Feeling hopeless. Should I ask for hospitalization?

Or at some point it is going to experience the greatest joy ever imagined.

I know that isn't super helpful

What can you do for yourself that would not require any risk and would not result in getting hurt? You know yourself and your heart better than anyone. You matter enough to take care of yourself

I don't have much wisdom to offer you, I will leave that to others; only these and some prayers.

CW - I ABSOLUTELY believe this, even when it is hardest to believe; I don't know how old you are, but I am 59 and have seen it again and again and again in my life. Please don't sell short the designs of divine Providence.
SAWE

Thanks SAWE.

My pdoc just called and woke me up from a dissociative slumber. She is very concerned but i think I have convinced her I don't have plans to kill myself, despite wanting to die. I am going to see her tomorrow evening. Here's hoping for a magic happy pill.

adding my hugs and also that I absolutely believe what SAWE just said too, not to sell short the designs of divine providence. after the dark times in my life, I have seen the golden threads much clearer.

(((((((((((((((chicken wing))))))))))))))

I know SO WELL the fear of never ever being able to really heal. That used to be a huge fear of mine - that I had opened this stuff up, and that there was no way things were ever going to be okay again.

There was a point a couple of years ago when T wanted to hospitalize me, and I was way, way scared to go. And I was way, way scared not to go. It was a Friday afternoon. I didn't know what to do. I promised him I would stay safe. T asked if he could call my H and my best friend and I said no.

So, the weekend came, and I was really, REALLY on my own. The idea of going to the hospital was so appealing in so many ways...I would be safe, I would get a break from trying to cope out in the real world, I could rest, maybe there would be people there to take care of me. It was this HORRIBLE weekend.

Sunday night, I told my H I was going to the bookstore, and I drove to the hospital, which is about 30 minutes away. I sat in the parking lot - there were lots of trees and flowers and green places - and I prayed. I just didn't know what to do...walk in and say I was ready to be admitted? Go home?

I suddenly felt the distance between me and my life. I realized that as hard as things were, I didn't want to be away from my life - from my boys, from my home, from just the day-to-dayness of it...despite how much it sucked right then. I drove home, climbed into bed, and watched a movie with my boys.

The next week, we went on a hike at a waterfall. We were maybe an hour north of my house, and it was fall, and the leaves were changing. There I was, under the big, big sky, in the fresh air, in this amazing setting, free and able to take it all in. I stood there and looked at the water and thought about the fact that I would have missed that in the four walls of the hospital.

It was a little turning point for me. Not a huge epiphany or anything. Just a quiet knowledge that my life is out HERE somewhere, and that if I can just quiet down inside enough, I can notice the little moments of grace that find me.

So. That's my hospital story.

Last winter, I REALLY crashed. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't find happiness, grace totally eluded me. I started to think I was sick and I went to the doctor. When all of my medical tests came back okay, we tried wellbutrin, and it added the color back to my life and got me out of bed. I had never experienced depression before, and wow, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm guessing you and pdoc are probably on top of that, but I wanted to throw it out there.

You need to do what you need to do to stay safe, for sure. But if you are safe, can you find ways to look for little moments of grace in the middle of all of the crap you're going through? Like petting your cat, or the air outside, or your favorite song coming on, your e-mail from T, or a phone call with a friend? Little things add up, and even though it doesn't fix it, sometimes it can make it more bearable, at least until you can see T and get the real support that you are craving.

And, in the meantime, we're here too

I'm glad you got an appointment to see your pdoc. I hope that it helps, and maybe they can add some perspective and see if they think you'd benefit from hospitalization? I'd go with that idea first, then decide after that if you want to go to the hospital or not. Everyone needs a break sometimes, if you think it might help you -- I'd go for it. But that's just me. (I also don't MIND hospitals as much as some people, but I've never been hospitalized for mental health stuff yet)

stay safe.

I just want to give you some hugs and the thought that each day is a new one and can be better than the day before.

thanks all. it feels scary thinking about hospitalization as well as staying out on my own. i am failing on my own. but i dont want to go to a hospital involuntarily and i do fear a little that my pdoc will force me to one at my appointment.

i know they have liability to consider but i wish they could just understand that wanting to die doesn't necessarily mean i will do something to bring about my death! ugh! ive wanted to die off and on for the past 20 years but i am still (unfortunately) here. i always kind of hope that lightning will strike me or a semitruck will hit me. :shrug:

I'm sorry CW - sounds like you are in a really bad place.
I would go to the pdoc app and be honest and open. If she thinks the safest place is the hospital, admit yourself voluntarily. It's a relaxing environment and allows you some time out. You have no responsibilities while you are there. And your T will be back on Monday. The hospital can try you on various meds too.

Try remember the positive parts of your life - what made you happy? Can you relive those moments, experience them again? Set yourself goals: daily, weekly, monthly, yearly and further down the line.
Tick them off as you achieve them. It will give you something to focus on and some purpose.

I won't be going to the hospital.

I met with my pdoc for the third time this week today. She asked me general questions about myself and I told her how I was feeling. I do like her a lot, which is abnormal for me because it usually takes me a while for trust someone.

Interestingly, she said that she has been my transitional object while my T has been on vacation. She said that as my transitional object she replaced my T for this past week. I looked at her curiously and said "Maybe." Then she said that we have grown close this past week--mentioning our three sessions this weel alone--and asked me what's going to happen with our relationship when my T returns on Monday. At this point I was confused and told her I hadn't thought about it. Frankly, I thought to myself that we weren't close. She wants to see me next week and we have scheduled an appointment for Tuesday, the day after I see my T. I wondered if maybe my pdoc was suggesting that that she be my therapist instead of my current T. But then that wouldn't make sense, right? My pdoc wouldn't try to poach me, right? Plus, my pdoc is aware of my profound love and respect my current T, and I have three sessions a week with my current T. I think I may ask her for clarification on Tuesday.