[Kacey2]

I feel really disconnected to my t after the break and do not feel like going to my t session tomorrow. I just feel like what is the point? I know that I am closed off and will not want to talk about anything anyways. I had a very hard Christmas (my trigger post) and that will be off limits because I will feel like he is a stranger. Also, if I am being honest, I will feel like oh he doesn't care anyway.

Yep I said it people the infamous care word. Hopefully no attacks to come.

Well anyway.... I was just wondering how everyone else is dealing with getting back to therapy?

Should I email t and say "I don't want to come." I am sure he already knows it. Or do I show up and waste our time? Or do I just not show?

Yes yes yes. And yes! I definitely feel this way whenever my T has been away. If you emailed him now describing these feelings, would he have time to reply before your session? This seems to be the ritual that my T and I go through- I tell her I've had time to think over the break and I've decided to quit. She and I text a bit, speak on the phone to reconnect and by the time my session comes round, I've generally settled back into it. It's hard though, if your session is literally the day T comes back.

How would you feel if you didn't go? That's generally the question that gets me to show up without fail- knowing that I'd always wish I'd gone.

I hope you can go, even if you just use tomorrow's session to ease back into the relationship with your T. You don't have to talk about your Christmas straight away. But by the end of the session he might feel less like a stranger, and you could move forward from there.

Well done for surviving the break- especially with such a traumatic time with your family.

[granite1]

i totally feel this way because i know i wont be able to talk to her at all and i get angry.i say to go and maybe it wont be a waste of your time even if you say one thing thats what i try to do even just one word

[ECHOES]

I don't have many breaks, but when they happen I find myself feeling as if I could never go to therapy again. It's a defense. When I return, the feelings I've been denying (anger, fear, lost) can emerge and make the first session back a hard one for me.

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I don't have many breaks, but when they happen I find myself feeling as if I could never go to therapy again. It's a defense. When I return, the feelings I've been denying (anger, fear, lost) can emerge and make the first session back a hard one for me.

Echoes do you mean anger, fear, and lost at t?
I feel mad that he has been gone back to his real life. Does that make sense?

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by Improving

Well done for surviving the break- especially with such a traumatic time with your family.

Thanks!

I could email him and he would email me back in the morning before my appointment. However, I just feel as if this is a pattern that I continuously fall into. Everytime he takes a leave, I feel like quitting and email or call and say, "I don't want to see you." He will respond and I will reluctantly go (but a sense of relief mixed in there too). I am tired of doing that but I still feel the same way about it every time. So now I just stuff it and don't say anything at all because I feel as though I am just not getting anywhere with feeling differently about the whole thing.

Why keep voicing something that never changes? I am sincerely asking this. Will it change someday? Does he get tired of the whole thing? 'I know that KC will email or call me on Monday and then I will call her back and she will come?' Lately though I have not shown up when I said I wasn't. I have cancelled and not returned calls. I must be getting more independent.

Yes I will be upset and angry if I don't go and on the other hand I will be angry if I do go because for some screwed up reason I will feel weak and then I will feel disdain for myself. And even in saying all of that, if I had to bet I would put the odds on that I will be there tomorrow at noon.

I feel so bad, just ick!

[Sweetlove]

Yes, I am feeling this way now. My T has been on vacation for over a week and my appt. isn't until Fri. but I really need to get there sooner this week. However, alll I can picture is my T listening to the millions of voicemails that have accumulated on his week off and I would just be adding to that neverending list! I feel like even if I call it won't matter because he might still be disconnected from his time off. Even though I know how much he needs a vacation, I feel like this time off has set me back.

I hope I can get the courage to talk to him about this when I see him, and I hope you can too

[ECHOES]

Echoes do you mean anger, fear, and lost at t?
I feel mad that he has been gone back to his real life. Does that make sense?

Yes, those emotions and others about T being away. Sometimes they are subtle and I don't notice (or I'm denying them or burying them) until we resume.

Yes it does make sense to feel mad because he's gone back to his real life. Does it make you curious that you feel this more now, when he actually does that each day and weekend? Does it seem more real or separate when it happens during a break?

I've also talked in therapy about jealousy and being jealous of T's life.

[Kacey2]

Yes Echoes I do wonder why it is so much harder when t is on vacation. I do know that it is hard for me because I tend to cut off so much that we had to go to two times a week so I wouldn't go back to "you're a stranger to me" every weekly meeting we had. Also maybe it is easier for me to live in my fantasy that I really am included as a valid member of his life when it is not so overtly obvious during normal weeks.

What really gets me is that we are so separate from their real life, it's like their work T vs real Home. I don't understand how it can really work in harmony when everygthing is so rigid and separate. That is how I got into such a mental mess that I am. I separated everything so much in my mind. If I didn't like the abuse I packaged it up and pushed it out of my mind so it was unreachable. I kept denying until I made up a new life in my head. I sectioned this year and those years and I sectioned this and that and then I ended up being just all split apart and not having a real self ya know?

So for me the sectioning off is something I don't understand.

[ECHOES]

(((Kacey2))) I think it feels like more abuse. It feels like intentionally not being available to you, as if the intent is to hurt you instead of the intent to take time from work for himself.

Twice a week sounds good. I did that for a short time when I could afford it but it was a too early in my therapy; now would be a good time, but the financial resources just aren't there.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

I feel really disconnected to my t after the break and do not feel like going to my t session tomorrow. I just feel like what is the point? I know that I am closed off and will not want to talk about anything anyways. I had a very hard Christmas (my trigger post) and that will be off limits because I will feel like he is a stranger. Also, if I am being honest, I will feel like oh he doesn't care anyway.

Yep I said it people the infamous care word. Hopefully no attacks to come.

Well anyway.... I was just wondering how everyone else is dealing with getting back to therapy?

Should I email t and say "I don't want to come." I am sure he already knows it. Or do I show up and waste our time? Or do I just not show?

What do you think would happen if you went to therapy tomorrow and just simply told your T that you missed him and you're confused?

(((((((((((((Kacey))))))))))))))

I've seen my T twice a week for three years for the same reason...because it's so hard to hold on to the connection for a week between sessions. And breaks REALLY can throw it off.

My T takes LOTS of breaks. I've gone through all kinds of phases around it...wanting to quit therapy, going but shutting down, going and crying on the couch the whole time...it's changed over time, but it's still hard.

I always, ALWAYS e-mail my T the Sunday night at the end of the break and say "are you there" and he responds "I'm here, and I'll see you tomorrow". Just having that little tiny point of connection seems to help.

One thing I try to remember is that no matter how horrible the session (or two) after a break feels, it won't feel like that forever. T and I have been through so many breaks, and have had so many bad first sessions back, but we always settle into our connected, comfortable relationship again eventually.

So. Can you hang on to the fact that even if tomorrow is awful, it won't be that way forever? You and T will find each other again...but only if you show up and give yourself a chance.

[Kacey2]

Yes Ellie and Tree, I think you guys are on to something. I was thinking that I could write down a few things on a piece of paper that I am contemplating talking to t about. I could preface it by saying something such as this, "If I wasn't mad at you for being gone or feeling completely like you are a total stranger today I would possibly want to talk to you about one of these things.............."

That way everything would be out there and he could figure it out from there. Is that a good idea? What do you think?

Originally Posted by Kacey2

That way everything would be out there and he could figure it out from there. Is that a good idea? What do you think?

I honestly think it's ALWAYS a good idea to share how you are feeling in the moment with T, especially when you are angry or disappointed with him. That's when some of the best work is done.

It's hard to do, but I've never regretted doing it.

[mixedup_emotions]

I believe it would be incredibly worthwhile for you to explore the recurring feelings that you have during a break to figure out what's behind them.

Even starting it off with, "T, I've noticed a pattern with my feelings when we have these breaks, and I want to understand them better. It goes something like this...."....

[jazzy123456]

I understand what it feels like if too much time is spent apart. they feel like a stranger to you and not only is it uncomfortable but it makes it hard to open up.

Originally Posted by Kacey2

I was thinking that I could write down a few things on a piece of paper that I am contemplating talking to t about. I could preface it by saying something such as this, "If I wasn't mad at you for being gone or feeling completely like you are a total stranger today I would possibly want to talk to you about one of these things.............."

That way everything would be out there and he could figure it out from there. Is that a good idea? What do you think?

Sounds like a fab idea. It gets your feelings about his holiday out there, and highlights the key things you need to cover. Hope this works for you, will be thinking of you.

[Kacey2]

Ok so I just got back from t and I brought in my list and read what I had said before. He gently touched on the disconnection and then we talked about some of the things on my list. That was probably for the best, sometimes I get so wrapped up in how I am feeling towards t that we don't get to any of the other issues.

Thank you all for supporting me. I am glad when I can write things out on PC and I can see how I have been able to change my behavior in t.

It wasn't an easy session but I have to say it went better than some of the others coming off of a break. I was willing to do what needed to be done in order to get somewhere in my 50 minutes.

We did talk about the family christmas a little so at least it is out there. I did leave my sunglasses on the whole time. That is something that I do for protection. T asked me to take them off but I told him I couldn't. I told him that I needed there to be that distance right now. I couldn't just completely take the plunge back to connectedness. When he pushed it I gave him the analogy that if all the ice were to melt today it would be disasterous. He commented that it would indeed be a flood and so I think he understood.

[Dani]

Yes I definitely felt this way after break. I hadn't seen her in two weeks and today I just couldn't bring myself to talk at all during our session. I felt so disconnected and like I didn't even want to be there. I go back in two weeks so hopefully things will be better and I'll be able to talk.

[Melbadaze]

kacey you described it well...I go back tomorrow after the long reak and quite frankly I feel so angry I don't know how I'm gonna walk in her door...the pain of wanting to punch her lights out and loving her are on a collison cause...but what is the anger about???

((((((((((((((kacey)))))))))))))))))

Good work