[looorie]

I used to post over here, but i haven't since a long time. I once posted about my love feelings towards my therapist but things have become worse. I want to be close to her but she is pushing me away or maybe as in therapy she is trying to protect me but I am taking it as a form of rejection. She is constantly on my mind. I tried to set up a plan so I can forget her but the process is too slow. I just love her. I cried my heart out.
And also separation tears me up inside a day will come and i will leave
im lost i know that those feelings will never be mutual. i am longing for her to be a part of my life forever.i am basically feeling that she hates me which makes feel down the whole time.

[Sannah]

What have you actually discussed with her about this?

[looorie]

transference, i used to open the subject sometimes we worked through some issues but she keeps on saying that one day this love will be change. however, she always lets me express my love but with limits.

[looorie]

i did not discuss much actually. about how i feel rejected not much

[WePow]

looorie ... as strange as this sounds, the more I "let go" of my T, the closer he comes to me in supporting me. And he will not just drop me. So I really can have him in my life for the rest of it. It is as a T and sounding board. And I know he won't kick me to the curb even if he changes his profession (which I doubt).

It is strange how it works, but people I don't pull toward me tend to come on their own. ?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by looorie

she is pushing me away or maybe as in therapy she is trying to protect me but I am taking it as a form of rejection.

i am longing for her to be a part of my life forever.

i am basically feeling that she hates me which makes feel down the whole time.

I would suggest discussing this stuff with her ^. Keep us posted?

I'm so sorry you're suffering, looorie. I think that lots of people here have been where you are and can understand how much this hurts and how real it all is and how big it can get in your head.

I spent many months in terrible pain, grieving all the things my T couldn't give me and anticipating the pain of the ending. Constantly fighting how I felt- trying to push down the love. And then, somehow (certainly not deliberately), I woke up to everything she could give me and was already giving me. And when I switched to focusing on that, I felt so happy. The other big thing that ended the suffering was that I stopped fighting my feelings. I accepted that I love her, and I allowed myself to pour that love out on her. Somehow, now I feel glad that I love her, where as before I only ever felt ashamed and rejecting of my feelings. All my life I was fighting love, and now I'm basking in it. The great love I feel for her, and the special (but certainly different) love she gives me back. It took a lot of talking about with my T to get to this place.

So, all of this was to say that I have been where you are. And what helped was: accepting how I felt and what I wanted from her, changing how I thought about what I was getting back, and processing it all with T. I don't know if any of these will be relevant to you, but I thought I'd put them out there just in case.

I hope you can find a way to reduce your suffering. Thinking of you.