[granite1]

I am trying really hard to put words to how i am starting to feel about last mondays sesson.it is so hard everything is so jumbled upin a ball of angerand numbness.but i know they are thare.i was so down in the dumps last week i could bearley function.i was calling out from work and everything.i couldnt talk to anyone.or i didnt want to talk to anyone it was to hard.i lived in my head and was miserable.i was so down it scared me.i was SI and it didnt help nothing was.

looking back on my session it was on one level kind of a disaster.i wouldnt talk.i was so angry at times and so detatched at others,my head was spinning at times,i was sick to my stomach,i guess scared because that is the one thing i did say.and this is how i left.barely able to still funtion and detached.came home and hid in my room.but didnt SI. all of this is concrete truth.stuff i know

this is when it gets scary and confusing for me.after my head started clearing some do to my son being able to come home after all.i thought about this session.i thought about me sitting thare so out of controle in my head.sooo down,unable to function even thare.BUT this is what i doubt.
1. it seemed to be ok i didnt need to talk T talked,she talked a lot and loud.i wonder was this ok with her? was she able to deal with me being this way and it was ok?it didnt scare her ,like it was scaring the heck out of me?

2. is this a good thing? i know it is a stupid question but i dont know and it is scary to me.is it ok if a T is ok with someone being this out of controle. i had no energy to fight it or to fight my T about it or anything.but for that time she seemed to be in controle.am i just thinking that?i dont know

3. in thinking back it felt ok to be the way i was in T in a way it never has been.kind of safe.THAT SCARES ME.my next thoughts instantly go to how far will she let me go if she is in controle.especially at times like then when i no longer want to controle anything i just want to give up.

4.when i left T i was still so out of controle without her thare to help me.that scares me also.how far would i have gone if my mood didnt pick up with the news from my son.i wasnt able to even remember anything much of what she said.

5.was T really in controle the whole time and did i let her be and how dangerous is that for me in the long run?

[rainbow8]

granite, it would probably help if you could ask or write these questions to T yourself, because only SHE knows the answers, not any of us. We're only guessing. I'll try, but keep in mind what I just wrote. Also, what do YOU think? You know T better than any of us do.

1. I hate when I hear "it's their job" but in this case it might help you to realize that T wasn't scared. She didn't take on your feelings. That's why she's T, and we're not.

2. Yes, it's okay for you to be out of control and T to be in control. I think that's the best thing about therapy. Someone is there to support us when we are or think we are, out of control. I am just getting to the point of allowing myself to be somewhat out-of-control with my T, and I saw how she stays completely IN control. You don't have to worry about T!

3. I can relate to this because of what happened at my last session. I was sort of out of control because I, or the child part, was scared, and somehow I wasn't afraid to show that to my T. It was weird. I think you have to trust T that she won't let you go so far out of control that anything bad will happen to you in the session. Again, SHE IS in control because she's the T, and not the one sitting there with the feelings. Does that make sense?

4. This one I can't answer for sure, but I think you would have gone on, taking 1 day at a time like you always do, and coming to PC for help. I'm so glad your son IS able to come home after all.

5. I don't think it was dangerous for T to be in control. I think she was in control in a "good way." You needed to be talked to, and you felt a little safe though it was scary. I know the feeling.

These are my opinions, granite. I'm going with my gut feeling. Like I said, I wish you could ask your T directly and I'm sure she will reassure you.

[granite1]

thank you so much raini know these questions are hard.they are hard for me to understand .what you said was awsome and just what i am looking for.i just want to know others experiances with this and if it is ok and all.someday i hope to be able to ask my T this maybe someday i will print these out and give them to her on a day i am feeling brave lol

[googley]

(((((((((((Granite))))))))))

All this stuff takes time to be able to talk about. Be gentle with yourself.

[jexa]

((((((granite)))))))) I agree with rainbow's answers 100%! And I think you're doing an awesome job of writing down your feelings and trying to put them into words. Today I was a little out of control in T as well, had an anxiety attack in today's session.. it's okay though because T's are supposed to know how to help us when we feel out of control. I think it's okay to let go, granite. You are doing great. I swear, every time I see a new post from you, you are taking another awesome step toward healing!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by jexa

((((((granite)))))))) I agree with rainbow's answers 100%! And I think you're doing an awesome job of writing down your feelings and trying to put them into words. Today I was a little out of control in T as well, had an anxiety attack in today's session.. it's okay though because T's are supposed to know how to help us when we feel out of control. I think it's okay to let go, granite. You are doing great. I swear, every time I see a new post from you, you are taking another awesome step toward healing!

thanks jexa sometimes i just feel like a failure at therapy.i know therapy has no right way and all but sometimes it seems that over the year i have made no progress at all.in fact sometimes it seems i have gone backwards with my behaviors and stuff.but my T says that all she expects of me is to show up every week and i'm doing ok with that.i just get scared i will freak her out

[granite1]

Originally Posted by googley

(((((((((((Granite))))))))))

All this stuff takes time to be able to talk about. Be gentle with yourself.

thanks googly.i do need to hear this a lot.i really just wish i could now .

[WikidPissah]

(((granite))) I don't have any answers, sorry. I do know that sometimes I need T to be in control because I get so out of control. Having that one stable anchor is good. I also know that your T can handle it, if she couldn't than she wouldn't be able to take control when need be. I am so glad your son will be home!!!