[doogie]

Do you ever just feel like an hour on the calendar that can be added/deleted/moved at will - T's will, not yours?

I usually have weekly appointments. Every week, same day/time. Lately it seems that for some reason or another (T's reason) we have needed to move. 2 weeks ago we had cancel our regular weekly time and she offered another time the same week. I totally acted out and didn't go the other time she offered me. I know this was my way of trying to have some control over the situation. It was a bad move on my part, but I hate feeling like T has all the control (it's one of my "issues") Then, this past week T had a family emergency and we had to miss session. This upcoming week she is taking off for the holiday. I know that hour we are together she is totally with me and cares, but I'm really running up against the whole "I'm just a client. I'm just an hour on her calendar." feeling and it stinks. I know she cares about me, and really I AM just a client. I mean - that is what therapy is, right? I just hate the helplessness of feeling like she can just move me around or take not see me willy nilly, you know? All the while, I still have my crap to deal with. It makes me want to pull away from her - as if to say "I'll show you I don't need you." I don't know. Does anyone else ever feel this way? I hate it. I don't like feeling this way at all.

That's why I like scheduling week by week without a set day. I know I will always be able to get in. It may not be on the same day or time each week, but at least I'll get in.

I hear you though. I can understand your frustration.

[ECHOES]

I have a standing appointment and T tells me when she knows she will be away. I have also learned to think ahead; just last week I asked if she was taking any time at Christmas. She doesn't have plans now, "but that could change". I like that she put it that way, leaving options for herself. It is like how I learned it is okay to not immediately commit and can say (to anyone) "let me think about that and get back to you". So it was that last comment in session before the door was opened and it was something good to observe and experience.

She also thinks ahead and offers me another time when there is a holiday on Monday, my usual day.

Other times she has had a cancellation and called to see if I want to come earlier, or keep my scheduled time, either way is fine.

And she has adjusted her schedule for me, and once met with me on her day off. She was already coming in for another person, but she took extra time for me. She has stayed late for me when I ask for an emergency appointment, too.

I guess I'm trying to say that I try to look at the whole big picture, if I can, when a scheduling issue comes up and bothers me.

On the other hand, my previous T offered Friday appointments, but then cancelled every Friday for a month, after a few Friday cancellations the month before. I decided that wasn't going to work for me.

I hope you can talk to your T about your feelings that come up when she has to move or cancel an appointment. She needs to hear your thoughts about this.

[cmac13]

Missing an appointment would be a huge deal to me. In the 19 years I have been with my therapist she has maybe last minute cancelled our appointment 5 times due to illness, or a family emergency. I think I cancelelled a couple of times due to the weather. I have a standing apointmenmt which has never changed. I kid her that she is a time share and I have her on Saturday mornings at 8:00am. No one else get that time!! She suprised me this week because she always takes the Saturday after Thanksgiving off but this year she is working! She did change my appointment time to 9:00 and that's cool by me. She is very thoughtful and always let's me know when her planned vacation time off days are so I know well in advance if we are not meeting. She always lets me know if I need her I can always call her cell phone and leave a message if she does not answer. She always calls back within that day unless she is out of the country then she can't.

[sunrise]

doogie, those frequent cancellations sound very frustrating! Each time I meet with my T, we set the next appointment together. It is always at a different time and day, and it is at a time that works for both of us and only a short time away, so there is less chance it will be canceled due to planned-on things. Setting the appointment together does make me feel involved. After that, either of us is free to cancel the appointment, so I do feel like I have power in the decision to meet or not to meet.

Earlier this year, T canceled 2-3 times the night before our session, and then we were unable to reschedule that week. Each time, he had an off-site meeting come up that he was scheduled into without his input. OK, he had no control over this, but I expressed to him that I thought it was rude that they didn't let him know about these meetings until the day before. He squirmed a bit and said well he had known about the meetings earlier. It turned out they had been scheduled between our sessions, which are 2-3 weeks apart, but he had failed to call me to reschedule until the night before, so of course there were no other openings by that time. I let him know I was displeased with this, and I asked him in the future to let me know soon after a schedule conflict comes up so we can reschedule or at least so I won't hold that slot free on my calendar--I am busy too! He agreed to do this. It wouldn't have helped the situation at all for me to get huffy and not meet with him next time--he never would have known I had a problem with the situation if I did that. Since I was direct with him, he could work to solve the problem. We have worked on this type of thing in therapy--good communication and being direct--so I felt good about this, like yay, therapy is helping me!

Anyway, doogie, I encourage you to talk with your T about this and tell her about your frustration with the appointment changes. Maybe she can assign you a different time that is less apt to being canceled, let you schedule only one appointment at a time like farmergirl and I do, or will have another solution.

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by doogie

Do you ever just feel like an hour on the calendar that can be added/deleted/moved at will - T's will, not yours?

I usually have weekly appointments. Every week, same day/time. Lately it seems that for some reason or another (T's reason) we have needed to move. 2 weeks ago we had cancel our regular weekly time and she offered another time the same week. I totally acted out and didn't go the other time she offered me. I know this was my way of trying to have some control over the situation. It was a bad move on my part, but I hate feeling like T has all the control (it's one of my "issues") Then, this past week T had a family emergency and we had to miss session. This upcoming week she is taking off for the holiday. I know that hour we are together she is totally with me and cares, but I'm really running up against the whole "I'm just a client. I'm just an hour on her calendar." feeling and it stinks. I know she cares about me, and really I AM just a client. I mean - that is what therapy is, right? I just hate the helplessness of feeling like she can just move me around or take not see me willy nilly, you know? All the while, I still have my crap to deal with. It makes me want to pull away from her - as if to say "I'll show you I don't need you." I don't know. Does anyone else ever feel this way? I hate it. I don't like feeling this way at all.

I know what you mean about control. That's why I have a hard time REALLY discussing my issues, why I hold back. I also don't like to feel like I am losing control, to feel weak (my perception of "weak" I'm learning is not really what that means).

Secondly, if you think about ALL RELATIONSHIPS, not just with T, you will find out that every single last one of them are subject to having something happen, something out of our control... ever been dumped by a gf? Ever been neglected by your parents? Rejected? Etc? On the other hand, ever found out you were loved and cared for even though you thought someone didn't really like you? Even though you thought maybe a parent or family member or friend or teacher didn't care, but then found out otherwise? Happened to me before. Perception is everything. Consider that you might be wrong about your perception of what is really going on with you and your T.

Let me repeat-- Perception, IS everything. But consider that you MIGHT be wrong, that your assertion that T doesn't or might not care might be based on faulty perception, not reality.

I have an excellent quote that sometimes helps me. I don't know who said it, but it is a Buddhist teaching: "Consider the glass as already broken". Everything breaks anyway. Might as well make the best of it.
That way if/when something negative happens, you will be prepared for it and willing to go at full gusto toward your goals anyway. If the glass is already broken, there is nothing you can do about it. I don't know if that concept will work for you, but give it a shot. Don't take that quote as an excuse to become apathetic. It means that nothing is perfect.

I have this book; in fact the reason the book has special meaning for me is that when I became an adult, it was the first book I ever bought. I got it at the airport on a whim for something to read that I thought well, maybe it might have some value in it. Turns out I was right, it wasn't as cheesy as I thought it was going to be. It's called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and it's ALL Small Stuff". I can't remember the author, but the book has been in print for several years. It helps me put things into perspective. Maybe you could look for that book?

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

That's why I like scheduling week by week without a set day. I know I will always be able to get in. It may not be on the same day or time each week, but at least I'll get in.

I hear you though. I can understand your frustration.

Good idea. When I used to see my T weekly, I set a new appointment each time. Much better than a standing appointment for me, and I could work around things that would come up with T's schedule or mine.