[rainbow8]

I just wanted to ask her to print my email that caused the "problem" and bring it tomorrow because my printer isn't working. Instead, I couldn't help but write more. I said I felt like I'm back at square one with my "pattern" and that she took something away from me too soon. Not the emailing, but the pushing me to be the one to take care of myself, and making her less important. It's too soon, and I wrote that it feels like 1000 arrows piercing my heart. I said she would probably soon stop letting me hold her hand. I then said I was angry, but I know that our relationship isn't at square one and that we would work it out. I also said that I know it's transference, and the pattern is preventing my happiness.

I told her not to email back because I already broke her new rules and that I hoped that tomorrow something good would come out of all of this mess.

I don't care what she thinks of my email. I wish it were tomorrow already though I'm dreading facing her. I feel like I've lost hope, that I'm at the lowest point. I don't want my "pattern" to continue but the part that does is stuck with the wanting T that way. Techniques to change me aren't what I need. I think I may just need to grieve the loss. I so wish I could cry with my T and grieve in the session for what she can't give me.

Despite being sad now, I feel a little different. Like maybe, I've sunk so low that the only way is up. It's a small glimmer of hope that my T will understand and help me, and that using IFS and EMDR will be healing.

[Kacey2]

Hey Rainbow.
It is ok to let t know you are angry at her rule changes. I am glad that you were able to do that. I completely understand you when you say that you are feeling pushed when you are not ready. That is definately something that makes me dig my heals in.

There is something refreshing when we can say "I don't care what t thinks or I don't care if I anger t." In a way that is definately progress to be able to stand in your own identity and be strong enough to take or illicit negative feelings in others. I myself just say 'I am spreading the love' and sharing my anger with t at times.

You managed to capture your ambilivance very well when you stated dreading facing her and not being able to wait until tomorrow. This may be one of the most difficult thing in t, sitting with the ambivilance. I hope you go nowhere but up and up. Being in the low is sooooo difficult. Sometimes when we sit in the low for too long the depression shifts to I have to do something, ANYTHING to take this feeling away.

Keep posting til you get through tomorrow. I did and it helped. Peace Rainbow Dear.

[granite1]

i'm so sorry rain i only got hugs right now but i do care a bunch

[SpiritRunner]

Rainbow, I wonder why you couldn't grieve in the session with your T for what she can't give you?! Maybe if something like that could happen, in some form, it would help heal you and help heal this part of the pattern.
I can't say I've really grieved in session with my T over this - but we have openly discussed the fact that I know she can't and won't give me all that I need...and as I told her, I know that nobody can really give me all that I need, so why ask or expect her to?! I don't. But I think the fact that we were able to talk about it, while it doesn't take away the part of me that wishes she (or someone) could provide the full depth of the need in me, has given me a sense of acceptance, peace and healing with it. It's an odd sort of loss - a loss of something I didn't even ever have and never could anyway.....but she at least can give me the comfort of her understanding and validation of the feeling and that it is something worthy of grieving for, in a sense. And then it has made me feel freer to just focus on what she can and does give - because really, she's exceeded any expectations I could have had.
I hope your session goes well!

[rainbow8]

Kacey, thanks. I didn't go anywhere today. I just want to hibernate until tomorrow. I don't know if I'm depressed or resigned. My T won't like it if I think she can't help me because she's so upbeat and positive that she can. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

granite, I know you care.

poetgirl. I like what you say. My T and I have talked more about what she CAN give me than what she can't. Then she goes right into that I can give my parts what they need too. What we haven't talked much about is what she can't give me because I've usually felt satisfied. She wants my hurt, child parts to talk, so that involves grieving. I'm not good at feeling sad or crying with anyone else, not even my T. But I very much want to go in tomorrow with those feelings of knowing that she can't give me everything and feeling sad about it. We could use IFS and get to that part because then I close my eyes and I get more in touch with my feelings without holding back (except the tears never come).

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Kacey, thanks. I didn't go anywhere today. I just want to hibernate until tomorrow. I don't know if I'm depressed or resigned. My T won't like it if I think she can't help me because she's so upbeat and positive that she can. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

granite, I know you care.

poetgirl. I like what you say. My T and I have talked more about what she CAN give me than what she can't. Then she goes right into that I can give my parts what they need too. What we haven't talked much about is what she can't give me because I've usually felt satisfied. She wants my hurt, child parts to talk, so that involves grieving. I'm not good at feeling sad or crying with anyone else, not even my T. But I very much want to go in tomorrow with those feelings of knowing that she can't give me everything and feeling sad about it. We could use IFS and get to that part because then I close my eyes and I get more in touch with my feelings without holding back (except the tears never come).

I can't seem to cry either, with my husband or my T, or most anyone. I do get touched and feel teary often enough, but I just can't let go. I think if I could, it would be so very healing.....the irony of it all in therapy is that my T has had more tears than me for my feelings/pain/trauma (which is how she put it once) but anyway it touched me deeply that she would have tears for me.
I hope tomorrow your child parts can talk and grieve and you can have a healing session.

[chicken_wing]

Interestingly, I sent me T a impermissible email last night and towards the end, I wrote something like "I suppose I am breaking a rule by sending you this email but then my mother did always tell me that I am defiant."

I hope you and yout T come to an understanding and she gives some on her rule changes.

[WePow]

((((rainbow)))) It is NOT about you not trying hard enough :-( You are doing it - you are trying very hard. When T changes the rules, it causes serious problems because many of us come from abuse histories where the rules were always being changed on us for whatever reason! We never knew from one $#% day to the next just what exactly the rules were supposed to be! That is why many of us NEED to make sure those rules are clear at the start of therapy. We NEED to not have things change like that - things so important to us. Even when the change is in our best interest, those rule changes are very traumatic to us.

I figured out that was why my T even hinting at taking away email from me caused me to spiral so fast. I NEED 100% ability to trust that the rules of my T are not going to be altered.

Now I know that growth will bring new rules and such, but that has to take place at a safe rate - a VERY VERY VERY safe rate and way. And even then, I think damage can happen just because of the need for rules to not bounce around on us.

Of course I also think that a big part of trauma healing is the ability to shift as rules shift because they do shift in the real world. But it just has to be done the right way specific to trauma survivors. Because too often our abusers used very logical excuses to change the rules on us! That is my 2cents.

[WePow]

And PS - I sent what I just wrote to my T !!!!
If you want - feel free to email your T my words too !!! LOL

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Rainbow )))

I'm so glad you emailed your T and expressed the feelings that you're having. I hope tomorrow gets here fast for you....(( HUGS ))

Why does she not want you to email anymore? Does she allow you to send her any?

[rainbow8]

Squiggle, my T never said I couldn't email anymore. For the 10 months I've been seeing her she's allowed email and she has always emailed me back, even if I wrote more than once. I rarely did. But about a month ago I emailed her 4 times in one week, I think. She told me that was too much, and wasn't helping me. So, we decided I'd go back to just one email and one response.

That's fine, except last Thursday when she answered me I got triggered by her incomplete response, and emailed her back that she didn't care about me. She emailed back again and said "that's why email is bad and we'll discuss this in person."

She's never been too happy about responding to emails because she thinks there's too much misinterpretation that can happen like what just did happen. She's probably right. I think she'll still let me email, but maybe she won't respond. She's doing it FOR me. I will have to discuss it tomorrow.

[granite1]

i hope this discussion will go ok tomorrow.will be thinking of you pleas let us know how it went

[sugahorse1]

Thinking of you Rainbow...
I too have broken the 'no email' rule before. I know it's a last resort. At least you are able to let T know how you are hurting and it gives you a start to discuss this in your next session.
Well done for being strong enough to feel your emotions and share them!

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't want my "pattern" to continue but the part that does is stuck with the wanting T that way.

Do you think maybe part of the "pattern" is worrying about the "pattern"? I know for me I seem to get to this point in every relationship where I know I care about the person... and then inevitably begin the self-destruct sequence. I worry that I'm doing something wrong which leads to me thinking about all of the things I'm doing or might be doing wrong...and eventually I end up doing those very things! Now I am better able to stop myself in the new awareness I've attained. Just something to consider...

Do you cry about your feelings away from T? Cry in front of loved ones? I can't help feeling it might be very cathartic for you to release those emotions, but it does require letting go of your fear of judgment.

I hope your session goes well!

[Fartraveler]

I hope the session goes well, too, Rainbow.

-Far

[rainbow8]

WePow, thanks for your heartfelt post about Ts changing the rules. I don't remember rules being changed in my past, but I still feel a sense of insecurity when I don't know what to expect, and I hate changes.

Brightheart, I'm not worrying about my "pattern"; I just feel like it's my shadow and I can't get rid of it. It bothers me that this happens with T after T, almost like I don't care about the T--they are interchangable! It's not a worry, but a sick reality, in my opinion.

I cry when I'm by myself. I can count on one hand the times I cried with any of my loved ones, including my H. I didn't cry at my mother's funeral. I cry during emotional movies and when reading books. My former T said that I don't have to cry for therapy to be effective, but I know it would be cathartic for me. I can't let go that way.

5 hours until my session. I have somewhere to go in 2 hours, though. I'll be out all of the house until after the session.

I am anxious and worried it won't help. Not good to be pessimistic. I don't want to spend the time about the email problem because the content is more important to me. There's also an insurance issue and money problems that could take up time. She said we were going to do meditation and I want to do that too. I've got to be positive that I will focus on the feelings that bother me and not get sidetracked.

[Brightheart]

Try not to put too much pressure on it, Rainbow. I know that can be very challenging! Just be and let it happen. Again, easier said than done...

I'm so sorry you have trouble letting go in front of loved ones. You deserve that comfort. It might be something to bring up in the future with T.

Take care today, Rainbow.

[with or without you]

Ugh, I can't cry in therapy either. I wish I could

[granite1]

just peeking to see if it went ok