I saw T again today and we talked about the numbing out that happened for me last session.

We talked about the flight response I learned as a kid and she said she believes we all have parts, and last week my child part was coming out and did not feel safe and her freeze response was overriding my adult, higher-reasoning part that knew intellectually that I am safe now.

She talked about wanting to give that child part space and giving her the compassion she deserves.

I get what she's saying, I think, about having parts. She's not saying I'm DID or anything...she said we all have parts. But she wants to give the parts space and a voice, and that confuses me.

For those of you who work with parts in therapy, what does that mean? How do you give different parts space and a voice? What does that look like?

Like, do you walk in the room and say "I want my child part to talk today?" Or does that part just emerge as you are talking?

She said she also wants me to get in touch with what my parts need and she will help meet those needs. That sounds nice, but how do I do that??

[Sannah]

When a person gets a childhood incident triggered up and all the fear and other feelings emerge, this person is experiencing the child part.

Preferably, when we are going through life, we should have the opportunity to work through our feelings and any incidents that happen to us. This processing would allow us to stay integrated and whole. Well, of course this didn't happen to all of us here. Things happened to us and we didn't get the opportunity to process it so we kept all the feelings inside and we didn't get the chance to understand it either. When this happens our emotional development gets split off. The child cannot continue to develop emotionally on a continuum. It's like there is a block so you jump around it and start over again. When you go through therapy and talk about each of these incidents that are blocked and you release the feelings you remove the blockage and this part can join the whole.

I had a child part who wasn't emotionally developed and then I had the adult me who did the adult things in life. As I healed this inner child emotionally matured so now I am probably almost at my real age emotionally. (Through most of my days but sometimes I still get triggered and a small area that needs more maturing peaks out).

[skeksi]

The way my T and I talk about it doesn't involve naming, exactly. When I get triggered, I might say something like, "part of me is scared I'm in trouble, but another part of me knows I'm safe and you aren't mad." T will say, "the part that thinks you're in trouble, what's that feel like? And the part that knows you're not, what's that feel like?" So I get sort of a dialogue going to understand both perspectives.

It has helped me so that when I get triggered at home, I can do the same thing and soothe myself (somewhat).

[Ellexa]

Originally Posted by griffinp

For those of you who work with parts in therapy, what does that mean? How do you give different parts space and a voice? What does that look like?

Like, do you walk in the room and say "I want my child part to talk today?" Or does that part just emerge as you are talking?

She said she also wants me to get in touch with what my parts need and she will help meet those needs. That sounds nice, but how do I do that??

I work with parts a lot. I have names for them, and I also have dolls that represent them (I have 4). I see them as clusters of needs but I find it easier to call them by name than by their description. It helps me to deal with contradicting needs and strategies that I have, and also to develop an adult, caring part that oversees them all.

Sometimes I think parts are pieces of soul that were abandoned after trauma. Let's say someone suffers neglect and rejection, and decides that he or she will never allow any more attachments in their life so that they won't suffer the pain of rejection ever again. So they abandon, suppress the part of the psyche that craves attachment. That part becomes disconnected from the rest of the "system", lives in hiding but can hijack the whole "system" when in stress. The goal, I guess, is to return that part home, so to say - to understand it, to bring in back and integrate it.

So naming it, feeling it, communicating with it really helps but it takes some practice and patience. Those abandoned parts have sad and painful stories, they often live in fear and shame.

This article has an interesting view on parts and where they come from:

The Wounded Self

The wounded self is the part of us that carries most of the shame, fear and despair that were generated at the time(s) of the trauma we experienced. Children have a very limited perspective on events in their lives and most often interpret any negative experience as their fault and as evidence that there is something wrong with them.

Because we are talking about trauma that occured in childhood, we often experience this wounded part of ourselves as a child self. This part of us will usually have the mindset of a child about the age we were when we were traumatized. So this part of us may be three years old or thirteen years old. Or, if we experienced ongoing abuse or trauma, we may experience this part of us as being at different ages and stages of development.

Before we begin our recovery journey, and early on in this journey, this part of ourselves may be in hiding most of the time. Because we have unknowingly pushed away from the pain we once experienced and from its impact on our lives, this part of us has been pushed into hiding. The problem is, of course, that even though this part exists outside our awareness, it has a great deal of power in our lives. In fact, because it exists outside our awareness, it has greater power than it would if we were more aware of its presence.

This is the part of us that is insecure and reactive. This part of us usually believes terrible things like, I am bad, I am ugly, I am stupid, I am worthless, I deserve what I got, no one can possibly love me. Often, no matter how hard we try to earn love and value, this part of us carries a deep intractable fear that we are beyond help or hope and beyond love.

Whatever happens to a child influences the child’s sense of self. If a child loses a parent to mental illness, drugs, divorce or death, the child may feel both responsible for the loss and deserving of abandonment. If a child routinely experiences verbal abuse or physical abuse, the child will feel little sense of value. If something as obscene as sexual abuse happens to a child, that child will feel obscene, or in a child’s language, ugly and dirty.

In addition, children who are traumatized may suffer not only from demeaning, violating words and actions, but also from a lack of nuture, support, love and care. In fact, many kids who are abused or traumatized suffer as much or more from the neglect and the lack of love as from the trauma itself. So this wounded part of us is hurt, frightened, ashamed, wanting to hide and starving for love.

[rainbow8]

griffin: My T talks about parts a lot because that's what the model, Internal Family Systems, is all about. Did your T ever mention that she's doing IFS or using that model?

She has me close my eyes and then see what part feels like it needs attention. If there are parts that are interfering, she'll ask me to toss those aside. Like if the child part wants to talk about feeling safe, and wants T to hold her hand, but the adult part thinks it's embarrassing, she'll either want to talk about the adult part's feelings, or ask if I can put that part aside for now and just talk about what the child part wants.

She will ask what that part is feeling, how I feel toward that part (I am supposed to always feel compassion towards it), and if that part knows I'm there. Then she asks what that part needs from me.

So, that's the way my therapy deals with parts using the IFS model.

[chicken_wing]

This is all rather fascinating. I think my child part is 80% of who I am. She is a despairing, confused, and angry kid. I wish my T used this methodology.

[SpiritRunner]

I didn't know much about 'child parts' or models of therapy to deal with them either....but I'm beginning to have some insights reading threads like this and posts like rainbow's. Hmmm, I think I'm still stuck in a teenage emotional time-warp, since my family life was horribly dysfunctional then; the odd coping mechanisms and behavior patterns I still have date from then, I'm quite sure....

[sunrise]

My T and I have done ego state therapy, which involves working with different ego states or parts that one has. Some of them are younger versions of me and they each carry some unresolved pain from events that happened to them that they couldn't handle back then. I have a couple of little girl ego states of different ages that we've worked with, as well as a teen/young adult ego state. The younger states sometimes have memories that I do not. I also have an ego state that is a young adult male and his personality is not anything like mine. He says his role is to protect me and my younger states. T and I worked with him quite a bit a couple of years ago. He knows things I don't know and he also interacts with the younger ego states, especially the teen, and I am not aware of this. I realized I am not "included" in everything that goes on with me.

My T works with these states by doing what is basically family therapy. But instead of working with the dysfunctional members of a family to try to get them to work together and live in harmony, he works with the family of my selfs or states, and uses family therapy techniques. We don't do much ego state therapy anymore, as we all seem to be getting along pretty well right now, but it was very helpful to me in the past. My T doesn't help meet the younger states' needs--he has focused on helping me learn to meet their needs. I am the one who knows them best so I can help them best.

Originally Posted by griffinp

How do you give different parts space and a voice? What does that look like? Like, do you walk in the room and say "I want my child part to talk today?" Or does that part just emerge as you are talking?

Mine come out when they want to. Sometimes they appear in dreams. I found a way to trigger the male so I could get him to come out when I wanted, but I hated doing this, as it upset him. A younger me ego state might come out if we are working on material from the era of that state. Or a present day feeling might remind me of something back then, and then voila, there is a different state. It helps that T gives them space to exist. He says he watches me during session for any rough spots or bumps, which may signify the flitting in of a different state. And he might follow up on that clue. I have also activated states by writing. Sometimes they write stuff on paper and it is not coming from me. I feel strange when I read it--who wrote that?!

GriffinP, have you asked your T how she likes to work with one's different parts? In her experience, what helps them put in an appearance?

Wow. This is all really insightful. Thanks for responding everyone.

Sunrise, what you describe is fascinating. I don't think my T is suggesting ego state work like you describe. My "parts" don't feel as distinct or disconnected from me as you describe, but maybe they will feel more distinct the more I pay attention to them?

Ellexa, the Wounded Self article makes so much sense to me. Thank you.

I guess I just always associated "parts" with DID. So I didn't understand how I can have parts since I'm not DID....but I understand more now I think.

[Christina86]

Mind if I chime in?

griffinp, I totally understand how you could understand "parts" as being an aspect of DID. Honestly, I felt the same way in the beginning and told my T - I have a lot of issues, but I don't think I've got DID. (At that point I think she probably realized there was a miscommunication )

I'm just beginning this "parts" stuff in therapy. Started two sessions ago actually... basically it's like emotional states. For me, I've got a child (about 7ish) and a teenager (about 13ish) and then just me. I always say that the child cries too much and is far too sad and lonely, the teenager is really hurt, abused and mad and then me... well I'm the "adult" so I try to be rational (which fails, more often than not).

I can't really distinguish them. Only after a visualization exercise and my T asking me how old I *felt* did I begin to distinguish between these different aspects of myself. And actually, it makes a lot of sense to me now, considering what I've been through and the events that are tied to those ages.

All I know is that when I feel like a kid, I can't look at T, I feel scared and really small. Then when I feel like a teenager, I feel hostile and agitated and just way too emotionally volatile. Then me, I try to be unemotional and rational (which fails, since I'm realizing I stuffed the emotional stuff down inside which is why I'm having difficulty with this "parts" stuff now)

The child is stuck wanting love and to feel safe and now alone or abandoned, the teenager wants to be left alone but wants people to know she's suffering and angry and sad, and once again me -- well, I admit I ignore the two of them more often than not. Or at least I realize that now

I really like the "Wounded Self" article below actually.

[sugahorse1]

I can feel I have different parts. I've never decided which ones are child or adolescent, or adult, but they think differently. It hasn't come up in therapy as such yet

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by griffinp

I saw T again today and we talked about the numbing out that happened for me last session.

We talked about the flight response I learned as a kid and she said she believes we all have parts, and last week my child part was coming out and did not feel safe and her freeze response was overriding my adult, higher-reasoning part that knew intellectually that I am safe now.

She talked about wanting to give that child part space and giving her the compassion she deserves.

I get what she's saying, I think, about having parts. She's not saying I'm DID or anything...she said we all have parts. But she wants to give the parts space and a voice, and that confuses me.

For those of you who work with parts in therapy, what does that mean? How do you give different parts space and a voice? What does that look like?

Like, do you walk in the room and say "I want my child part to talk today?" Or does that part just emerge as you are talking?

She said she also wants me to get in touch with what my parts need and she will help meet those needs. That sounds nice, but how do I do that??

the words "having parts" means different things to different people depending on diagnosis and therapy techniques being used.

to some therapists and people in therapy "parts" is a word that means the person has alternate personalities.

to others "parts" means a type of therapy technique that describes how the clients feel and which feeling is dominate at the moment the parent feeling, the adult feeling or the child feeling.

to others "parts" means ego states which is similar to but different than alternate personalities.

and other treatment providers use the term "parts" interchangeably with the word "Roles" which is how a person acts naturally different in different settings.

By your wording of your post I can take a guess that your treatment provider may have been talking in terms of a therapy technique/terminology to describe the therapist's perception of you at that moment so that you could better understand what happened during that session.

if this is the case the book - Parent, Adult Child by Eric Berne - may help you to understand what your therapist was talking about.

Only your treatment provider can tell you definitively what they meant by that term. so my suggestion is contact your therapist and ask them what they meant.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by griffinp

I guess I just always associated "parts" with DID. So I didn't understand how I can have parts since I'm not DID....but I understand more now I think.

Me too. I had no idea. Later I read up on ego states and it helped me understand we all have them. They can just be different states with different memories or from a different era or with a particular expertise. My T told me he had a client who had an ego state who was outstanding at stocks and investing. (Hey, I want one of those!) I see myself as a collection of states, like a room full of 100 people (or 100 selves)--all different ages and appearances. Most of them are rather indistinct and "grayed out"--they are very much "me" and don't manifest as separate. But a few are more prominent and separate and stand out from the crowd--these are the ones who aren't as integrated with me. I was very much disturbed when I discovered the "non-me" male and was scared to tell my T because he would think I was not sane. But he reassured me it is normal and in fact is quite common to have a "protector" state. I do not have ego states who "take over" or that I "lose time" to, like in DID. Basically, I discovered that the psyche is a fascinating place and I try not to feel shame for creative ways my brain had of dealing with traumatic experiences.

Good luck to you griffin in this new direction in therapy.