Being alive.

So as I mentioned I went to session today with no sense of urgency, arrived and felt quite and not able to spark up, then I remembered what has haunted me all wkend, my last session where we talked about my being drawn to my sa and sh as a way of feeling alive as a small child, and though I got that on an intellectual level last week I have no inner experience of what that would be about. T said well you had surpressed all your feelings, well apart from fear and anger and saddness and to fill the hole left by surpressing other emotions you do things outside and around you, oh right say I, yes I can get that, more silence as I process this. Then I say I am agreeing here, but I'm not sure I still really get what feeling alive is, then I talked about my resistence to life outside my comfort zone as I talked I began to have a sense of me, what I like what I dont, how after a short while of stepping outside of my comfort zone I need to shut down and how I have been beating myself over the head this wkend for being like this.

T said something just come to my mind, she said the only examples of you being spontainous in here has been when an insect has come in and then you are very fearful but you act spontainously, she said I dont know why I am getting that connection, its as if you are alive to all the negative emotions so that you can never be "Let down". The more we talked the more I became aware of feelings and examples of when I am enjoying doing something and when I'm not, if therapy is good for 1 thing then getting to know yourself is the greatest result of talk in therapy. I became aware of examples of my alive times that I wasn't aware of until I begun to talk with T about it all, and it felt as if a tight grip was releasing itself, the beating myself over the head to be more alive was easing, I explained how last night I'd gone out for a meal to a different restaurant and then I was glad to get home afterwards but I did enjoy my time there, T said I don't see anything wrong with wanting or needing to shut down after being spontainous and she said I dont actually think you did shut down you were happy to get home and felt safe and content? I said yeah, she said well that seems perfectly normal to me, I was like, aawwww yes thats true those are legit feelings of being alive too, and there I was thinking I Had failed on the social calendar again.

I guess I am more alive then I believed myself to be but I just hadn't registered these other feelings that are more sedate, such as feeling content and warm and cozy and safe, its ok to want those too, not just being party girl which I was in my drinking days but as T said, that was a more brittle sense of being alive when you were drinking, I nodded in agreement, though being alive is very scary still, but it appears I am.

(((((Melba))))) thank you so much for sharing your session. I think you really share some things that hit very close to home for me. Thank you.