embarrassment in T

Yeah, it really is a b****. I wanted to kill myself 11 years ago from it. It's really, really ****ing hard. Doubly hard hiding the fact that I'm 29 and never have been kissed or anything.

I told my T that my sex drive had been absolutely through the roof for a while. She said, "OK. 'Through the roof' - you mean very high, right?" I was thinking, "D'oh! You're just like my mom, I don't want to have to say it again lady!" LOL

**trigger**

I just called a crisis line but then hung up before I talked to anyone. I've never called a crisis line before. I feel really numb and weird and blank but for some reason am having SI/sui urges. I just tried mindfulness again and had a meltdown in my house again just from the thoughts that came up. Not sure sitting in my feelings all by myself is such a good idea.

I have no one to hang out with or call. I don't even feel anything right now except urges. But I will not act on them. I am here. I will just stay on PC. Where the f did this come from?

((((jexa)))) Just got caught up with this thread, and there are a few things I'd like to respond to, but first...are you ok?

I don't know, I guess. I'm here. I'm just here refreshing the page, that's it. Feel like I might cry soon.

I have NO tools to be able to actually act on these urges. I have NOTHING I would use. I'm not going to do it but I keep having thoughts of running to CVS to grab whatever but I am not dressed to go out so it WON'T happen. I just don't know how I can feel like this and not even know why. If I had something to use I don't know what I would do right now

that has happened to me before, Jexa. Just hit with a tidal wave of emotions and no idea of where it came from or what the trigger is.

My T has told me, in those moments, not to worry about how or why. Not to worry about where it came from or how long it's going to last. That is REALLY hard for me, but it does help. Maybe that will help you, too?

Meanwhile, keep posting here if it helps. You aren't alone.

I kind of feel stupid and pathetic for just BLAHing on here. UGH

I think the emotion boils down to LONELINESS.

Oh no, jexa, did I trigger you with my post? If I did, I am so deeply sorry. Please take care of yourself, think of any little thing at all that might make you feel better and concentrate on that. Sometimes when I hit a really low point I think of kind things people have said to me or about me in the past. Just my little way of coping until it passes...and it will for you.

But the import of all that is in your mind -- you are imagining what is going on in the other person's mind!

jexa, for the record, I really enjoyed reading your post about therapy and types of therapy. Maybe because I've spent the last year doing trauma work and that in itself is a form of exposure therapy. I didn't feel like you were being a know-it-all or patronizing or anything like that.

And darkrunner, I'm sorry your feelings got hurt.

jexa, I hope you're ok. I can really relate that 'sitting with your feelings' isn't always helpful. Or rather, the times when things feel really desperate may not be safe times to practise or master it. I find that Mindfulness can still be helpful, but I use mindfulness of external reality to ground me, instead of being mindful of what's in my head or body. Sometimes I might try:
Observing and describing all the sounds I can hear
Observing and describing every aspect of a single object
Describing the room I'm in

You probably already know about this, and I hope I don't sound like I'm lecturing. Just something I've tried that helped. Keep breathing

(((((((((((Jexa))))))))))

How are you doing?

I'm ok, I'm ok. My mom just called to talk about my sister. I had to pretend to be okay on the phone so I did and now I feel blank but less desperate.

with, I don't think you triggered me. I think my loneliness triggered me. I actually think it was the fact that I was trying to think of something to do tonight and I couldn't think of ANYthing that was the big trigger. I am just alone in my apartment. My brother said he has to study tonight so he can't go out. My friends are too busy too. I am alone, and I am depressed, and I have been sick today. All of this.

Thanks zoo, so much, for that.

Improving, no it doesn't sound like lecturing, it is always good to get a reminder.

googley thanks for checking on me

Think I am going to take a hot bath and put on some music and just try to chill out. Maybe after that I will go and get some food and cook something. I think I might be able to do that.

(((((((((Jexa)))))))))

That sounds like a great plan!

not at all -
when I cry and the other person sits there and watches
when the other person takes notes
when the other person declines divulging personal information
when the other person comments on my appearance, or reactions
that is not my imagination. those are facts. That is happening.

(((((((((((((((((( jexa ))))))))))))))))) I do this too. Sometimes the memory of the feeling comes back the next time I go in there, and I think maybe I want to talk about it but don't know how to articulate. Would it help, do you think?

Jexa, I hope you are feeling better today.

I wasn't intending to attack your therapy and I'm sorry if it came off that way.
No hard feelings - I'm not in a great 'place' either and probably was a bit over-sensitive.
I like you too Jexa.

I really hope you're feeling better today.

Yes, but your interpretation of what it all "really" means is in your mind. Take this one, for instance:

when I cry and the other person sits there and watches

I can imagine several things that could be going on, several things the other person could be doing, or thinking -- it is not all just one single thing.

She could be hating every minute of it, wanting to tell you to stop your foolish behavior, but restraining herself from saying that.

She could be warmly sympathizing with you in her mind, but not intervening so she listens very care-fully to everything that is going on with you, and lets you just experience your sadness...

Etc.

Jexa, I feel THE SAME EXACT WAY about all of these things!! I am working with an EMDR-T along with my regular-T, and the first few sessions we had to try deep breathing exercises--and my god i hated it. I felt like I didn't even do it right, and was so embarassed that I wanted to crawl out of the room. When I managed (at the end) to say that I really didnt like doing that, that it embarassed me, she said it was good information and "where did i feel it in my body." AWKWARD. I don't know!

She has also told me to "sit" in whatever I was feeling...so I sat..in awkward silence. Just this past week, I had to imagine putting all my thoughts and feelings from that session in a box. And seeing the lid snap shut, to keep it safe until next time. I wanted to and (giggle) at this suggestion. She explained that the brain doesn't know whats "real" or "not real," so if I see myself putting away my thoughts, my brain sees that as "real" and I won't be as activated.

Who knows! I am trying this stuff out because I know I have nothing else to lose, but it is SO out of my comfort zone. My T knows that I can't do yoga classes (even though I like the physicality of yoga) because of the "stupid" breathing they do. I'm too embarrassed to join in.

sorry, I don't see the point at all. I didn't say anything about interpreting; I was noting what happens.

Well. I don't know if I am feeling "better" but it's better for me because I am not feeling so self-deprecating and self-loathing. Instead I am just very grouchy today and just can't smile at anyone. But it's calmer than the self-hatred spiral anyway.

SAWE I think I will see how I feel at next session. I don't see her again until the 15th, so idk what might come up between now and then. But I'm going to continue to try to bring up the things I want to avoid, since I am in DIRE need of progress.. I am sick of this misery..

((((darkrunner)))) thanks

Yeah velcro I think I am willing to do this stuff too because I have nothing to lose and I guess healing comes from discomfort.. Weird huh? I guess it's like when you twist your ankle and it hurts. But you're supposed to walk on it just the same. I guess feelings are like that too?

(Oh and on the debate between pachy and SAWE -- I have to agree with SAWE -- those things she described are things that are ACTUALLY happening. Sure we can think of different things our T's could be thinking but IMO the biggest discomfort comes from what is actually happening -- the person IS truly sitting there watching you, commenting on you, observing you. Whatever it is that they're thinking, bad or good, they ARE evaluating you. It's their job. And just that fact is where my discomfort comes from -- it seems SAWE feels similarly..)

Why discomfort?

Think about it.

I really DON'T think it's discomfort due to what they think. Negative, positive, whatever. I would be pretty much just as uncomfortable whether they were thinking positive or negative things. The fear is being seen at all. I sometimes do get in the spiral, what does my T think, but mostly my fear is NOT based on the T's thoughts. Simple discomfort due to being witnessed at ALL.

Why?

Why is being witnessed uncomfortable?

It makes me self-conscious. Maybe it's because I don't like myself. Being seen makes me painfully aware of myself.