[Melbadaze]

Sometimes I can fall into the fantasy that nothings changed for me, I'm still the same old person just sober. My fears glare and I feel defeated. Well yesterday at work I was talking to a collegue, now before I begun therapy 7yrs ago I'd long for love so bad, from women, wondered if I was a closet lesbian, would find my "hostage" and precede to tell my story in dramatic form always twisting conversation back to me, me, me hadn't worked through my narcissim (different to npd) would fall apart if "hostage" phoned in sick, would walk along the street with fantasys of what I could say next, how dramatic could I get (hysterial, borderline) hey I love labels LOL!

Now back to yesterday, this woman who at that point had been in my radar as back up hostage if the first choice left, which eventually she did, but by then I was in therapy and things were changing, so just chit chatting to this woman, when she told me her 3 daughters phoned her in the early hours of sunday laughing because they'd gotten into a fight, I asked if they were alright not fully understanding it, bit put off by them laughing, but hey reactions are reactions, but turns out it was all to do with "ex's" and FB slandering and ex's kids being slagged of on FB and she went into detail about the fight in the club the headbutting etc, and she laughed and I felt sick in my stomach, my face must have registered shock because her body language changed, she looked down, begun itching her nose then began to explain how she had brought her 3daughters up alone and wasn't going to let anyone walk over them so taught them to stand up for themselves.

Now I'm thinking, what? that dont make sense, you bring them up with love, to love, and infact giving other people so much power is letting people walk over them, who gives a dam what stupidity is said, but what I was also thinking was when I was young I was just like that, fighting in pubs, proving myself tough, getting joy out of chaos and fights and drama, I in that conversation yesterday became the person I'd always wanted to be deep down, free off all that ego crap, all that codependent crap, all that name calling and drama. I thought and this woman yesterday wasn't the woman I'd fantasized to be yrs back when she was my back up "hostage", I was so low down, so immature, so emotionally underdeveloped I didnt take into account that theres a lot of people out there just as f**ked up, but dont know it and I can see now how I was attracted to these people because I'd never experienced better, now when I think about T, I use to think she was putting it on, her caring etc, that no one can really be like that, now I find myself looking for more people like T and not like my work collegue, fancy bringing 3 daughters up to fight and laugh?? thats f**king SICK!

I dont know why "I" got this 2nd shot at doing life better, but so glad I have been!

[WePow]

Melba, thank you very deeply for sharing this. You got the second shot because YOU refused to just give you. You deserve it because you worked for it.

[WikidPissah]

ditto to what wepow said, you CHOSE to get a second shot, and you were fortunate enough to get a T that could help you. good, hard work on your part.

[granite1]

melba i think it is awsome that you are able to see the progress that you are making.it is never fun ti feel like the person that you didnt want to be.i think i would feel so sorry for the other person.she feels she needs to bring up her kids to fight against the world