saying goodbye is hard

Zoo sometimes I think its easier for others to see the progress you have made than yourself. It may be hard to believe me right now but I think you will realize it too someday. I really meant what I said. I am absolutely in awe of how much you know. Granted you have a lot more DBT and life experience than I do but I think it is something else too. Im not quite sure what it is but I feel it must have something to do with what a kind person you are and how you work so hard. To be honest, sometimes I wish I could be as good as you. You're my model for DBT perfection. It's not my t becuase shes too perfect and I never get to see her struggles. However, I get to see your trip ups and your subsequent fixs of the situation. I don't know I guess it just provides a model for me of what "real life" DBT usage would look like and I'm so glad I have that. It's made my DBT journey so much easier to have someone more experienced in DBT share their struggles and skill usage than me just attempting to do it on my own. I hope you believe I'm being sincere because I really do mean it. I'm not sure what I would do without having you as a model zoo. My life would be much harder. ((((zoo)))))

((((((kat)))))))

that means a lot to me, thank you so much!

I think my progress is a testament to how good a T I have, but then it is hard for me to take credit for anything but the bad stuff in my life. You said that I work hard, and that is something my T has said to me a lot too. I guess I do work hard, because DBT is the only thing I've ever done that took away some of the pain without creating more pain and problems for me later on.

It's like...the harder I work, the better I feel, and the better I feel the harder I work. DBT clicked for me immediately when I first started. I don't always agree with everything, and I don't like a lot of it, but it *works*. I was close to death when I started DBT, and now I'm not.

Anyway, I'm glad that reading my posts is helping you, Kat. Sometimes I think I post too much and am too emotionally messy all over the place here, so it's good to know at least someone isn't rolling their eyes in my direction, lol.

you mean like this zoo. never. lol jk. No really I couldn't roll my eyes at any of your posts. They are so heartfelt and sincere. I've never once seen you put up a post thats sarcastic or fake and I really apreciate that.

It can feel very unsettling once you get to a point where you feel you don't need T as much, or you can see a time in the future where you don't need therapy anymore. Especially if you just personally like your therapist and enjoy their company. It can be as simple as that. And that's hard, because they probably can't ever be your friend (the two-year rule after termination aside). That's why I am trying gradually to make more friends in order to "bundle up", I guess....so I can wrap myself up with enough friends to be open with, so I don't need this exhausting one-way business relationship.

Life just isn't fair, is it?

(((((((((((((( zooropa )))))))))))))))

ugh. T is the south eastern US, which is getting pummeled with snow. I really hate the feeling of her being so far away, and even though I don't see her until Fri I can't help worrying that the snow will delay her safe return home.

(((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

I'm sorry your T is so far away. Can you think of her having fun in the snow, making snow angles and snow people, and having snow ball fights? Would that make you feel better?

hang in there zoo!
Imagine that she is there right now and what you are going to tell her! Prepare to that session...think of it. look forwards to it

I know how hard it can be like this alone. We depend on our therapists so much!

Right now things are pretty quiet, after the craziness of xmas and xmas eve. Next week all holy hell will break loose when school starts up again, I move to a new apartment, the kids move in with me, and they all start new schools too.

So, it's really kind of the calm before the storm, but at least it's calm.

I haven't called my T since last Tuesday. I haven't really needed to. I miss her a lot, though. I'm thinking about emailing or texting her tomorrow. I think it would feel good to just hear something from her, to just test that connection and know it is still there.

I have a couple of pictures of her, I looked at those today. I needed to be reminded that she is real, that she's not some figment of my imagination. I looked at the appointment card with her handwriting on it that she gave me last week. It is kind of like a promise from her that I will see her next week. (<---wait, no, I will see her this week, not next week! phew)

How embarrassing to be so needy and vulnerable.

((((((((zoo))))))))

Needy and vulnerable are okay

It might sound weird, but I think that learning to let myself be needy and vulnerable has been one of the gifts of my therapy. I don't have to be all armored, surrounded by walls, defending myself. Letting myself have needs and be vulnerable with T has helped me learn to be more gentle with myself, because he is so gentle with me. And tapping into that vulnerability has allowed me to see the world around me differently - with more tenderness and compassion, I think. I can let myself be connected to other people.

When I go a long time (for me, lol) without contacting T, I almost always send a quick e-mail just to check in to see that the connection is still there. I know intellectually that it is, but that little point of connection helps me FEEL it, and that's okay.

I hope you don't mind me jumping in and reframing But having needs and being vulnerable is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's something you've grown into, a way to honor yourself, and that's a good thing.

I had a dream about T last night. I don't really remember much of it. When I woke up I sent her a text saying "I had a dream about you last night. I hope you had a nice xmas. I'll see you friday."

and she wrote back a few minutes later, saying she had a great xmas and she's snowed in for a couple of days but she'll see me friday.

I guess it's good to know she's still out there. I just don't like this disruption to my normal routine. And I'm facing a lot of huge changes in my life right now, so my "normal routine" is going to change. A lot. I guess I need to get used to it.

Zoo- I'm so glad your t texted you back. I bet you cant wait till friday. I'm anxiously awaiting next wed.

I'm glad your T texted you back, zoo....sometimes it's that reassurance that our Ts are still there are what we need to get through the day....I, too, hate the feeling of being needy and vulnerable. And I don't usually allow myself to feel those things...which is what may very well be keeping me stuck in therapy and in life....(sigh)