[jazzy123456]

Hi. I'm not in DBT therapy but, a lot of you made comments about calling your T and stuff and my T and I rarely do that, well actually, i've had one phone session for an hour that I had to pay for. I've actually NEVER been able to just call and talk if something was truly on my mind...so I sent her this email and now I feel guilty for it. should i feel guilty? i mean, i think she wants me to stop emailing and i'm trying soo hard but, its like, i wish life could get easier...its like the harder i try to not email the tougher life is getting..making it twice as difficult...it took me an hour and a half to come up with this email and i feel bad for it... its also 6 a.m. where i live, so i've been up all night...i've been staying up late every night this week...

here's the email:

Simple ??: Whats your policy on phone calls?-- You called me once ( I did not answer) --- I was processing a painful highschool memory.

The memory this time---wrote my negative night time experience as a little girl, with another little girl, 2 weeks ago---but, it makes me increasingly tempted to call a friend for a sleepover. I hardly sleep. Tonight, its officially 5 min. till 6:00 a.m.>>I NEED to sleep near a women...

I didn't send extra details cus' I'm trying to do whats right and wait until session.
On the flip side, I do not want to struggle unneccesarily or ignore options that are available to me.
its been 2 weeks and I'm running out of ideas....?
.......!

Thanks!

The End.

Oh' the anxiety---this life brings me.
I'm trying so hard to do everything right
but, I feel like I will constantly finish last
and I'm not good enough.

cant even send an email without complications ...ughhh.

FYI-----she told me to write out stuff...about that experience...that was my assignment.

[Sannah]

Has she ever told you to stop emailing?

Hi ((((((((((jazzy)))))))))))

You said that she wants you to stop e-mailing...are you sure? When I used to e-mail my T, I would imagine him seeing my e-mail in his inbox and rolling his eyes in disgust and annoyance. It took a long time and a lot of talking about it before I really believed that wasn't the case.

If she DOES want you to e-mail less, could you write what you need to write and then save it in your drafts? You can add to it as the week goes on. Sometimes that's all I need to do - just get it OUT and know that T will get it eventually - and it helps a lot. Sometimes I don't even end up sending the e-mail. Sometimes I'll just send the whole thing right before my session.

It's REALLY hard to sit with the anxiety between sessions. At one point when it got kind of unbearable for me I did get a prescription for klonopin, and it helped me get through it.

Over time, I've developed coping skills, supports in my life, etc that has made it much more bearable, but it took a while to get here. Be patient with you.

[jazzy123456]

hi.

no. shes never said "don't email me"

at one point, i remember, telling her how bad i feel about it
and she kinda agreed that i did do it a lot
but, at the same time, I had needs..

the most recent time, i try telling her how bad it makes me feel to do it
i told her how bad emailing her makes me feel cus i feel like an annoyance and every time, shes never once, said anyting outloud...which bothers me, she could say "your not an annoyance" ...instead, she keeps quiet...i express how emailing makes me feel so i can give her that opportunity to just say, well...you shouldnt feel that way, you shouldnt feel bad...etc.etc. but, she never says those things

so im thinking i need to be direct and flat out ask her

"do you just want me to stop emailing?"

cuz i dont think shes getting the subtle hints.

[learning1]

I hope she answers your email and hope you have gotten some sleep, or get some soon. I admire your straightforwardness with planning to ask her about emailing. It sounds like maybe she's not sure about her own boundaries with emailing, so maybe you can get her to figure out what her boundaries are.

[Sannah]

Maybe she refuses to respond to anything but directness? Being vague and hinting isn't the preferred communication route.

[ladyjrnlist]

Most T's don't respond to indirect questions seeking their opinions. They try not to give their opinions, so yes, ask her flat out. Personally, I think you a worrying too much about it. It's only email. If she didn't want emails, why did she give you her email address and permission to use it? Also, if she wants you to stop emailing, she can say so herself. If she hasn't, don't try to figure out what she is thinking. You'll just make yourself worry for nothing. You are trying to read her mind, don't do that.

[jazzy123456]

DIRECT---I like that. i'm gonna try to be more direct when I can. and i believe you ladyjrnlist, i know i'm trying to read her mind and umm i've gotta stop, i'm tryin really really hard to not be that way. so lets see, she responded to my email and said she generally doesnt talk to people on the phone unless its a session, so she offered me an earlier date for session but, i cant take that one but she did say...i'm tryin not to read between the lines but she said

""On the whole, I don't use phone calls/emails to respond with a lot of extra processing unless it's a phone session or unless the client and I have decided to use emailing as a means of therapy (in which case I would charge for the interactions). With you, I've not had a problem with you emailing thoughts as you need to, but I know it's not always easy for you not to get a good response in the moments of intense stress.""

It sounds like what she's saying is that it's okay for you to e-mail as long as you don't expect a good response...

When I started e-mailing with T, I was the first client he had used e-mail with, so we both had to figure out how it worked. I remember at one point, I almost had to promise that I wouldn't freak out if I didn't get a response right away. I think he was worried that I would e-mail, he wouldn't get to it (he's slow to get to e-mail), and I would freak out. And I *did* do that sometimes, but I really worked to not do that. T will send very short responses....like "we can make space for this in session"...but I've gotten used to that. On the rare occasion he sends more, it feels like a huge gift.

It REALLY helped me to create super specific e-mail guidelines with T. A lot. I knew what I needed, he decided what his boundaries were, and we came to a compromise that felt right to both of us.

I really do think it's worth discussing directly and honestly with her. Good for you for planning on doing that.

[Kacey2]

Hey Jazzy,
Just a quick note on your post. I was sort of proccessing something a long these lines. Kind of related but in another way and I wanted to share it with you. We need to be careful here on PC about comparing our therapy to another. I do this often myself. For example, I never once had a desire to touch my therapist ever and when I heard that others got hugs (yah hugs!) from their t's I started to wonder if I would ever get a hug? Why hugs weren't something I was given in t? Was I huggable? Did my t hug his other clients? etc. And maybe this has a little to do with your email thing. Was emailing between you and your t an issue before hearing about others emailing theirs on PC?
I personally know that this whole hug thing got me to think well maybe I should talk about this with my t. And maybe I should someday, but as I sat with my thoughts and feelings about it all I realized that it just isn't in the cards for my therapy right now. I think my t would reject hugging me and that would hurt a lot and so I am just not going to pursue that in the best interest of my therapy. It would be more about his limits I think than it would have to do with the huggableness of your truly. Is that the case with your t? Is it just one of her limits and no matter how you wish that could change maybe it is just one that can not be. It definately is about her and not you. She doesn't not email you because it is you she doesn't email you because it is her t quirkiness and limit issues that are beyond your control. She might not give you that but are there things she does super duper well that you just love and you could think about those to balance it all out. Thats what I had to do with the hugging thing. Boy I wish t would do this but he doesn't however he does do X, Y, and Z for me. Good luck Jazz on finding some peace and resolution between you and your t and the email thing. Let us know what you guys figure out ok?

[Sannah]

Jazzy, while we are healing one of the things that we learn is how to communicate openly. In dysfunctional families, things just aren't talked about so we learn to guess and do way too much processing in our heads all by ourselves. Healthy people communicate. They don't guess, they don't read minds, they don't ruminate and live their lives in their heads all by themselves. Healthy people live their lives in the real world interacting with others.

This is something that can be learned, you just need to be aware when you aren't doing it and then learn what you need to do instead so that you are communicating in a healthier way. And interacting this way frees your mind up quite a bit because you don't spend anymore time thinking about this stuff. Once you get good at it, you form your questions and then wait for your chance to ask them without spending hours ruminating. And when you are healthier waiting is okay because you don't have all of these anxieties about the outcome. With some work and focus you can get here.