[SpiritRunner]

The reality was better than my fears about it! It was a good, good session; we were able to clear the air about a misunderstanding last week, related to boundary/trust issues. I was able to really just tell her what my real feeling was about it - sometimes she has asked me if I'm frustrated with her, and usually, I was like, no, not really, because I didn't want her to see that I was! But today I said, yes! I was annoyed with you all week! And actually she loved it that I was able to tell her straight out what my real feeling was, what it was she had/said done that hurt, and even that I had journaled about what I thought was underneath it and what it triggered in me...
Guess it's hard for you all reading this to really get into what I'm talking about unless I just go ahead and say what this issue was.....but it has to do with her hug policy. She gives them, yes, at the end of session.....and the understanding we had from before was that she wouldn't offer them, but she wanted me to ask, because she wanted me to learn to ask for what I needed.....The last 3 weeks or so were awfully, awfully hard for me, with a major trigger, my parents visiting at New Year's time which piled on to the trigger, and brought out powerful SI compulsions....which I was honest with her about. It was so hard to be honest about them and be so raw and needy in front of her that I couldn't even fathom asking for a hug.....and I was actually so touched that she simply offered them anyway. A couple weeks ago, though, she asked me if I would like a hug and I said (had to open my big mouth ) why are you offering them when you said I should ask?! She said, when you're this fragile right now, I don't want to make you ask.....So last week, apparently my ? made an impression on her, because she abruptly says at the end of the session that 'even if you are fragile, I still want you to reach out and ask....' That stung! The inconsistency in what she had said, the tone, the timing.....that and the fact I wasn't happy with her tough stance on the SI/options/and feeling like she left me with the trigger......
So we discussed that....and she apologized, said that she hadn't meant at all to hurt me, and that I was right about the inconsistencies, and that she hadn't handled it well. So.....that helped a lot with that! We were able to re-define, re-establish where the boundaries are.....and establish that communication about boundaries/trust will be a lot more transparent in the future!
As far as my journaling, both about the boundary/trust stuff and about the SI compulsions and what situations trigger that, the anger/self-hatred and what's behind that, she thought it was 'brilliant', as she put it. She called it a breakthrough session.....I'd agree! It was so wonderful to see that it really was safe to put all those big big emotions and dark dark feelings, thoughts out there and just be met with validation, acceptance....
So, it was good....so good to feel re-connected and feel like the connection is stronger. And part of that is that she let me see that it was safe to confront her with something, with a negative emotion, and that she handled that better than so many others in my life have....
One thing she did that meant a lot to me....a while ago, she let me have something from her office, a touchstone with the word 'trust' on it. She said today, I'm just going to make that a gift to you; that's yours to keep now. It means a lot in part because I know this little rock is part of a set of rocks (with words like love, joy, peace on them) that she got when she went into private practice 15 years ago that were symbolic of what she wanted to be as a therapist....so it's something that has had special meaning to her and now she's giving it to me. And of course, it means to me a deeper cementing of the trust that's growing, that she's proving herself worthy of trust.....not that she won't make mistakes, but when she does, I can trust that she will admit it and correct the mistake. And I see that I can trust that it really is safe for all of me, all of my emotions, all of my thoughts to be seen....And I can see that she understands that my trust is a rare gift I'm giving her; she sees how hard it is for me and respects that.
So it was a productive session....and though it wasn't all so easy, I left feeling happier than I have for quite some time!
Oh me....I have let this get so long it'll be a wonder if anyone finished reading it!

[Perna]

I'm happy you feel all connected this week and back in step :-)

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

It was so wonderful to see that it really was safe to put all those big big emotions and dark dark feelings, thoughts out there and just be met with validation, acceptance....

I love this It's one of the hugest gifts of therapy, and I'm glad that you let yourself be so open and honest that you got to experience it.

It sounds like you did an awesome job talking about the issues you were having with her....every time I've done that with my T, it's made the relationship closer, and helped me feel more safe. It's so scary to do it, but so worth it.

And yay for getting to keep the rock! I have something like that from T - part of a set of something that he has on his desk - and he told me I could keep it and it means a ton to me. Like, we will ALWAYS be connected in that way.

I'm glad you had such a good session

[rainbow8]

I am so happy for you that you had that kind of session!!! It sounds so GOOD!! I know how it feels to get the validation from T for telling her like it is!! You did great work today.

[granite1]

i did finish reading itand i am in aw of your strength .i think it is awsome you were able to bring this up and talk about it.horray for you

[Sannah]

Wow, this is so great PG!!!!!!

[ECHOES]

I read every word! A great session in so many ways! I'm glad that your nervousness was relieved and that you resolved the boundary issue around the hug. And I love the hugely meaningful "trust"rock that she is now making a gift and your insight that your trust in her is a gift. That is rock-solid trust going on!

It is true, that sometimes the sessions we dread the most turn into the most awesome sessions! I'm so happy for you!

[Sweetlove]

Sounds like such a great session! So happy it went better than expected...and that your connection is strong right now

[SpiritRunner]

thanks, everyone, for reading and for your responses!

[SpiritRunner]

I meant to reply a little bit more than I did last night.

Originally Posted by treehouse

And yay for getting to keep the rock! I have something like that from T - part of a set of something that he has on his desk - and he told me I could keep it and it means a ton to me. Like, we will ALWAYS be connected in that way.

Yes - that is it! That is something I felt that meant a lot to me too - the sense that there will be some sort of 'always' with the connection. And the sense that I really do mean something to her and that she will remember me, too.....a secure sort of feeling.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I am so happy for you that you had that kind of session!!! It sounds so GOOD!! I know how it feels to get the validation from T for telling her like it is!! You did great work today.

Validation is an awesome thing!

Originally Posted by granite1

i did finish reading it and i am in aw of your strength .i think it is awsome you were able to bring this up and talk about it.horray for you

Granite, thank you! You know what, I think you have a lot of strength too...I really mean it.

[quote=ECHOES;1673412]I read every word! A great session in so many ways! I'm glad that your nervousness was relieved and that you resolved the boundary issue around the hug. And I love the hugely meaningful "trust"rock that she is now making a gift and your insight that your trust in her is a gift. That is rock-solid trust going on! Rock-solid trust.....I like that! But true, this session and her doing this for me, does really make the trust feel more rock-solid!

It is true, that sometimes the sessions we dread the most turn into the most awesome sessions! So true.....I'll try to remember that the next time I'm feeling that dread, that I really don't have as much to be afraid of as I think!

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

I was able to really just tell her what my real feeling was about it - sometimes she has asked me if I'm frustrated with her, and usually, I was like, no, not really, because I didn't want her to see that I was! But today I said, yes! I was annoyed with you all week! And actually she loved it that I was able to tell her straight out what my real feeling was, what it was she had/said done that hurt, and even that I had journaled about what I thought was underneath it and what it triggered in me...
acceptance....

PG~I love it when they are excited that we are angry, mad, upset, or frustrated with them! It is quite comical how they see that as growth and practically stand up and cheer for us that WE DID IT! It is almost like they are saying, "Go ahead, tell me off if you want or need to. This will be good for you!"

Actually, it is good for us. We used our voice and were not afraid to stand up for ourselves. Good for you! I am so happy you were able to get all of this out on the table with her.

FYI~Yes, I did (and always do) read your posts all the way through!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

PG~I love it when they are excited that we are angry, mad, upset, or frustrated with them! It is quite comical how they see that as growth and practically stand up and cheer for us that WE DID IT! It is almost like they are saying, "Go ahead, tell me off if you want or need to. This will be good for you!"

Actually, it is good for us. We used our voice and were not afraid to stand up for ourselves. Good for you! I am so happy you were able to get all of this out on the table with her.

FYI~Yes, I did (and always do) read your posts all the way through!

You're right, it is sort of funny how they do seem to cheer you on for telling them that you were ticked off/mad at them and dumping negative emotion on them! But what is nice is to have a place where it is acceptable and safe to do just that and to have someone who can handle it.....so it helps us see how we can do that in a good way in real life!