[Kacey2]

Here is a post that I had written on the NO CHRISTMAS GIFT THREAD. Please read:

I have given my t gifts in the past like gift certificates to restaurants, movie tickets, crocs, etc.. I always was trying to think of something that he would really like (ex movie time w/ his fam). Last year for Christmas I made him a wreath and gave him a gift certificate to a resort that I knew he would love. He wouldn't accept the gift certificate. I was crushed because I had thought sooo hard to find something I knew he would really enjoy. Even this year as the holiday season rolled around I felt hurt about it all over again.

So I emailed him and straight out asked if I could give him a gift this year. I told him that it was really hurtful last year when he rejected my gift and I didn't want to experience that again. I told him that it was really important for me go be able to give him a gift and I promised to tone it down if it was allowed.

He wrote back that he was really excited that I had asked and that he felt was such a huge step and saw this as progress. He said that was "connection" between us. He said I wouldn't like his answer but he had to decline any gifts.

I don't understand really.................gifts, hugs, etc... They are such a normal generic things now a days and why are those so freely exchanged sometimes with people who are simply acquantances but they are "taboo" for therapy. It makes me feel like there is something wrong (dirty? shameful? ) about being in a therapy relationship.

I challanged him by saying if a 6 year old waddled into his office with a gift for him that he would not reject it.

OK so I got t a card and made two donations in his name to charities. The first was to PORT which is a local therapeutic residential program for teenagers and the second was to the Union Gospel Mission which is an organization in our state the does various community missions this one specifically for providing food to needy families.

I had planned to put the carbon copies of my checks which said in the memo "in lieu of a gift for my therapist, ______ _____" in a tiny little stocking and attatch it to the card. I felt that would be kind of like passing it on in t's name and that he would not reject that sort of a gift. Too bad if he did, the checks have been cashed.

Here in lies the problem. I don't feel like there are any words of caring that can be expressed anymore. That drive I had for connection is just gone. This year has been so disappointing in the t department I just don't really feel like even giving t a card. It is kind of like, what is the point? He flat out told me no when I asked him about giving a gift. At first my donations seemed like a good idea and of course I like to give and help those in need. I felt good about that part. However now I just think that maybe I should just ignore it all. Do I just not even tell t that I gave donations in his name? It's not like he would ever find out. On the other hand I have always given t a card on special occassions expressing my gratitude (maybe I just don't have much right now? I really don't know). Not doing so will make this year seem even more off if you know what I mean. Please help I have my appointment on tuesday.

[with or without you]

IMO this is a tough one, since you say that you and T have had some ruptures this year. I say you could let him know you made a donation in his name....but remember—this sounds cliche', but the most important things in life really aren't things. If he really cares about you and you care about him, that's all that matters. I know that my T knows how I feel about her, so I don't feel a need to give her anything for Christmas.

So just let him know at the beginning of the visit that you made some donations in his name, and leave it at that.

[rainbow8]

I see myself in what you are feeling, Kacey. The connection to your T is what is most important to you, and that's why his refusal of a gift bothers you. It's not the particular gift or charity or whatever. It's that if this were a REAL relationship, which we think of it as, and in some ways it is, but in other ways it isn't, we wouldn't have this issue. We'd give a gift and it would be accepted with no questions or need for approval first. But it's a therapeutic relationship and when gift-giving comes up we are reminded of that somewhat unpleasant fact.

I could be wrong and just saying how it is for me, but I do think it's what's beneath your uncertainties and feelings right now about your therapy. If I'm off base, just ignore me.

[Omers]

It is such a tough place to be. My T's rule is that it can't be something I paid for... It has to be some kind of home made gift. But given our ups and downs this year I am even worried about that. Dunno... I am scared too but I don't see T again until just after Christmas because I had to move things around. Then there is my massage T who accepts gifts but is buddhist??? god I over think things! I wish we could all just be people!

[granite1]

i made my T a card and a cupon book .i would tell him you gave in his name i think both of you deserve that connection and also make him a card esp if not doing so will make things even more off for you.((hugs)) and i hope you and T get a chance to work things out before christmas

[WePow]

My thoughts are biased right now on this topic. I would say protect yourself and don't even try to go around his rule because you end up hurt. But that is from the part of me that just can't take any more pain from anyone in authority, so I avoid it at all cost.

But that is just the thing. It is a cost to you emotionally.

So if you want to give the gift in his honor, do it. But don't tell them that you are doing it related to his name. And don't do the card. Just do it.
But I WOULD tell him in session that you did it.
Tell him that you feel you needed to give back at this time of year.
Explain to him how the rejection of the gift made you feel.
Just be honest about it.

Whatever you decide, just be sure you do it for your healing.
You are the one who deserves the gift~!
In fact, I think T's should be the ones to be posting wondering what small thing they could gift a client this time of year!!! Maybe a special note about how well the client has done that year? Or letting the client know one thing that the T thinks is special and good about the client? IDK - just me but it is usually the parents who are supposed to be giving the gifts to the kids this time of year. So... that is what I think tonight about it :-)

[with or without you]

from what I have heard, T's giving gifts to clients is an even bigger no-no than the other way around...

[rainbow8]

Hmm. I guess a couple of my former Ts blew it then. One gave me a book but that was at the end of therapy so maybe it doesn't count. The other one gave me a few things, like a toy for my grandchildren that she was going to throw out, and a lip gloss sample that was a spur of the moment decision to give me.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Hmm. I guess a couple of my former Ts blew it then. One gave me a book but that was at the end of therapy so maybe it doesn't count. The other one gave me a few things, like a toy for my grandchildren that she was going to throw out, and a lip gloss sample that was a spur of the moment decision to give me.

LOL. I guess it depends on the T then....just like the gift-receiving thing

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I see myself in what you are feeling, Kacey. The connection to your T is what is most important to you, and that's why his refusal of a gift bothers you. It's not the particular gift or charity or whatever. It's that if this were a REAL relationship, which we think of it as, and in some ways it is, but in other ways it isn't, we wouldn't have this issue. We'd give a gift and it would be accepted with no questions or need for approval first. But it's a therapeutic relationship and when gift-giving comes up we are reminded of that somewhat unpleasant fact.

I could be wrong and just saying how it is for me, but I do think it's what's beneath your uncertainties and feelings right now about your therapy. If I'm off base, just ignore me.

Yep Rainbow. You have got it. It is about the relationship; the REAL, the not real, the who the hell knows what it is-SHIP. So you totally dead on get it. What would you do? And please don't say talk to t about it. I just can't. I can't keep shifting all my therapy time back to the "SHIP." My t gets frusterated I think because then we don't ever talk about anything else. He knows that I have a lot of difficulties in relationships. He knows firsthand. I just feel like I need to make peace with myself somehow and I can't. I haven't made a hasty decision, I can't make one at all. Either live with the struggles and pain of a t relationship or walk away of which I am terrified. The ambivilance truly kills me. So what to do?
What to do about this week first off I guess. Scrape together a card with some delicate but true sentences in it? And try to keep a sense of stability, a "tradition" of sorts i.e. giving cards and gifts in the past to t at special times. (mind you you don't get tradition when you grow up with a raging alcoholic) or just try to get through the week and let the pain fade until next year. I am definately feeling the pain of the gift rejection from last year when he returned a gift of what he called significant monetory value. AAAHHhhhggg!

I wish t would just understand I have a difficult time expressing myself in any other way than to say it in a hallmark card and give a gift of appreciation. Our work together is so hard on both of us. So up and down, so unsteady. I just need to be able to say, "thanks for sticking with me. I know it has been a lot of work for you." My love language is in giving gifts and doing things for others. I am not so developed in other areas of expression. I did tell that to t.

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by WePow

In fact, I think T's should be the ones to be posting wondering what small thing they could gift a client this time of year!!! Maybe a special note about how well the client has done that year? Or letting the client know one thing that the T thinks is special and good about the client? IDK - just me but it is usually the parents who are supposed to be giving the gifts to the kids this time of year. So... that is what I think tonight about it :-)

I like that WePow! You made me smile.

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by WePow

So if you want to give the gift in his honor, do it. But don't tell them that you are doing it related to his name. And don't do the card. Just do it.

I alread did do it. The checks have been cashed. I did it two weeks ago. I just haven't said anything.

But I WOULD tell him in session that you did it.
Tell him that you feel you needed to give back at this time of year.
Explain to him how the rejection of the gift made you feel.
Just be honest about it.

That's the tough part. It would be so much better just to let it go and not say anything. To say one thing would make me burst into tears.

Whatever you decide, just be sure you do it for your healing.
You are the one who deserves the gift~!

Healing at Christmas for me is to make new memories. To make up for the very difficult holidays we had.

In fact, I think T's should be the ones to be posting wondering what small thing they could gift a client this time of year!!! Maybe a special note about how well the client has done that year? Or letting the client know one thing that the T thinks is special and good about the client? IDK - just me but it is usually the parents who are supposed to be giving the gifts to the kids this time of year. So... that is what I think tonight about it :-)

Like I said before. I so like this idea WePow!

**Obviously I don't know how to do that multiquote thing. I tried but it didn't work out!**

[PreacherHeckler]

I say give him a guilt trip for Christmas. That's what I gave my T today in an email. (He didn't tell me ahead of time that he could only see me once this week, and the following week he's on vacation, and this is the 2nd time he's done that just before Christmas.)
I told him I couldn't afford to give him a real trip for Christmas, so I thought I'd give him a guilt trip instead. Told him he has to take it because it's non-refundable and I put a lot of thought into it before I gave it to him, and I didn't think he'd want all that effort to be wasted.

[elliemay]

I guess I would think about this decision this way: What is the most important thing to me? (1) Letting the therapist know about the gift OR (2) The act of giving the gift.

Your therapist has very plainly stated a no gift policy, and I agree, that is confusing and hurtful. If you tell him about the gift, it will undoubtedly spark a conversation that may help you to understand his thinking, and may actually lead you closer to him. Or it may go the completely opposite direction.

So, if I decided to tell him, then I would ask myself "what do I want to get out of telling him?"

Good luck.

I guess I am lucky, my therapist doesn't accept insurance. After his fees, I'm convinced that I don't owe him anything else at all!

Let us know how it goes.

[BlackCanary]

Also, what you wrote about your T not rejecting the gift of a six year old is probably true!
But, a six year old also doesn't bring a gift with major monetary value - jewel-toned tissue paper glued to a jar with a tea light inside; a salt-dough ornament; a trivet made from felt and a bath tile; sachets with lavender or balsam.

Maybe bring something from your inner six year old?
Your grown-up self did a nice job on the donations, btw! I think that's a great honor, a wonderful remembrance.

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

I say give him a guilt trip for Christmas. That's what I gave my T today in an email. (He didn't tell me ahead of time that he could only see me once this week, and the following week he's on vacation, and this is the 2nd time he's done that just before Christmas.)
I told him I couldn't afford to give him a real trip for Christmas, so I thought I'd give him a guilt trip instead. Told him he has to take it because it's non-refundable and I put a lot of thought into it before I gave it to him, and I didn't think he'd want all that effort to be wasted.

HILARIOUS PREACHER! What did he say?

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by BlackCanary

Also, what you wrote about your T not rejecting the gift of a six year old is probably true!
But, a six year old also doesn't bring a gift with major monetary value - jewel-toned tissue paper glued to a jar with a tea light inside; a salt-dough ornament; a trivet made from felt and a bath tile; sachets with lavender or balsam.

Maybe bring something from your inner six year old?
Your grown-up self did a nice job on the donations, btw! I think that's a great honor, a wonderful remembrance.

BC,
I can't help it, my six year old self now has money!

[PreacherHeckler]

Don't know yet Kacey; he hasn't responded. But I just sent it today and he doesn't always check his email on weekends. I'll let you know if I hear from him before my session this week. He has a good sense of humor so he'll probably take it pretty well.