[granite1]

having another one of these mornings when i wake up with my head spinning with all kinds of thoughts and anger and stuff.in trying to redirect my thoughts(yay me) i started thinking about what my perfect therapy session would be.this is what i came up with

i want to be able to just walk into T office and sit down and answer her when she asks me what is on my mind

i want to be able to find the words to be able to talk to her about stuff and feel ok about using them

i want to feel truely in my heart that what i have to say is important to me and to my T

i dont want to feel ashamed about what i am saying.

i want T to be able to respond with things that will help me and not make me feel even worse than i do.more ashamed and angry.

i want to go to T and feel that my T realy cares and isnt dreading the silence and frustration.

i want to feel comfortable with anything i want to say or do in therapy

doesnt that sound like the perfect session.and seems so far away from anything that happens when i go to therapy

[ladyjrnlist]

You should print this out and share it with your T. Some very raw and real feelings. They are totally OK to have. Take care.

[ECHOES]

Wonderful goals granite1! And wonderful to be able to think them and write them.
Have you always been able to say to yourself what you want, and to write about those things like you did here?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i want to feel truely in my heart that what i have to say is important to me and to my T

i dont want to feel ashamed about what i am saying.

i want T to be able to respond with things that will help me and not make me feel even worse than i do.more ashamed and angry.

i want to go to T and feel that my T realy cares and isnt dreading the silence and frustration.

i want to feel comfortable with anything i want to say or do in therapy

Very good redirecting!! So you are worried that your T won't feel that what you are saying is important?

Shame is normal granite. We have all been there. It is possible to work beyond it, though. You have to start talking first with some of the shame, however, and as you get going you will find a way to work beyond it. These things have to be expressed in order to work through them. What always helped me was to admit what I was feeling. If you start talking and feel shame say so - "I feel so much shame right now".

You fear that your T will say things that will make you feel worse? If this does happen you can always tell her. This is how relationships are built. You give each other feedback and give them the chance to improve.

Do you feel responsible for how T feels? You would feel bad if T was frustrated?

Being comfortable with ourselves is an excellent goal!! I have done a lot of work on this one. You have to start with not feeling comfortable, however, and you will work beyond it. You have to start somewhere.

What an excellent list granite!!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Wonderful goals granite1! And wonderful to be able to think them and write them.
Have you always been able to say to yourself what you want, and to write about those things like you did here?

it accually did make me feel better to be thinking about this instead of all the horrible crap i was obsessing about.
i can sometime think about what i wish things would be just like this but i have never really shared it with anyone exsept for here on PCit was really just something i did today to stop the spirlal i was heading into.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Very good redirecting!! So you are worried that your T won't feel that what you are saying is important?

Shame is normal granite. We have all been there. It is possible to work beyond it, though. You have to start talking first with some of the shame, however, and as you get going you will find a way to work beyond it. These things have to be expressed in order to work through them. What always helped me was to admit what I was feeling. If you start talking and feel shame say so - "I feel so much shame right now".

You fear that your T will say things that will make you feel worse? If this does happen you can always tell her. This is how relationships are built. You give each other feedback and give them the chance to improve.

Do you feel responsible for how T feels? You would feel bad if T was frustrated?

Being comfortable with ourselves is an excellent goal!! I have done a lot of work on this one. You have to start with not feeling comfortable, however, and you will work beyond it. You have to start somewhere.

What an excellent list granite!!

wow thanks for your responce you have given me so many things to think about.
i do feel shame a lot and it is awful
i am responsible for how T feels durring my T session.i dont think she feels the way she does without me doing something to cause it.
i dont know if she knowingly says things to make me feel worse but i do know i leave feeliong worse a lot.i dont think she knows this.
i am thinking of sending her this list in the mail because monday will come and sharing it with her wont be suuch a great idea anymore.i know she hates me to mail her letters but i thought she might like it and i will never just give it to her

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i am responsible for how T feels durring my T session.i dont think she feels the way she does without me doing something to cause it.

She has chosen to be a therapist and she can handle it. She is responsible for herself not you. Do you think that this came from you over focusing on how your mom was doing because this is what helped you to stay safer when you were young?

Originally Posted by granite1

i dont know if she knowingly says things to make me feel worse but i do know i leave feeliong worse a lot.i dont think she knows this.

I think that while we are healing we get triggered no matter what. It is a part of healing because as you work through each trigger you get better.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

She has chosen to be a therapist and she can handle it. She is responsible for herself not you. Do you think that this came from you over focusing on how your mom was doing because this is what helped you to stay safer when you were young?


I think that while we are healing we get triggered no matter what. It is a part of healing because as you work through each trigger you get better.

if she can handle it why does she get so frustrated i realy dont think it is me just thinking that but maybe it is.
i agree that talking about anything but the weather will make me feel just awfull but i dont know how to change this.
i know i have to start someplace but sometimes that has to be even just saying hi.i hate it.i wish i was a blabbermouth

[Sannah]

She can handle being frustrated. Having feelings isn't a bad thing.

Originally Posted by granite1

i agree that talking about anything but the weather will make me feel just awfull but i dont know how to change this.

You don't change it. You feel awful and then realize that you can work through it. Are you trying to avoid feeling anything bad?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

She can handle being frustrated. Having feelings isn't a bad thing.


You don't change it. You feel awful and then realize that you can work through it. Are you trying to avoid feeling anything bad?

i end up feeling totally out of controle and that isnt good for me at all.i get to angry and afraid and i loose controle.i dont know how to deal without getting like that

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i end up feeling totally out of controle and that isnt good for me at all.i get to angry and afraid and i loose controle.i dont know how to deal without getting like that

Your therapist can help you with this. You have to start somewhere. This would be a real important thing to bring up with T. She should be able to help you come up with a plan. You can't keep a lid on that stuff forever. And this sounds like a big reason why you don't want to say anything in therapy.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Your therapist can help you with this. You have to start somewhere. This would be a real important thing to bring up with T. She should be able to help you come up with a plan. You can't keep a lid on that stuff forever. And this sounds like a big reason why you don't want to say anything in therapy.

thats for sure somethimes i imagine myself just getting angry and trashing her office.i use to do things like that.but i try to tell myself that i am not that person anymore and i haave the ability to make differnt choices and i have but i havnt been in T with someone wanting me to talk either and i get scared i wont be able to handle it i have never really talked to a T exsept for one and things didnt go so well and she left me.i do think i will send her my T wish list going to print it out

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i imagine myself just getting angry and trashing her office.

i get scared i wont be able to handle it

things didnt go so well and she left me.

I can see how these fears could stop you from moving forward. I do feel that you can work through this, however. That would be great if your T could see your list!

[ECHOES]

somethimes i imagine myself just getting angry and trashing her office

Have you told her this? My therapist has a whole wall of shelves of kids' toys and for the longest time they irritated me. I told her one time I had fantasies of coming in and just sweeping those toys right off the shelves! It was hard but it was one of those experiences in therapy that showed me that thoughts are just thoughts and talking about them is okay.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by granite1

having another one of these mornings when i wake up with my head spinning with all kinds of thoughts and anger and stuff.in trying to redirect my thoughts(yay me) i started thinking about what my perfect therapy session would be.this is what i came up with

i want to be able to just walk into T office and sit down and answer her when she asks me what is on my mind

i want to be able to find the words to be able to talk to her about stuff and feel ok about using them

i want to feel truely in my heart that what i have to say is important to me and to my T

i dont want to feel ashamed about what i am saying.

i want T to be able to respond with things that will help me and not make me feel even worse than i do.more ashamed and angry.

i want to go to T and feel that my T realy cares and isnt dreading the silence and frustration.

i want to feel comfortable with anything i want to say or do in therapy

doesnt that sound like the perfect session.and seems so far away from anything that happens when i go to therapy

I'm a bit late getting to your thread, granite, but I agree that this is something that would be good to show your T! I think it would really help her see you and your thoughts, your needs, your feelings better and maybe really help her to know better what to do for you going forward. It could really open up communication between you and her.
I also think that writing this list out, sharing it here, are signs of progress for you; you are working hard!

[rainbow8]

granite, I'm late in responding too. I think your list is great and you should definitely give it to your t. I used to have a fantasy wrecking my T's office, former Ts, not this one, and she'd have to stop me by holding me. Then I'd cry. Fantasies can tell you a lot.

I've been thinking about you saying you talked to the T who went outside with you. Does your T know this? Maybe she would do it too?

[granite1]

inhave had a few T in my life.one was the T at my school who became my foster mother.had many differnt T durring my differnt hospital stays.then i went to live in a residental treatment center.ont therapist just played cards with me because i never talked.then the T that took her place was amazing she just seemed to know what i needed.i trusted her to the core.i could talk to her i even let her read my journal.i didnt feel i had to hide anything.she would take me out and do things because i was so institutionalized.but i am positive she got in big trouble because of the things she did with me.i wasnt supose to leave the treatment grounds or anything.after 4 months she left .and because she left i was no longer allowed to stay either i dont know how the two events were connected but i know for a fact that they were. as she left the program she had a friend who was one of the top trama T around .so i moved to the residential treatment program that her friend was the head of.i was 1of her 2 clients that she saw.i never got to see the T i was so close to again although i know her friend would let her know how i was doing but i was never able to talk to her friend.sorry got lost in memory.she was so awsome

anyway to answer your question no i have never told my T about her.even if i did and she would go out for walks and stuff with me it wouldnt be the samei would see it as her trying to be my old T.but if she did it on her own that might be differnt i dont know.i think it worked for the olt because it was genuine and it was so radical it got my attention.i was curious about her.it just worked

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

granite, I'm late in responding too. I think your list is great and you should definitely give it to your t. I used to have a fantasy wrecking my T's office, former Ts, not this one, and she'd have to stop me by holding me. Then I'd cry. Fantasies can tell you a lot.

I've been thinking about you saying you talked to the T who went outside with you. Does your T know this? Maybe she would do it too?

i use to be so out of controle all the time that i would be so angry i would trash .the house i was in and was so violent.in therapy i would have two guys outside the door to make sure my T wasnt having problems with me if i started getting violent they would come in and restrain me.T never held me i would of probibly hurt her.i try to tell myself i'm not like that any more but i still have that huge fear of being pushed to that point again and i never want to be thare i know that this T could never handle it.although crying and having her tell me things would be ok would be awsome to hear from her

[Luce]

Granite, I can really relate to that fear of losing control. I think I have told you before that i didn't speak in therapy for a long time either, and that was largely due to my fear of losing control. I just couldn't trust what would happen once those floodgates opened.
I think though that you have more control now than you realise. You exercise control in the greatest form by not speaking, no matter how much you want to. And I can't help but wonder if losing control in therapy before was a result of the setting. You were institutionalized, and there were guys around who were there to restrain 'out of control' patients. That setting actually 'sets up' patients to act out by giving them permission to do so. And perhaps it set you up to fear yourself and your responses in future therapy situations too.

I hope you can send your list to T. Its a good one.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Luce

Granite, I can really relate to that fear of losing control. I think I have told you before that i didn't speak in therapy for a long time either, and that was largely due to my fear of losing control. I just couldn't trust what would happen once those floodgates opened.
I think though that you have more control now than you realise. You exercise control in the greatest form by not speaking, no matter how much you want to. And I can't help but wonder if losing control in therapy before was a result of the setting. You were institutionalized, and there were guys around who were there to restrain 'out of control' patients. That setting actually 'sets up' patients to act out by giving them permission to do so. And perhaps it set you up to fear yourself and your responses in future therapy situations too.

I hope you can send your list to T. Its a good one.

sometimes when i cant talk it feels the most out of controle.when i want to say something to someone and i cant even open my mouth like someone just filled my throat with glue.i hate myself.i get so frustrated.my fear takes over everything.it feel totally out of controle.maybe if t try to stop and think in these terms i wont be so bad i really dont know.never really looked at it this way

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

She can handle being frustrated. Having feelings isn't a bad thing.


You don't change it. You feel awful and then realize that you can work through it. Are you trying to avoid feeling anything bad?

sannah wow i have to say this post really stirred something up in me it haunted me all day because i just wanted to run from it .i hardly know how to put what happened into words.it was like "ok done with this now i' leaving"and it shows in the post i did later with the got to go print my list .smiley face and then gone.never wanted to run from PC before.i'm sure it is because you used the F word .you know feelings!!sitting with such horrable feelings is just undoable and unthinkable.i panic, get overwelmed,angry,scared.god it seems i run even at the mention of bad feelings.so i guess it is safe to say yes i am avoiding bad feelings

[Luce]

Originally Posted by granite1

sitting with such horrable feelings is just undoable and unthinkable.i panic, get overwelmed,angry,scared.god it seems i run even at the mention of bad feelings.so i guess it is safe to say yes i am avoiding bad feelings

From what you've told us it seems you have never had a safe outlet for your emotions, and given your history you would obviously have some really overwhelming feelings about a whole lot of things. It only stands to reason that you have all these huge emotions that you are terrified of. It's okay to be afraid of them, and totally normal under the circumstances for you to want to avoid them.

But there's a big catch 22 - how can you work with those emotions or change anything if you never allow yourself to feel them?

A funny thing about emotions - it is when they are stuffed beyond breaking point that those big explosions occur. They are much more controllable if you let them out a little at a time, before the pressure point is reached.

If you could think of one way that *MIGHT* make expressing yourself in t easier, what would it be?

[Sannah]

Granite, I like what Luce is talking about. I guess you never felt safe while institutionalized?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Granite, I like what Luce is talking about. I guess you never felt safe while institutionalized?

sannah i hope you arnt mad at me i wasnt mad at your post at all i probibly should have not said anything.i'm worried.i agree with what you have to say i really do feelings and emotions for me are really scarey

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

sannah i hope you arnt mad at me i wasnt mad at your post at all i probibly should have not said anything.i'm worried.i agree with what you have to say i really do feelings and emotions for me are really scarey

Granite, of course I am not mad at you at all! I am very happy that you are talking about the things that are really bothering you. I'm wondering where this is coming from? Why did you think that I was upset? People previously got upset with you?