[Symbiosis]

I'm sorry it is the same thing over and over again for me, but I'm just at a loss for what to do.

My T is married to the Big Boss at work. We didn't know that going in for various reasons. I have struggled alot over confidentiality issues and he has refused to be reassuring, though he believes he has been overly reassuring. Our perceptions are 180 degrees apart. Every time we talk about it, it gets worse.

I may be somewhat paranoid about it and I acknowledge that, but I think my T has said something to his wife re: that I'm a client. I have no evidence, just her general avoidance of me. I've wanted from the beginning for him to reassure me but almost every response begins, "I don't know what more I can do."

I tried approaching it a different way yesterday and admitted that about once a month I'm getting personal info on him I don't want because I just want him to be my T period. I explained the info was inconsequential, just irritating to me, an intrusion. I thought maybe if I could convey to him how this whole thing affects me that he might be more understanding.

Wrong. Our session ended oddly. He stopped us in the middle of stuff because it was time to go and he muttered something and I asked him to repeat it. He said, "Boundaries are important." Then I got the impression he was angry/annoyed/irritated. Now I'm wondering if I'm some sort of going-over offender? It doesn't help that according to my cell phone he is late every session, but I never look at his clock when I sit down to see if it is set right. But I'm thinking we do not typically go over. Either way, it is only 10 minutes we are ever talking about, max.

I'm just starting to feel really down. Like I'm a big pain in &^%$ to him. Meanwhile, I hardly get what some of you get--distinct concern, availability, support, etc. Sometimes I'm so envious of your Ts who seem so nice, kind, expressive with caring and concern, not put out by the occasional email, etc. On the other hand, there are things about him that really work for me so I'm been hesitant to switch Ts.

What to do, what to do.

[krisakira]

There is one thing that has gotten me to where I am and that is that if therapy isn't therapeutic, get a different therapist.

[with or without you]

Just my opinion...I think the "duality" of this relationship is overriding what you came to see him for in the first place. It's obviously complicating things. I suspect that you don't want to get another job, so maybe you should move on from this T.

[ladyjrnlist]

I agree with Kris. Get a new T. This one's lateness is an indication that he doesn't want to come to the session, in my opinion. Also, his comment was innapropriate. Many of us in therapy snoop around our T's information. We are curious and somewhat attached. It's normal.

[WikidPissah]

new T....you are spending valuable time discussing and worrying about his discretion/indiscretion. You need to get down to business and feel safe and secure to do that. Believe me when I tell you, you don't want to be here a year down the road still hitting the same things. (I've done that, and still kick myself for it)

[RiverX]

Only your heart can tell you what to do. I've seen people hang in with Ts with worse things going on.
However, it does sound difficult and painful. Can you get over this one? and BTW, check out what the real time is!
Ts vary soo much, some stop/ start dead on, others see it as a bit of a movable feast, give or take kinda thing. If I was a T. I'd aim to start dead on, and finish give or take, say, up to 3 mins. What do you think is reasonable, IYO?

[iGottaBme]

You are in a difficult spot. Will you always consider that his lateness is somehow a result of this dual relationship? What about other issues that may come up? If so, you will not be able to get all that you can out of therapy with him. He may be irritated because he knows it.

It is unusual to find someone who hasn't tried to get information on their T. Most Ts are aware of it and know how to handle it.

This situation is ackward for you at work. This dual relationship is uncomfortable for everyone involved and should not be happening.

[alcira]

The issue that comes to mind is: What if you ever have a conflict with your boss and need to discuss it in T?
I would try to look for another T. Maybe you can go and interview a few other Ts before deciding on where to continue with him or not. That might help you in your decision process.

[Omers]

IMO it is a conflict and it doesn't seem to be anything you can communicate about in a way you both understand. I would find someone new.
My poor 1st T... she is all over these boards... Anyway... Before I came to her house she asked if it would be OK to tell her DH that I get scared easily around men because he acts in ways that are safe but would be triggers for me (he is one of those guys who starts yelling at the TV durring the news). I know for sure that he knows nothing else about me. I am not sure if she even told him that I was a client or just a kid from church. BUT... No one acts funny around anyone else and I have never had any of those gut feelings... Trust your gut. He was also never in a position of power over me. And she would talk to me about it any time for as long as I needed to be reasured.
I have always had tons of personal information on my T's sometimes because I went looking for it and sometimes it found me often because I don't forget anything. My T's have always been open about how that impacts me and our work together. Some have shared how it makes them feel (in appropriate, non-blaming ways). My current T did use a rather sinister tone when she said "I can take care of problems like that" because she knows I have been accused of stalking before and she was clearly teasing. It has also helped some to better understand me and my needs.
My general rule is that if I find something about me that T will not talk about it is time for a new T. Especially if they are elusive about it and not direct. My current T is an exception to this as she has taken on a teaching/coaching role and I get my other needs met elsewhere in my tretment team. That was a well talked out, mutual agreement started by me. But she will also tell me directly "that is not something I want to get into with you".
Anyway... Just my experiences of how I felt when similar things were handled in a healthy way. Sometimes knowing how it could be helps me better grasp what is currently going on.

[learning1]

To answer one of your original questions, I've seen light years difference in emotional connection and availability from different Ts I've been to. Most have been fairly emotionally connected but a few almost don't seem to have a clue what emotions are... they're not the right t's for me.

[Symbiosis]

Thanks everybody for your input and perspectives!

I feel like everything is leading to finding a new T. My best friend is a T and she was telling me about a male T (because I really feel like I need to work on being able to connect with men in a healthier way) who is really warm, who she thinks I would like. The rough part about our darn small town is that he is in her workplace, same office space, but she says not part of her group, i.e. separate records, etc. But I don't know...she knows him and all.

Part of me still wants to work it out with current T, but now I'm questioning methodology. I was begging for him to talk about how he felt about confidentiality (he wouldn't) but he said he didn't have a confidentiality spiel because back when he was trained they didn't do that. I think he would have been getting his PhD in the 70s. Maybe I need to face that he won't be warm and fuzzy but old fashioned: clinical and cold.

Awesome.

But thanks for all the thoughts. And about the time issue...did not think it was a problem until he alluded to it. Now, I'm worried because in no way am I looking to step on boundaries. I mean, I feel like I've been soooooooo good with all this even though I'm constantly getting tidbits about his personal life that I don't want just because his wife is brings him up regularly in one way or another. So I wish he would just freakin' be direct and say, "We've been going over too much. What should we do about it?" But you know, that would be too much like a regular old therapist. He's more like a blank wall. Sorry, I'm just steamed.

[learning1]

Glad to read you're coming to a resolution. A warmer T sounds good. Since your friend already knows you're concerned about confidentiality, and t's really are supposed to be very careful about that, especially in a small town where people know each other, I'd think they'd be extra careful.