[REEG]

Packing the car for Xmas travel last night, and my father brought over a few things, including a letter from my aunt who was involved in CSA with me for many years. She had sent it to his house so I'd get it.
Tried to self soothen distract and sleep last night.but its still bad And I just called my T and left a message to call back. I don't know if she will, I saw her yesterday and will see her Monday. I'm feeling a real mess and just not doing well, need to get some perspective Don't want to overreact and have this ruin Xmas and don't want to shut down UGH

[WePow]

((((((Reeg))))) You have every right to be upset about that letter. I wish people who abused others just didn't exist. But that is my wish on them!

Try to remember that abusers still have to live with themselves and they SHOULD feel guilty for what they did. At least a little part of them that is human should. So they do anything they can do to make themselves feel better and not guilty. It stinks because they need to feel guilty. But they try to make contact with us and make us try to smile at them or show them that everything is wonderful. They want us to do that because it makes THEM feel better. URRR.

You deserve to have a good holiday. To heck with how she feels about things! She doesn't deserve your response or your energy. She took enough from you already. It is now your time to just be yourself and be honest. If you don't want to smile at her - don't do it. You know what she did and so does she. This is YOUR time to have some joy.

[Sunshine73]

(((REEG)))

[Omers]

Yuck! Why do these things always seem to happen at the worst times... then again I guess there is no "good" time. Stay strong and try to keep your holiday yours, and something you enjoy.

[Gus1234U]

yes, REEG, turn away the thoughts of her, distract yourself with all the good things in your life,, soothe yourself with counting all the ways you have recoved and maintained your space and all the kindnesses you have done for others~! i hope you can find your way past this rude insult, and have the holiday you deserve,, Best Wishes~~ Gus

[elliemay]

I'm sorry. Once again, abusers prove that they only and without exception think of themselves. Grrrr...

I would take that letter outside somewhere and burn it.

I would fix myself a wonderful mug of hot chocolate and drink it while I watched the smoke from that letter go up into the sky, taking all the badness with it.

Then burn a little white sage to purge even the air of that badness.

You owe your abuser nothing. You owe yourself everything, and that includes freedom.

You're bigger than her, you're stronger than her, you can love and hope and be happy.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

[REEG]

Thanks Wepow Sunshine Omers Gus and Elliemay. I have set a lot of limits over the past couple of years, moved from not answering the phone when she called, to not going in her house to not opening her mail. The letter addressed to me but sent to my Dad's address was a real shocker.
My T did call, and reminded me that my response was based on 'old stuff'. And that I had choices NOW. So I went from being in a pretty bad placeto calming myself down mostly by being mindful. My T was very helpful reminding me that it only feels worse cause I'm more aware, actually I'm doing a bit better. I'm 400 miles away from her now, and she will not be a part of this holiday. I sure appreciate the support!

[WePow]

((((((((((((Reeg))))))))))))))) Way to go!!! I am so happy that you are back to a good place :-)

[REEG]

Thanks, WePow. I'm getting ready to leave my sisters this am. It really helped to bring my own car so I could getaway. That mae it MUCH better too. I spent about 3 hours at a local taco place and enjoyed a snowshoe, just me and three dogs. Amazing how much better family gatherings go when I have an escape route!

[WePow]

Reeg, you said it!!! I learned twenty years ago that I would NOT be at a family event or anywhere else for that matter, without a WAY of getting away if I needed to do so!
Good for you doing what was healthy for yourself!!!

[REEG]

Well, it got kinda rocky again for a while. Had a lot of physical sensations that made things very difficult. I wasn't showering and not sleeping much. Snappy with the kids and just skating by @ work. Although I saw T on Monday, I called T and she was able to see me on Wed, right before the New Year. I was feeling VERY mixed about talking about dteails. T kept saying that not talking about things had a high likelihood that it would become unmanageable. So I talked a bit about the expeience, with the caveat that we would take a few minutes so I could leave in a calm way.
I calmed down some and with her help, came up with a plan. But my emotions and functioning were still up and down, even in that session. I tried to just shut down and not talk, when she asked what was going on, I told her I just needed to just sit there, and she asked if She could talk, before I knenw it, I was a mess again. I was able to say "this isn't how I wanted to leave'
She offered an appointment time fo Monday afternoon and Tuesday evening. When I told her I wasn't sure how work would be and if I could get away on Monday, she said she'd keep both appointments open. That really made me feel scared, like she was crossing a line or that I needed too much.
One of my worries is that I will go into just 'overprocessing' the CSA events and become uber dependent on this T, as happened in my 20's. I have discussed this with my T.

Anyhow, I think that Monday morning I will call and decline the 1pm appointment.
I was thinking about cancelling the Tuesday appointment too. I may regret that, si I'll hold off a bit. I made a list about the smiliarirtes/ differences between me dealing with this now @ 40, and me dealing with this in my early 20's. The similiarity list is about 2 items, the difference list is quite long. Still it feels like 'too much'. I wonder if I need a break, or maybe at least more rigidity from my T?

So when is it slowing down and when is it avoiding? I hear 'we will go at you pace' and then 'this needs to be talked about to get better' Sometimes I'm just not sure what my pace is and how I would ever figue it out...

[skeksi]

You've gone through a big trigger and considerable stressors in the last week. I wonder if it is important to remember that you can have an appointment with T that is not centered on processing; you could meet with her Monday and Tuesday just to re-establish your equilibrium and feel safe and secure again.

I could be off-base, but I wonder if declining the Monday appointment is a way to avoid facing how you are feeling and getting comfort for it? You didn't get that comfort as a child. It is scary to accept it as an adult, and the urge to push it away is strong.

Just a thought.

[REEG]

Skeksi- Right now, I feel I'm doing better. Kinda reaching steady state again. Maybe not so much avoidance of how I'm feeling, but wanting to stay even keeled, you know? I do expect Monday to be hectic. Good point about having a supportive session. Even the words make ny skin crawl a bit so maybe you had something about avoiding being comforted. Hmmm

[REEG]

Skeksi- I thought about your post again, and took the risk to take the appt with T today. Talked a lot about my fears, of being uber- dependent, and that was helpful. So we ended up cancelling the appt tomorrow but making one for Friday am.Thanks to you, and PC, for being a good sounding board!

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm glad that you saw T so you could connect in some way, especially while dealing with such a traumatic issue. It's hard to differentiate what's "old" when the feelings hit like a ton of bricks.

[REEG]

MUE- Thanks for the encouragement. This can be tough stuff. As my awareness grows and I set different boundaries, it sometimes seems that "smaller" things are getting to me. T says that is a step in the right direction, but it does NOT feel that way. So I am working on soothing and caring.Instead of 'powering through" and being unfeeling. Common for recovering from CSA but oh it feels isolating at times. Its a real stretch but in the right direction I think