[WePow]

First - thank you ALL SOOOOOO MUCH for being HERE for me today.
I can't tell you guys just how much it helped to have you with me to just hold my hand and give me hugs and be as confused as I was!

And you all gave me great insights and courage.
I am so glad I wrote my T that final email.
I had to tell him what I NEEDED and why.

He wrote back!!!! He told me:

"I am here and I am not going anywhere.
If you feel the benefit outweighs the risk, feel free to use e-mail. "

WOW !!!!

Today was so bad, but I made it and now am back on track and learned a TON about myself, about others, and about my T.
Wow. I am totally exhausted by all this.
I never thought it would HIT me as hard as this did.
I thought "If T ever told me I couldn't email, I would not like it but I would be fine." Well, I saw just how vulnerable I am with my T. That tells me how much I must trust him at that deep level. And that is a good thing to be learning. But boy is it so hard to trust. Wow.

For all of you very wonderful people who made THE difference in my life today when I was at the lowest in - well in as long as I can remember -

[rainbow8]

WePow, thanks for the chance to use all of the above "smilies"!!!!!!

[chicken_wing]

I am the glass was never full, cannot be full, will always be empty sort of person.

I am glad you got some resolution, Wepow and that you'll be able to email freely your T again.

But I don't like his phrasing, "If you feel the benefit outweighs the risk, feel free to use e-mail," but you know your T best. And in the end, I SUPPOSE the most important thing is that you have your comfort again.

I may experiencing some transference here due to my own T/email drama.

[Omers]

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phew.
Now, do some SERIOUS self care, it has been a long day!

[bpd mess]

YAY!!!!! So glad your t will let you email if you want to. sounds like lots of things were learned. my t keeps telling me that unfortunate things happen, but they can be opportunities to learn if you let them. i usually want to hit her if she says it during the "unfortunate event", but it sounds pretty true afterwards.

[chicken_wing]

Sorry to somewhat hijack your thread Wepow but reading everyone's posts has gotten me all worked up! I think I'm going to tell my T tomorrow that wounded me and I didn't appreciate it.

[velcro003]

yay wepow!!!! I just KNEW your T would come through

[granite1]

wepow i am happy for you i know trust is so hard

Three cheers to We Pow's T

poor guy, betcha he is limping from where i kicked him~ check it out on Wednesday...

glad it all worked out!!!!

[mixedup_emotions]

I absolutely LOVE how you emailed your T - even after he told you not to - in order to get YOUR needs met. And that T was able to see how this was affecting you and compromise, again to get YOUR needs met. That's so awesome....

[velcro003]

WePow, I am glad you did too Even though my T has said "You shouldn't e-mail," I've SO e-mailed her a few times since then and always in distress. She has always responded to that, and hasn't told me that I've crossed some boundary-which I am always afraid of.

Yay for T's who recognize our needs despite the "rules!"

WePow, thank you so much for sharing this. I've been thinking about you and wondering what was happening. I'm so glad you told him what you needed. And I'm glad he is able to give it to you. Well done to both you and your T for trying so hard!

(I feel a bit like chicken-wing- I find his words you posted quite lukewarm as a response to what you expressed- but the main thing is that it's his response to you and you, knowing your relationship, feel good about it).

[sugahorse1]

Awesome!! It must really be a weight off your shoulders! And you were able to be honest and upfront with him

[googley]

((((((((((WePow))))))))))))

I'm so glad that you were able to get your T to see where you were coming from. That is awesome.

[Gus1234U]

{{{{ WePow~! }}}} i'm so happy you are happy~! happy is good,, more please ~

[Oceanwave]

Great WePow! How did your session go, by the way?

[WePow]

I only saw T on Monday... I see him again next Wed. Monday's session was very hard because I was just too disconnected. I had to make myself go to that session as it was. T told me right away that I felt "far away" - which was what I felt. For the first time ever with him I sat in silence for a while. We did start to talk but I just was not hearing what he was saying. I was telling him that I felt like people were all blaming me for what was happening inside of me and they just expected me to be able to heal myself without knowing how to do it. T was trying very hard to tell me that I was not hearing what he was actually saying. I really had a very rough session. He went over by 40 min even! It was at one point when he said we needed to talk about the email situation.

So there I was in very bad place and the whole email thing is brought up. He hesitated a lot before telling me and he only told me because I was nodding and not saying anything - at that point he could have told me to go fly a kite and I would not have felt hurt any further because I was just emotionally really not wanting to be connected to him. It was like because I missed seeing him for so long and then having him reply with just that link when I really needed him. And then me using self harm when I thought of him that day... which I did tell him about at the end of session and he said "Thank you for sharing that with me." - I think he could see that there was something very wrong with my emotions Monday. He even told me I was depressed - I said he was wrong but knew he was right.

Well all of that combined with what I thought I heard him say - that we would not use email any longer - it tossed me over the edge emotionally. By Tuesday morning, I was at a VERY VERY high level of being VERY unsafe. I posted on PC and called T and suffered the entire day at work.

Finally I was able to send T an email saying exactly what I needed - that I do NEED to have that access to him at times and for him to take it from me felt like I was loosing him. He wrote back what I posted and said he wasn't going anywhere :-)

I never thought I would be this bonded to another person in a healthy way. But I am. And I do need this bond. And I went into panic mode emotionally when I thought that bond was in jepordy. Thankfully he is the perfect T for me and I can believe him - that he is not going to vanish on me. I even trust him that he would still try to take care of me in the T way if I did loose my job - and couldn't pay him much. I sense that he would find a way to see me when needed and let me have a payment plan. I never talked to him about this but that is how much I do trust him to not let me drop.

I am looking forward to seeing him next Wed. I am so thankful he sent back that email because I don't think I could have taken that level of pain until I see him again and over the holiday. I would not have made it I don't think. It was one of the most painful experiences emotionally in my entire life. When I do see him next week, I think I will want to just ask him for a hug right at the start of session because I know I will just break down crying in relief when I do hug him and if I wait until the end of session, I have to drive home in tears! :-)

[Oceanwave]

Hi (((((((WePow)))))),

I'm so sorry you've been through this rough patch, for weeks now. You couldn't see your T because of the weather, then he was comparing you to other clients and that was triggering. Also you said your S/O is trying to quit smoking, which is making things harder and more stressful in general. Then your T finally decided not to take insurance and told you later that you can't use email. Stress after stress, isn't it. In your previous posts you mentioned just how disconnected you've been feeling with T - even he noticed that in session. Did you manage to discuss any of these with him last time? I hope you can get some resolution to your worries. The insurance business and continuing with T sounds particularly important, as I gather. (((((WePow))))), I know it is hard, but could you tackle what still remains of these issues with T, one by one? Perhaps there is an underlying stressor or trigger there that's really bothering you deep down. I'm guesing this might be about how you will be continuing with T in the new year. I hope you can reconnect with him next time and work through whatever is important to you. Pushing him away seemed to take you to a very bad place. I hope you have a productive session next week!

[WePow]

((((Oceanwave))))) I am at a very good place now. It just took everything comming together I think. When I felt I had lost my T and then had him email me that I could continue to email him, I felt like I had regained the world. I trust my T and am now on a different side of something I can't name.

It is like I am resting on the inside - finally. That I feel safe in his hands and that he is there. Almost like I am finally done testing him (even though I didn't realize I was testing him). It is a wonderful calm emotion. It is not a panic type of emotion.

I am looking forward to having 2011 be the very best year of my life.