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#1
Nov 16, 2010, 02:47 PM
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hi,
does anyone else feel like their therapist intentionally withdraws from time to time? i do. it seems like we'll be going along, making good progress, connecting with each other, and then about every 4 to 6 weeks - something happens and i feel her pulling away. that, or she'll give me a lot more "tough love" than i'm used too - heavy emphasis on the "tough." i'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this, and/or if you think it might be intentional - like a way to keep the relationship "balanced" or something.. thoughts? |
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#2
Nov 16, 2010, 02:59 PM
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seventyeight - that's an interesting question. I have felt that on occasion with my therapist not in a cycle of every 4 -6 weeks but sporadic. Perhaps that's your therapists 'rhythm' or style perhaps?
What if your therapist does pull back how do you respond to the 'tough love' in session? Have you shared your annoyance with your T about this? It could be a good conversation to have. Wishing you courage, strength and peace of mind. 
__________________
"Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara Don't ever mistake MY SILENCE for ignorance, MY CALMNESS for acceptance, MY KINDNESS for weakness. - unknown |
 seventyeight
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#3
Nov 16, 2010, 03:03 PM
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Don't tell me it's that "optimum frustration" thing. I would definitely Grrrrrrrrrr on this. Very very sensitive to anything that seems like manipulation, having had a lot of it in the past.
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| seventyeight
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#4
Nov 16, 2010, 03:11 PM
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Quote:
 What about this would be manipulative? I'm curious about what you mean. I can also be a little slow sometimes  .
__________________
"Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara Don't ever mistake MY SILENCE for ignorance, MY CALMNESS for acceptance, MY KINDNESS for weakness. - unknown |
| seventyeight
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#5
Nov 16, 2010, 03:36 PM
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Optimal, optumum. It's Kohut... you can find him out there in self-psychologyland.
Here's the big guy himself - either thought provoking, chilling, or hilarious, depending on your viewpoint... >> "There is never any need--and by never, I mean never -- there is never any need to be artificially traumatic. Simply to give the best you can give is traumatic enough, because you cannot fulfill the real needs…..you always limp behind the patient's needs." |
| BlackCanary, geez, Kacey2, seventyeight
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#6
Nov 16, 2010, 03:41 PM
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(((((((((seventyeight)))))))))))
I've felt like this with T, but I don't know if it's him or if it's me. For a long long time, when we felt really really connected, I would start to feel like he was pulling away, and it would make me angry. After a LOT of cycles of that (and ruptures to go along with it), I realized that I think it's *me* withdrawing, not him. It FELT like him, but I don't think it was. And now that I'm aware of it, and I work really hard not to do it, it doesn't happen anymore. It did feel like he was pulling back in my session yesterday, and in the end, I think he was...actually, he said he was. He said that he felt bad for making a mistake about boundaries (time boundaries) and that he knew it brought stuff up for me, and he wanted to fix it. It was frustrating. But we figured it out, and then it was okay. Have you asked your T about it, seventy eight? |
| seventyeight
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#7
Nov 16, 2010, 03:47 PM
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Seriously, I'd just say it when you feel it. "It seems like you are withdrawing, or pulling back after we just had several really great sessions."
Then see what comes back. If it is something purposeful, then you can talk about it more. She may view the good sessions as good progress and that you are ready to be pushed or challenged about how you are thinking? My T will push me some days. Also, could you give an example? I think of tough love as setting ultimatums with the one you love - do this (rehab) or you must leave our home. Last resort, done to protect the rest of the family from being harmed by the other's illegal or dangerous behavior. |
| geez, seventyeight
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#8
Nov 17, 2010, 10:10 AM
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I def experience this - I have asked about it and she just says she feels she has to be "tougher" on me in some sessions - nice huh?!
__________________
 She's got the eyes of innocence, the face of an angel, a personality of a dreamer and a smile that hides more pain than you could ever imagine.
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| seventyeight
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#9
Nov 17, 2010, 10:34 AM
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OMG yes and we are VERY much there right now. Mine pushes me away rather than withdrawing. Then she asks how I feel about what she just said. Usually I reply (in all honesty) that I am scared but trying very hard to take in what she is saying and understand it. Then she gets mad that I don't react to what she is saying.
It is random as to when we are going to have one of "those" sessions and it makes me very anxious. But... the next session she is back to her firm but caring self and doesn't seem to have any idea what happened the previous session. All (8) the other therapists I have ever worked with have had a cycle of some sort or another where they couldn't connect as well for a while and then we would connect again. drives me nuts but I try to remind myself that they have a right to be human just wish they would warn me! |
| seventyeight
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#10
Nov 17, 2010, 12:13 PM
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Quote:
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#11
Nov 17, 2010, 01:49 PM
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Obviously I don't know what orientation your therapist practices.. but assuming it is any orientation that uses object relations theory, transference/counter-transference is the simple answer to what is happening. The complex answer lies in examining, with your therapist, your relationship with your therapist (i.e. what feelings come up as a result of your interactions, and what that means in the context of your history, your character, and future).
This link might help explain the process.. though I'm not sure the information is intended for clients so it might make you feel kind of sick to your stomach. http://www.objectrelations.org/stage1.htm I can really empathize with your frustrations. The only thing that ever gets me past these situations is to bring it up and deal with it. So they say, if something that bothers you is going unsaid in therapy, nothing else gets said either. So talk about it! 
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| WePow
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#12
Nov 17, 2010, 02:04 PM
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I have felt the same way, seventyeight, and like tree I always wonder if my perception that it's coming from T is reality, or if it's actually coming from me.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#13
Nov 17, 2010, 02:11 PM
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Quote:
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#14
Nov 17, 2010, 02:14 PM
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Seventyeight, my T does not do this. He is pretty consistent. There are times he is tired or perhaps distracted, but I don't interpret this as anything deliberate to do with me. If you have noticed this cycle with your T, I think it is worth mentioning. Perhaps she is just moody and letting her outside life interfere with the way she is in session with you. She would probably like to know this. On the other hand, if it is some deliberate "technique" she is using with you, it would be good to know. If it is a technique, you could also ask her what outcome she hopes for and if you are responding in a way that indicates to her that the technique is helpful. If it is not helpful, then perhaps this is a good time for her to realize she might need to try something else. My T has definitely tried things with me that were flops, and then he dropped them when we saw they were not helpful. Every client if different.
__________________
"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
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#15
Nov 17, 2010, 02:23 PM
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Quote:
sorry zoo  thats why i put a trigger warning on it |
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#16
Nov 17, 2010, 02:35 PM
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Oh no, I'm not blaming you at all MAWL. I made the choice to read it. I was just commenting that you were right, it in fact made my stomach start hurting. I think it's masochistic of me to be sitting here looking at links and online books about therapy termination. I have to stop focusing on this. It's not you, at all.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#17
Nov 18, 2010, 04:58 PM
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just wanted to follow up that i talked to my therapist today about all of this.. the feeling that we have these ruptures every 4-6 weeks and what's the deal, etc. i even asked her about "optimal frustration" (which she said she hadn't heard of) and "object relations theory." she said she's aware of the theory, but doesn't use the techniques in her practice. she went on to say that sometimes these things (ruptures) happen and to always bring them to her attention so we can work them out. she said that it's never anything intentional, and added that until i tell her - she doesn't even know it's happening. i think it was a really good session, and we made a lot of progress getting "back in sync."
anyway, juust wanted to mention it to any of you all that have/had ruptures with your therapist.. it's always good (imo/e) to bring it up, discuss it, and try to work it out. i think it makes things a lot better in the long run. |
| sunrise, WePow
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#18
Nov 18, 2010, 06:51 PM
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My T doesn't do the push thing. I do sometimes and I think it may have something to do with MY cycle (ya know!). BUT I do have a very close mentor friend who is a retired psychologist. And one of the first things I noticed about him was that he would pull me close to him emotionally but then appear to push me away. Of course he was not in his T mode as we are friends so he was just being a person with moods. But I did notice that strange cycle. After I started to know his cycles, I started being able to know when to not email him or call him when he was about to swing low. LOL. I did think on some occasions that I would never have been able to put up with him as a T if he acted that way with his clients!!! So IDK?
__________________
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