[rainbow8]

In spite of the post session blues hitting already, my session was pretty good. In spite of the email situation, even. My T said to think of it as her caring MORE about me because she sees how I'm triggered by her responses. I said that rarely happens, but she said "when it does, it's very hard for you". I said it's devastating. She says her job is to make things better for me, not for me to be feeling worse by emails. I said in the beginning it was the best thing about therapy for me, and she said we didn't know each other too well then. So, I can email her but she won't email back. Well, knowing she's make this boundary for ME, not for her, helps somewhat. I'll see how it goes. She said she will always read my emails.

We started doing IFS about the adult part who wanted to connect with her but I started talking about something else. My eyes were still closed and she asked me to open them! She said we were meandering and that was okay, that since we were now having a conversation she wanted us to look at each other.

I liked the "meandering". I had to ask if what she's doing is going to help me with my "pattern". She said yes, that's what she is trying to do, to get more people in my life besides her. I told her it was too soon to tell me all that she's been telling me about taking care of my parts, etc. She wanted to know what's helpful to me. This reminded of the reverse of what tree and her T did. She didn't care if it was really helpful, or just my fantasy of what is. I said emails! Then I said "the bears", when she says she likes me, which she did again today, when she gave me 1 1/2 hr. sessions, when she gives me more, makes me feel special, and more that I can't remember. It was freeing to tell her those things, and she thanked me.

She is going to look for a group for me since I told her how much I like PC. I mean a group in RL, though she agrees that PC is like group therapy.

At the end of the session she asked what could we do so I wouldn't leave feeling bad. I sort of hesitated and she asked if I wanted to hold her hand. I said I did, but the child parts weren't there, I was an adult in the session. That was all right with her, so she came and sat next to me and held my hand. We talked about religion, of all things. I wanted to ask about her beliefs and she told me.

I felt connected to her as an adult today. I didn't cry though I told her I wished I could in the beginning of the session. We also did breathing first, as a prelude to meditation. I'm not used to breathing out through my nose, but I did it. I said I'm open to doing EMDR next week!

I was proud of myself because I was honest and told her my feelings. She printed my email but didn't want me to look at at! She is very much into how she and I are reacting at the moment in therapy. I really like that though it's hard for me.

I've got to make dinner.

[WePow]

(((((Rainbow))))) Thanks a ton for sharing your session!!! That is so wonderful that you were able to make that connection today and get those things out there for yourself! Way to go!!!

[granite1]

it is so awsome when i hear stories like this thanks for sharing this

[rainbow8]

Not to detract from feeling good about my session, but.....

I know I'm going to email, so how do I deal with wanting the connection with her during the week? Will knowing she's reading what I wrote be enough? Can I hold onto the connected feelings without seeing her words? I miss her already.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Not to detract from feeling good about my session, but.....

I know I'm going to email, so how do I deal with wanting the connection with her during the week? Will knowing she's reading what I wrote be enough? Can I hold onto the connected feelings without seeing her words? I miss her already.

did she say she would respond to one

[Brightheart]

You can if you trust in the connection. Know that it is there even when you can't see it.

What is it that you are missing? Can you hold your bear and know that her caring is with you?

[rainbow8]

granite, no. My T will not respond to my emails. Like I posted, she says this is what leads to a bad situation for me. I tried to convince her it wasn't usually the case, but I have to admit I agree with her. We talked about how, if she doesn't answer what I want, in the way I want, I'm going to be disappointed. Plus, I'm always waiting for the response from her. It makes my whole week revolve around her. I know I post a lot about her here, but that's different. At least it's not involving HER directly.

She writes good emails; I'm going to miss them. I have 10 months worth in my drawer.

Brightheart, I don't know what I will be missing. Maybe...tangible proof that she's there and is thinking about me. In the session she asked if I was worried she'd forget me. I said no. I could try to hold my bear and think about how it was HER idea for us to get the bears after she read the article about them. How much she cares......

[rainbow8]

I had an insight! I know I have posteritis, the need to keep posting and posting about my session--maybe sessionitis? Anyway, the other times she held my hand it was the "child" part of me that wanted the connection. It was acceptable for me to do something so weird and juvenile, in my opinion, because it was "for the child". But today, my eyes were open and I was the adult rainbow wanting her to hold my hand so I could feel the connection. Oh, the "Rainbow Connection". lol. Isn't that a Sesame Street movie?! AND IT WAS OKAY! My T didn't have a problem with it or think it was weird. Neither did I. So, I don't have to be a baby or child with my T in order to hold her hand and feel the connection. I can be ME! I know it's still a weird concept to hold her hand but my T said everyone needs touching in their lives. The child part likes it too but today it was the adult who needed to be connected on an adult level with T.

[SpiritRunner]

Glad you had a good session and the adult part had such a nice connection with T! Can you just hold that really close in your mind? Sometimes I find myself thinking of a moment or two from my session that holds me over.....my T gives wonderful hugs at the end of session and I think of that if I happen to have a bad moment (actually this week I asked her for a voice message to listen to, as it was a bit of a tough week with a family situation....that was a great way to feel the connection when I needed to).
Knowing that T is reading your emails and thinking of you when she reads them could help you keep the connection too.
And you are so lucky to have a T who will do something like hold your hand....that's a pretty special connection! I have nothing to complain about in my T, but I do wish at times she'd do that....but that's where she has drawn very firm boundaries.

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My T didn't have a problem with it or think it was weird. Neither did I. So, I don't have to be a baby or child with my T in order to hold her hand and feel the connection. I can be ME! I know it's still a weird concept to hold her hand but my T said everyone needs touching in their lives. The child part likes it too but today it was the adult who needed to be connected on an adult level with T.

Don't forget the child part is you, Rainbow. Your T is right... all of us need touch, even the adult parts. Glad it was comforting.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

, I don't have to be a baby or child with my T in order to hold her hand and feel the connection. I can be ME!

I know this was worrisome to you Rainbow and I am SO GLAD that your insight can put it to rest for you. That's a real happy ending to something that was very big for you and was nagging at you too. Very good work.

[rainbow8]

I just sent my T a VERY long email. I like to write, so I did. I know she won't answer, and I'm glad because now I'm wondering what if there's a boundary about length of emails. I even wrote her to please not take this away too, at least for now. Do any of you write long emails to your T?

YES! I do write long emails. My T says that she is okay with that because she knows that is how I get my innermost feelings out. She prints them out and puts them in my file.

She also said that it helps her see what is really going on with me. So many times I clam up in therapy and don't really say what I want to say.

I do worry that she will take email away at some point. I am trying to limit how many I send her. I guess I send 2-3 per week right now. I am working on just sending one per week.

She assures me that I am not annoying her and stop worrying about how often I send an email. She does respond with feedback if I ask her to.

She did ask me if I was wanting her to address everything I talk about in the email. I told her that was not necessary. I highlight the parts I want her to give feedback on. This is working good for us right now.

I agree with you that if my T should take email away from me at this critical point in my therapy, I would be devastated!! She said I am the only one who sends email, so it is okay for me to do as much as I need to do.

[mightaswelllive]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

YES! I do write long emails. My T says that she is okay with that because she knows that is how I get my innermost feelings out. She prints them out and puts them in my file.

She also said that it helps her see what is really going on with me. So many times I clam up in therapy and don't really say what I want to say.

I do worry that she will take email away at some point. I am trying to limit how many I send her. I guess I send 2-3 per week right now. I am working on just sending one per week.

She assures me that I am not annoying her and stop worrying about how often I send an email. She does respond with feedback if I ask her to.

She did ask me if I was wanting her to address everything I talk about in the email. I told her that was not necessary. I highlight the parts I want her to give feedback on. This is working good for us right now.

I agree with you that if my T should take email away from me at this critical point in my therapy, I would be devastated!! She said I am the only one who sends email, so it is okay for me to do as much as I need to do.

samesies

[sittingatwatersedge]

My T doesn't accept emails, she says the only address she has is not secure and others might see what I'd write
but I would love to send emails if it were possible. I'm glad that's an option for you Rainbow

[SpiritRunner]

I have never asked my T about emails and she has never said....if she did do email, I absolutely know I would probably write at least one LONG one, because I love to write too and often get carried away with it! But I just journal during the week instead, because she wants me to do that.....and sometimes she has 6 pages to read, which fortunately she hasn't minded doing!

My t doesn't do emails. He much prefers to speech to me directly. I feel that is a good decision. All he needs is a bunch of misunderstandings to deal with. One on one solves so many problems with communication. Like poetgirl, my t would rather I call him or journal and share it with him in session. It's rare that I really have an urgent need to contact him between session anyway.

[WePow]

My T allows me to email but I already know that email can be read by others.
I told him that I accepted fully that risk. So he said I could do it. If someone is so bored with their own life that they want to pour over my venting, I feel bad for them! Heck, I have to pay my T to do that!!! LOL at myself!!! My T did tell me that at he would like to print them out and make a private book for me out of them since I sent him so much and it makes a story! :-)

I think with some types of healing, it can work to have that extra tool.
It forces us to come clean with our stuff.
We own it. We tell. And sending it to T tells us inside that it is important.
I think that all of those things are a HUGE part of what therapy is about!