[mixedup_emotions]

Sorry I haven't been around much the last few days. After being in total freak-out mode since my last session with T and the whole being two-faced thing....I went from being super super super sensitive and emotional to being basically numb. And I prefer that over feeling big big big feelings like that.

Anyway, T offered me a session last Saturday, and I turned it down because at that point, I was starting to feel numb and wasn't up to bringing up those emotions again.

I got a call from T's office yesterday that he had a death in the family, so group T was canceled...and that they would let me know about my session on Thursday and whether or not T will be back by then.

I feel awful that T had a death in the family, but I know that my T takes very good care of himself and has a great support system around him.

I am somewhat hoping that T cancels the session on Thursday...because I would hate to go back to feeling....and how scary those big feelings were is intimidating to me....when I know that T is going through his own stuff.

Since I KNOW that T is able to take care of himself, I believe that he would come back to work when he is fully able to be present and be MY T. Yet, I would feel selfish about making my session about me so soon after the death of a family member, kwim?

On another note, I am a bit curious to know why my T canceled group T when there's another T that is there and can run the session without him. He did it once before when T was sick....I guess I'm just wondering if T canceled it because he didn't want to not be there for the session, when last session was so hard and terrorizing for me....Maybe it has nothing at all to do with me and the other T couldn't make it either. But I am curious.

For some reason, ever since my major freak-out ordeal from last week, I have gone to a different place emotionally. More guarded, maybe? I usually spend a LOT of time thinking about therapy, revisiting the sessions in my mind, reading up on stuff, etc....but lately, I haven't been as compelled to do that. Maybe it's just because the big feelings totally freaked me out and I am in "shut down" mode....I don't know.

Anyway.....

[ECHOES]

(((mue))) Good to see you here.

It is so understandable that you feel a need to retreat to safety, to take a break from difficult feelings, to give yourself room and space to find your equilibrium again.

Since I KNOW that T is able to take care of himself, I believe that he would come back to work when he is fully able to be present and be MY T. Yet, I would feel selfish about making my session about me so soon after the death of a family member, kwim?

Yes, but I think the first session back might feel that way no matter when it is scheduled. I think it could feel that way for a minute or two, until you are reassured in person that he's fine and ready and willing to be there for you. Have you ever had a situation like that, where returning to work and to the people you enjoy being with, is something that feels soooo good and is healing in how it normalizes your life again? Maybe you could see scheduling an appointment and your returning as a gift to him in that way

[Perna]

My T had a death in her family and I got a call the day before the session we were supposed to resume, from someone else, to say she would be out another week. I didn't know who died and my imagination went haywire worrying about it and identifying with it (my mother died when I was a very young child, part of why I was in therapy).

Now, from 15 years later, I can see that it could have been an aunt, cousin, "minor" family member that would have been sad but not that devastating to her. My T's family was in another country and she could have just had travel problems or been tired from her travel, any number of things unrelated to the importance of the person to her and how she may/may not feel?

I might ask T why he cancelled group; I personally would imagine that it's like individual therapy and "running" group isn't the whole story; your T wants to be there and part of the process as that can't be "made up" when he gets back; he'd miss something vital/what happened in the week he wasn't there. The other T might have had a problem too, unknown to you, maybe had to take more individual clients because of T's absence (and thus would be "overworked") or maybe was wishing for a session/time away too and since T wasn't going to be there, having that time free was a help to other group T, etc.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I am somewhat hoping that T cancels the session on Thursday...because I would hate to go back to feeling....and how scary those big feelings were is intimidating to me....when I know that T is going through his own stuff.

Since I KNOW that T is able to take care of himself, I believe that he would come back to work when he is fully able to be present and be MY T.

Yet, I would feel selfish about making my session about me so soon after the death of a family member, kwim?

He can take care of himself. It isn't your job. If he determines that he can go back to work he will be ready to go back to work.

I think that it is fine that you aren't revisiting that issue until you rest a bit.