[Kacey2]

Wow, ok so I have been sitting with this for quite a while now. Somewhere in the mix of all the drama with my brother and his family my mom and I had a 5 minute conversation on the telephone and she said that my brother was doing what he was taught growing up. That we were abused and that definately has had it's consequences on us.

But then she said she hoped that we had good memories as well so we didn't dwell on the bad. That it is worse on us to think about all that and we should try to remember any good. (then I told her to f-off, that I waited a long.....time to tell her I was angry and that I wanted to be heard)

She only admitted physical abuse and did not say anything about the SA.

I didn't tell her that I don't really have any memories besides body memories and flashbacks before I was a teenager.

I did tell her it was hell and that I prayed everyday that I would not have to live there anymore.

It was a very brief conversation. All of that whipped into less than 5 min. I haven't processed it at all. I told t a couple of days ago and he wanted to know if it changed things a little. Well that kind of torched me off as well. Like a 5 min conversation and an admission of the abuse is going to change it. Yes, I have waited soooo long for validation (even if it was skimpy) from one of my parents. But it doesn't change my hurt, my pain, what I have turned out to be. I could have been a completely different person. Now I am just an icky borderline who's core is made up of hate, bitterness, and loneliness.

I had my own made up family in my head. Now after therapy that is all stripped away. My little happy "made up" family is gone. The family I created in my head and spent all my time with as a child was so wonderful. I had the best parents and siblings and we did super fun and loving things together.

I didn't understand what happened but my personality split sometime. My kid parts, my angry teenager, my young woman who was super smart and had it all together part, is all gone. I didn't have a clue that I had different parts (some may call alters) that came out at different times. My t saw it and brought it to my attention. My made up family siblings were actually taking over my body at times. I don't have that anymore, I don't do that anymore. My t has stripped it all away with his therapy. And what is left is an ugly empty core.

With all my make believe gone I am nothing. Nothing defines me.

One admission of abuse from my mother does not even come close to rectifying that. Boy this is heavy. Sorry to burden and thanks for anybody who listened.

[Kacey2]

I am feeling really vulnerable so read fast people because I will probably delete this in two minutes.

[SpiritRunner]

oh Kacey, I'm so sorry you endured/are enduring something so hard and awful as all that.

Originally Posted by Kacey2

Now I am just an icky borderline who's core is made up of hate, bitterness, and loneliness.....


I didn't understand what happened but my personality split sometime. My kid parts, my angry teenager, my young woman who was super smart and had it all together part, is all gone. I didn't have a clue that I had different parts (some may call alters) that came out at different times. My t saw it and brought it to my attention. My made up family siblings were actually taking over my body at times. I don't have that anymore, I don't do that anymore. My t has stripped it all away with his therapy. And what is left is an ugly empty core.

((((((((((((((kacey))))))))))))))

PLEASE don't say such mean things about yourself. You are not an "icky borderline", and I find it impossible to believe that your core is made up of hate and bitterness. You are truly one of my favorite people on PC. Your wisdom and caring and good heart shine through in your posts.

I, too, split into many fragments as a result of my childhood, and through working with T, I'm closer to coming together as one. It's hard to know who we are when we've always been so many different people, you know? But that is part of our work...to find ourselves, and meet ourselves, and love ourselves. It sounds impossible, right? But we are working so hard, and that tells me that we must have SOME faith that healing is possible.

Your conversation with your mom sounds like one of those transformational moments that is just HORRIBLE....BEYOND horrible...when it happens, but that will gradually settle in to some of the wounded places and help you start making sense of things. Maybe?

I'm sorry you're hurting. My heart hurts FOR you. It's not fair that you went through what you did, and that you are still suffering. The suffering won't last forever.

[ECHOES]

But then she said she hoped that we had good memories as well so we didn't dwell on the bad.

Kacey, you realize that this is about her, not about you? It is her guilt and inability to 'look at' the bad and fully acknowledge it. This is as close as she can get, bringing it out and acknowledging it, and then hurrying up and putting it away.

Kacey, I'm so sorry that you had such a terrible childhood. It's ok to feel that nothing can ever make that better. Especially not a five minute semi-acknowledgement from one of the people who should have helped you rather than hurt you. Echoes is right- that conversation was a further extension of her limitations.

I'm so very sorry that it feels like t has made it worse by stripping all the protection away.

We do not see you as you see yourself. The hate and the bitterness and the loneliness, those are feelings and they are real, but they are not you. It's ok not to know who you are yet. I hope that the next part of t's job is to build you back up into the person you want to be, and to help you recognise yourself.

So very sorry that you're hurting. Thinking of you.

[WePow]

(((((((((((Kacey)))))))))))) sending TONS of safe hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[granite1]

sounds kind of bitter sweet.you got the validation you wanted but i can see how it doesnt really change things but atleast you can start to say ok this did go on now lets start to sort it all out and let it go

[skeksi]

Kacey, I really relate. A few years ago I brought up my family to my mom and she sort of admitted that bad things happened, but she focused on how I seem fine now and she did the best she could.

She may have forgotten the conversation afterward, but it's burned into my head. I thought that her admitting it happened would somehow make things better, and I was SO mad that it didn't. In fact, it made things worse in a way, because I felt like she ought to be crying and apologizing and beating herself up, and she didn't do any of that.

You are having a lot of mixed feelings, and you feel sad and betrayed and hurt and angry. That's all good, in a way--you're *feeling*. And you can talk to your T about it and be heard and validated by someone who can give you that, in a way your mom is simply incapable of.

I'm glad your mom acknowledged it, but I'm sorry she didn't go further with the conversation.

[rainbow8]

Kacey,

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much and think such awful things about yourself, none of which are true. I know it's hard to imagine that you will feel better about yourself, but I think you will.

[sunrise]

You're not an icky borderline.

That sounds like a hard conversation, especially by phone, when you can't see the other person. Maybe it is a start.... I am glad you have your T who can try to help you make sense of it.

Originally Posted by Kacey2

My t has stripped it all away with his therapy. And what is left is an ugly empty core.

It is also your T's job to help you replace that with something. I hope you will share what you wrote with him. He has work yet to do.

((((((((Kacey)))))))))) know you are not alone, keep posting sending safe hugs

[Sannah]

Kacey, it sounds like you have done a lot of great work. Healing involves figuring out what is real and what is not and it sounds like you have accomplished a lot in this department. You have been doing the deconstruction, now it is time to do the construction. Childhood is for our development but when this goes wrong we need to continue on in adulthood.

It also sounds like you need to keep talking about your pain........

[Kacey2]

Hi Guys,
Thank you so much for your encouragement and care. Seski thanks for sharing your story and how you can relate. I know that I must face the past and not try to keep burying it so I can move on and have the life I want. The life worth living. I have to remember and grieve so I can lay it aside. It sometimes feels so huge and I have to remember that the pain is just a feeling and feelings come and go. I will not be consumed in pain forever.

Change is movement and movement is uncertain and painful at times and other times it is peaceful and clear.

Like Tree has posted t has been a special gift to me as well. Therapy has established some stability in me and has given me the dare to imagine another life. I know I am on my way.