[Confused_1982]

This is the last thing I wrote to T yesterday. Well, technically he's not actually my T right now coz I told him I couldnt afford to come any more...which is why I'm worried he won't respond. I know its Xmas, and I know he's off until 4 Jan, but do you think he'll respond given that I'm not his patient right now? This is causing me a great deal of anxiety The thing is now all I want is to talk to him and clear things up

Hi T

I know you’ll probably ignore this- too many emails. I know it’s me that can’t come to therapy and that you haven’t discharged me, but I have to let you know how hurt I feel that you’ve left me out to dry. I just hoped that you had told the truth when you said “I am sorry you can’t come any more” and that you might have suggested that I come less often or something. Anything to make me feel that you really do want to help and that the problem could be worked around.

I’m so annoyed with myself for sticking with you for so long and for letting you make me think I could trust you. I knew you would hurt me and that there was a reason I couldn’t trust you properly. You couldn’t care less – you are no different from everyone else. I really was just part of your job, just another number through your doors. But this is my life. All those times you said it was in my head, and I tried to believe you. You let me tell you things that I’ve never spoken about and make myself vulnerable and now I’m in a worse position than ever. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to believe that you cared and that all my doubts were not real, that they were just in my head.

I’m sorry if this is rude and that is long, but I am SO hurt I can’t deal with it. I need you to know how much you meant/mean to me and how now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t think you ever quite understood that. I don’t know how I am ever going to get over this.

I'm so pathetic and desperate that I would put up with all the pain I feel between sessions if you’d have said something to let me know that we could work something out and that it would still be worth it. That’s all I wanted. That's what I hoped you would understand.

Confused

[WePow]

(((((((Confused)))))))))) I am sorry you are so hurt.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry, confused. It's an excellent email and I hope your T responds, but due to the holidays, you may have to wait. I think you need closure on your therapy with him, and I hope you can manage to do that. I'm really sorry that you feel so bad. It's understandable because it seems like T was curt and unhelpful when you asked if you and he could work something out.

[iGottaBme]

I am sorry that you are in this position. Did you ask your T if there is any way that you could work something out or if you could see him less frequently when you are in a position to pay? Many therapists will not offer such arrangements unless the client asks. My therapist would not offer because he would not want to put pressure on me to come in if I could not pay. He would leave it completely up to me to ask for a payment arrangement or fee reduction. You may want to ask your T in an email if you could work something out with him.

It is fine to let your T know that you are suffering and ask for clarification. However I wouldn't assume that he never cared or is rejecting you or that he intentionally wanted to hurt you because he did say that he is not discharging you.

I wouldn't read too much into it if your T does not respond to your email until January. He may not read emails from any of his clients during the holiday break. Hugs to you until he responds.

[Tiberius]

Confused, unfortunately your therapist probably doesn't care about your feelings. He's just doing his job.

I feel badly for you.

[zooropa]

ouch. I'm really sorry, I can imagine the abandonment I would feel in your position.

Tiberius, if you are saying that Ts can care about our feelings AND do their job, I would have to disagree. Certainly not every T cares about every client's feelings, as there are good and bad Ts just like there are in every profession. A good T can and does care about the client's feelings. My T told me that she cares a great deal about me. I don't know if I could really trust her if I didn't feel that.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Confused )))))))))))))))

[iGottaBme]

Originally Posted by Tiberius

Confused, unfortunately your therapist probably doesn't care about your feelings. He's just doing his job.

I feel badly for you.

Tiberius, the only way for Confused to find out whether her T cares about her feelings is to ask. Part of the job of a therapist is to care about how his client is feeling. Just because her T did not respond in a way that made her feel cared for does not mean that he does not care. This seems to be a communication problem rather than a lack of caring.

Confused's T did drop the ball by not asking Confused if she intends to return to therapy with him if her financial circumstances change. He should have made a referral to other therapists who accept a sliding scale, etc.

I hope that Confused is able to work something out with her T when he returns. In the meantime (((hugs))).

[ladyjrnlist]

If a T doesn't care about feelings, he/she should not be a T.

Originally Posted by Confused_1982

I would put up with all the pain I feel between sessions if you’d have said something to let me know that we could work something out and that it would still be worth it. That’s all I wanted. That's what I hoped you would understand.

(((((((((((Confused)))))))))))))

You actually did a GREAT job here of being really clear with T about what you need. Good for you.

Try to remember that even though T didn't give you the response you wanted, it doesn't mean that he doesn't care.

Do you and T have any kind of e-mail "guidelines"? My T only responds if I specifically ask him to reply. If you don't hear back from T, will you contact him again when his break is over?

I'm sorry it hurts so much

[Confused_1982]

Thanks everyone for your responses

Originally Posted by iGottaBme

Did you ask your T if there is any way that you could work something out or if you could see him less frequently when you are in a position to pay? Many therapists will not offer such arrangements unless the client asks. My therapist would not offer because he would not want to put pressure on me to come in if I could not pay. He would leave it completely up to me to ask for a payment arrangement or fee reduction. You may want to ask your T in an email if you could work something out with him.

iGottabme- Yes I did ask him in an email before this one. He said he does not offer sliding scale. That was it! That is why I feel so hurt. My first email to him said I couldn’t afford to come any more and he said he was sorry about that but if he could help in the future to contact him. That’s why I sent this email because I felt he didn’t offer me any alternative, even another practice where fees are cheaper. That’s part of the reason why I feel he doesn’t care, and why I need to clear things up.

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((((Confused)))))))))))))

Try to remember that even though T didn't give you the response you wanted, it doesn't mean that he doesn't care.

Do you and T have any kind of e-mail "guidelines"? My T only responds if I specifically ask him to reply. If you don't hear back from T, will you contact him again when his break is over?

Treehouse, my T is usually really good at replying (eventually) even if it's just, "I got your email, we can discuss this next time". The reason I think he won't respond is that I'm not his patient any more so because I'm not paying him may not choose to respond as it may take too much time for which he is getting no payment. I will contact him again next week if I don't hear from him because I do need to get this sorted out so I can move on one way or the other. I wish it was with him despite all of this (and a number of other miscommunications in the past), but if it can't be then I still need closure.

IDK, maybe this is a sign that I need a new T who won't continue to hurt me even if it is unintentional

[iGottaBme]

Hi Confused,

Do your T get back to you?