[Melbadaze]

I have a very dear husband, we've been together lots and lots of yrs together...yes I know he is all the good bits of my adoptive father...yes I know I married for security over passion as a youngster...but still my life has been good with him...this week his been off work on holiday and I feel insecure at these times..I couldnt put my finger on what it is...I feel increasingly irritated at his relaxed position...I begin to become irritable and grumpy and nothing he does at these times feels right, I begin to make demands, perhaps some unspoken...I find irritated at any mistakes he makes...this time I recognised it as a trigger, but a trigger for what? this week I spoke to T about it...she at first struggled to to understand exactly what was going on...then after lots of talking back and forth we got it...as a baby and onwards I was hypervigilant toward others and if they were able to take care of me...being adopted begun this...having a psychotic adoptive mother finished this...T then said, "aha now I know why you didnt cry much as a child, you weren't relaxed enought to cry, that would have been a luxury, your hypervigilance on being abandoned was priority"...I nodded yes, yes, yes! this is what I have tried to communicate to you, yes I've succeeded some, but you get it now! you get it! and my husband being home from work, being relaxed, in my head he had changed, his focus wasn't on me, in my mind, he wasn't taking care of me, my demands were tests to see if he carried them out he wasn't going to abandon me, his still willing to take care of me...my irritability was and is fear around all of this...I asked T how can I seperate my father from my husband? thats a whole lot more of therapy to come lol!..but once we had put words to this terrifying experience I was going through this week My whole inner begun to relax, and I said to T I think I shall tell my husband about all of this, another new thing, I never discust my therapy with my husband but a few weeks ago in therapy we were talking about me trusting that the world apart from T can support me and I told her I will never allow that to happen and will never believe it and will never talk to my husband about my therapy stuff, HA! that seem to change, as T says, when we put words to things, talk about things it changes them in the outside world, I didnt believe that then, I do now..so I spoke to hubby about all of what I've been experiencing and feeling and the whys etc and he listened to me then gave me such a loving smile, I think it was good for him to understand too, he just saw this demanding frantic irritable woman...as I told him we sort of come back together again...and since then my head has stopped seeing him as about to abandon me and when I've almost slipped back into it, I managed to self talk myself out of it again...its certainly a big aha moment and also when T said about me never being relaxed enought as a child to cry was also a very big moment..to cry one has to feel a certain amount of safety in the world, take that away and all you have left is survival and I think I feel I managed to convey that to T this week!...I love therapy and I love my hubby lol! and I'm really glad I can tell him about this stuff now...

[purple_fins]

that is so grand-- the pieces coming together not only for you in your head but better understanding of you from those that can best support you.

it sure does seem you have a VERY dear husband--
you are so so fortunate in this.

fins

[bpd2]

Wow!!!! Your experience gave me huge insight, too! Thank you for writing about this!

this is beautiful, melba.

[rainbow8]

melba: What a profound insight about crying! It's really a milestone that you could share therapy with your H. You're moving along in such positive ways lately and I'm happy for you.