Talking to T about T: Feeling Alone and Selfish

T and I are going though a really intense time. We are working our way through cleaning up a really big rupture. We just had a huge conversation about therapy and our relationship. Whenever I have these conversations I usually think "no one else brings this stuff up with T, no one else gets this upset, I'm so childish/ selfish for even caring about this, she must think I'm totally crazy, needy, and rude" and it makes me feel so alone. I could really use some stories about your experiences from talking to T about therapy or your relationship or would like to hear about what the most difficult thing you have talked about in regards to your therapy/ relationship with T - I think it would really make me feel like I'm not alone in the awkwardness of talking to T about T/ calling T out/ letting T affect me.

(and FYI - the conversation we are working our way through is about how T's pregnancy is affecting me.. so intense)

You are NOT alone in this feeling, and are braver than me. I'm sorry that I won't be of much help as I haven' really broached this subject with my T, because I'm too scared. I have had a conversation with her that was really really difficult about therapy. I kept bringing up how frustrated I was about me not talking and being nervous (after 3 years), and not being able to bring up the difficult topics that need talking about. She's asked me before if it is something she said/did/tone of voice and I can never say anything because I don't want to upset her at all.

A few months ago we ran into this conversation again and she said point-blank "Therapy shouldn't be this frustrating." Great!!! I am failing at therapy! Then she said that she had been thinking for awhile about a different type of therapy for me, and went on to talk about EMDR and how she thinks it will help. My mind sort of fogged up at that entire conversation because I was panicking. My worst fear had come true, she had finally given up on me. I was too difficult and obstinate.

At the end she made sure to tell me that she was NOT. GETTING. RID. OF. ME. That we were just going to try something new, and if it doesn't work, we will try something else. That I will still come back and see her. (Turns out I get to see EMDR-T and her at the same time. Oh the joy!)

But I have never been able to tell her directly when she's hurt my feelings, when I've been scared of her reaction to something I said/did. I'm too scared that she'll confirm my fears.

I do know lots of people here who have gone through pretty serious ruptures and have come out stronger on the other side. I hope their stories can help you through yours. And I can't imagine how HARD and WEIRD it must be to go through therapy with a pregnant T

Ok Might, you just made me thankful to have a male T :-) (((((MAWL))))))
You already know how my stuff with T goes. It just is a matter of being honest about things. You are entitled to your emotions. A person really can have big emotions without acting out on them. Just because the emotions are there about this issue with your T doesn't mean that the relationship has to change. Change is an action. Emotions do not have to lead to any action. That was my lesson this week.

((((((((((Might)))))))))

Oh my gosh, I have had more ruptures with T, and more discussions about my feelings about the relationship than you can imagine.

There was this mid-point in my therapy where I was upset about EVERYTHING - the decor in his waiting room, the way he looked at me, the box another client had on his desk, the fact that he HAD other clients....you name it. I don't know what it was all about, but I just sat there and said what I needed to say, and T heard, and validated, and accepted and finally, it was over.

We've had little ruptures and big ruptures, but we always always talk through them and find our way back to connection.

I really think that my relationship with T is as close as it is BECAUSE we have worked through so much together. It's okay to be honest about your feelings. You're not being spoiled or selfish or any of those things. You feel what you feel, and it is okay.

Bringing up problems about the relationship is meant to be an integral part of therapy. The conflicts and problems that you are experiencing in your life which brought you to therapy in the first place will eventually surface in the T relationship too. So most people will have some kind of problem or confict in the T relationship, and part of the work in therapy is to address that. Your T will be prepared to hear what you have to say without judgment, no worries. She is trained to deal with exactly this sort of stuff.

I have been going to T for almost two years and I am just getting to point I am starting to open up to tell him about stuff. It is hard. A T before tried to get physical with me and I had to tell my new T about it because these feelings came up about me not feeling safe. I used to care more about my T approval but I am getting better about it. My T is getting paid to coach me through my stuff so for that time we are together it is about me so to my thinking I cannot be selfish. I can see how your T being pregnant could bring up feelings of how available will she be for you. Could someone see you in that time she will be away?

I blew up at my t last month because of something she did. It was hard, but we talked through it the next week. I think i remember at one point telling her i hated her. She later told me she was thrilled that it happened. She said it was better to learn to work through that type of thing with her than out in the real world. We had another rupture this week. I wouldn't even look at her for the first 30 minutes, I was so hurt and angry. At this point, i seem to be spending about half my time with t either angry at her or working through why I'm angry at her.

So far I have resisted walking out or feeling attacked ...lol...but I will need to change T's soon....that's going to be really hard to adjust to a new one.I feel comfortable.I get homework ...and I am like a hungry pup for learning about all of this ....(((BPDmess)))Have you pointed that out to her?~W~

MIght, No I haven't had to deal with a T's pregnency and would imagine to be very painful!

We've talked about it. One thing I tend to do is not let others know if they do something to hurt me or upset me. I take it all on myself and blame myself. I think she's thrilled that I'll let her know that I'm upset or angry with her now. She wants me to learn to work it out with her so I can do it in the real world. I hate it and I can tell that she has to control her excitement. Supposedly it's part of the process. She assures me that she doesn't do things on purpose to make this happen. It's just life.

I wanted to say thanks to everyone that replied. I haven't responded yet bc I've been avoiding feeling about this anymore until my next session. I have one tomorrow and I imagine I'll have more to say. But right, I just want to say thank you