waiting

i emailed t back today and i go in about week. technically i could call. but i cant talk on the phone. just alot of silence from me. as for the acting out. i rather not say. its bad but not real bad. i shouldnt do it really.

(((suzzie)))\

Ah suzzie I know what you mean. I have a hard time talking on the phone too. Sometimes I just want to cry which of course makes me feel like a baby because I'm a grown man.

You ever tell your T about the acting out?

no havent told. but i hardly talk at all in t. way too resistant. maybe like everything else.........one day.

(((((suzzie)))))

I hear you totally. I coped fine before I started T, now have been going to T for a few months on a weekly basis and month's break is TOTALLY killing me!

You have to do what you have to do with the resources that you do have. What are the alternatives? Give up just because you don't have more support? Actually, we all were/are in your same position. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family one thing that you learn for sure is how to be isolated. In therapy you learn how to cultivate/allow support in your life so going to therapy will solve many problems.

Are you looking for more excuses to not go to therapy possibly?

Sannah, no i dont want to quit t. i never give up on anything usually. even if it looks impossible i will keep trying normally. i just dont know about this. it is causing me to do things i shouldnt. im just thinking ahead and wondering how i will handle it later. i thought that some people had their husbands or someone to talk to. but maybe they dont. maybe they tell no one like me. no one even knows i go to t. i couldnt handle anyone knowing. that would be really bad. im not trying enough to make this work. i dont think im worth the bother of it really. i got an appointment in about a week to go to. i will make that appointment. even tho im beyond scared about everything to do with it. i dont do t right at all.

i have close to no support besides T...when it comes to talking about the specific issues, I do have friends but, none that I can open up about what I'm struggling with in therapy....anywho i have little support and courage is not the absence of fear, courage is the presence of fear but, the will to go and do what you need to do anyways...we all have to find ways to live with courage and I guess for you and like, many of us, we will have to be courageous about therapy.

guess i am looking for excuses maybe.

Going to therapy is learning about many, many things and if you already knew all of these things you wouldn't need therapy. So you saying that you aren't good at therapy, well none of us were experts either and we went and learned anyway.

Getting better can be scary Suzzie. I have done and faced things shaking, crying and even a few times with the blood all drained out of my face (very white in the face). No one said that you have to face these things all composed. Thinking that you have to stay composed adds a lot of stress to everything.

im just worried about learning somethings. i know it would help me with alot. but i have a real problem always telling the truth about things. i dont know if i ever will. and truth is important in t. i always tell what i think is the desired answer. its automatic. sometimes it happens to be the truth but not always. if t asks how things are. i will say fine no matter what. i know its not helpful. but its what i do. she wont get mad and she wont not be interested. if i give the answer she wants. i also never show most of my feelings. i plan on going thru t very composed. i wont get as much out of t. but its better than nothing. i cant handle showing feelings. just cant. dont show them irl. i did mention not wanting to do feelings with t once. did it in a journal assignment by accident. didnt know it was so important. but did after by ts reaction to it.

i will go to the appointment next week tho. even tho im scared and probably not talk.

Going to therapy next week is a great start.

*****************its ok.

I'm wondering what you originally said??

it was a stupid question. realized it after thinking about it. so took it off. its just that i think its important that i make this next appointment or it will look like im not trying or really want to do t. so i have to make it. but the weather is not good at the moment. but i hope it will be on thursday. but what if the weather is bad that day. idk. should i go no matter the weather. i have to cross the border. and it scares me every time just doing that. last time they thought it was silly i turned around in the snow. i dont think i make the right decisions on things. so wanted to asked about this here so i dont mess up again. but i think its a stupid thing to ask. i should know what to do myself. so sorry for having posted it. i need to grow up on things like this. not an appropriate question to be asking in the first place. i really want to see t. it has been so long now. i am really gonna try and get there. if i dont it will feel like a huge failure. i cant not make it. guess im gonna try no matter. shouldnt have posted about it. theres nothing of value in this question that i should have posted it. dont know why i thought it was a first. sorry. im embarrassed that i even posted it.

see just a silly, stupid, nothing question that i wasted your time with. not worth the bother of an answer. dont worry about it. sometimes my posts are just a nuisance and its ok to ignore them.

Suzzie, this issue might keep you from going to therapy so it IS very important. This is how many people here make it to therapy. They post all the thoughts that they have which are keeping them from going and then they get to discuss it here and work through it so that they go to therapy. It is a good thing that you posted this.

Places where people are used to the snow, they drive through it because they don't stop life because of something that happens all the time. Places where it never snows, life does stop when it snows because no one is used to driving in it and it is dangerous. But sometimes even where it snows a lot there are times when it gets too dangerous. What kind of place do you live? Do you have fears of driving through the snow?

it snows here every year. so i should be used to it. technically i can drive in it. but i am extremely scared to. i wont unless i absolutely have too. i would rather walk than drive in the snow. its not that i havent driven much in it. i have driven alot in the snow. even white outs. so i know i can. but i am so scared the whole time. i just wish i could get out of the car right then and there and walk.

I see, having a fear of driving in the snow anyway plus anxiety from going to therapy, this would combine and make it hard. If you live in an area where it snows a lot, however, you will miss a lot of therapy during the winter and this isn't good. If you have the skills to drive in the snow this is on your side. Do you do any sports in the snow?

suzzie just stopping bye to give hugs and courrage.

no. dont do any sports in snow. or other wise. good thought tho. i pretty much go to work and come home. and do the same the next day. never had friends so didnt get into anything. any driving in snow is to get to work only. otherwise i dont drive in it. was thinking of asking t to put sessions on hold till better weather. not a good idea i take it. so wont ask. ill just go somehow. it might be nice that day. will figure out rest of winter as it comes.

Suzzie, since you do well to manage the driving in snow to get to work, could you place therapy at the same level of importance to help you feel comfortable about making that drive?

altho i do drive to work in the snow. and have never missed work because of the weather. it is difficult every time i have to. i absolutely dread it. but do do it. if it snows the night before or is going to snow the next day i am awake all night worried. i cant relax if i know i have to drive in it. i am able to do it for work because i have no choice. i have to pay the bills. so the bills are what i give the most importance. not work itself. i dont make alot of money. so everyday i work is important in order to have enough to pay everyone. i do give t a high priority. guess i just didnt think i had to force myself to do something im really afraid of like i do with work. thought maybe i would have a choice with t. but maybe not. maybe i should treat it like i have no choice. and go no matter. im thinking that way for thursday. just go no matter. im not sure how good t would be if i ever have to drive in the snow to get there. it would take most the hour to wind down from the drive. and i probably wouldnt because i would still be worried about the drive back. just a stupid fix ive got myself in.

just wondering how many drive in the snow to see their t. maybe that would put some perspective on this for me. my t is a 1 hour drive there.

Suzzie, I'm really glad you do work here. It helps us all do our work. Thank you.

Suzzie, you have many, many hours of safe driving but it seems that it doesn't give you comfort? What makes you so afraid of the driving? Did you have bad experiences in cars when it was snowing or were you around someone who was very afraid of driving in the snow?

And yes, this is something important to talk to T about. And I also agree that your mental health needs to be valued at the same level as your bills.

Could you leave way before your appt. to give yourself time to calm down once you are at your appt.?

I would suggest snow sports so that you can learn to have fun in the snow and not fear it. Also moving freely in the snow could give you confidence that you can handle driving in the snow. I grew up in a snowy area and I would have fun sliding the car in the snow because I understood that you steer into the side that your car's rear end is sliding into. I could also drive my car through half a foot of snow. I eventually thought it was fun. Visibility can be more of a challenge but then just slow down. I really don't think that driving in the snow is that lethal or injurious. People slow down so the worst that happens is that you go in the ditch.