I think my therapist is burned out. Lately I've noticed he takes nothing I say seriously. And I often felt like I was looping around again and again and running into dead ends. But then I thought "Maybe this is just my perception". But in a group that he ran two other clients of his said the same thing, that they felt they were hitting brick walls with him. That everything they said wasn't heard. I think it's odd, because he's usually pretty good at this, he nodded and took their input well. I think because he didn't take it seriously. I could see by his reaction.

So I finally spoke up and said "yes I also agree with them. I do feel the same way. That things aren't being heard lately". and he looked right at me and said "Well is that my fault or yours!?" I responded "If you don't think I don't work in my recovery, you're wrong and you know it". And we ended it there.

I think he takes me more seriously, because I don't complain a lot, I've been with him for awhile and he has some odd playing favorites, transference thing going on. But with the other two he was just like "well whatever, who cares, what they're saying is a load of poo... la la la". I wanted to burst. If you would have taken a pin to my head it would have popped.

So what I want to know is, is it appropriate to be like maybe you should check yourself? Because it's not that I'm being a caretaker of my caretaker. Because if it didn't effect me or other patients directly it would be one thing. But it does, greatly. GREATLY. I mean he's not only my therapist he's my caseworker and nothing gets done. There is such a lack of empathy. I say something SO serious and he'll laugh at me? And then come up with an excuse when I tell him it's not okay.

I once finally got the courage to tell him it was hard to discuss my past abuse with him because he resembled my abuser, by age, build, even hair color. A few days later I became fearful of him as I sometimes do while we were together and he starts laughing and says "right this is because of my age?" I told him I didn't appreciate it. And he said "well we weren't in session so I wasn't in therapist mode". He didn't use to be like this. And the only thing I can think is that he's burned out. I am in the process of begging for a new therapist. But I am quite obviously, again, not being taken very seriously. Because he heads EVERY step I make.

[ballet_girl]

((((LydiaB))))

I can't even imagine how much it must have hurt to have your t laugh at such a legitimate and emotional concern. Its not acceptable for him to delegitimize you just because he "isn't in t mode". Maybe you can sit down with him with a concrete list of things that bother you, like him laughing at you outside of session, and making some type of agreement with him, or just talking it over?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

"Well is that my fault or yours!?"

There is such a lack of empathy. I say something SO serious and he'll laugh at me? And then come up with an excuse when I tell him it's not okay.

A few days later I became fearful of him as I sometimes do while we were together and he starts laughing and says "right this is because of my age?" I told him I didn't appreciate it. And he said "well we weren't in session so I wasn't in therapist mode".

THese things don't sound good. Your concerns are valid. Keep us posted?

[Chronic]

(((Lydia))) I dont like the sound of this T. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you can get a new T who will take you seriously and not treat you like this

[sunrise]

Lydia, I feel you have some valid concerns. I didn't like how your T said that insensitive thing--a joke?--because he wasn't in T mode. When Ts are with clients, even outside of their office, they still have a responsibility to act mature, thoughtful, etc.

Do you feel uncomfortable having your T serve a dual role for you? Actually he serves a triple role. He is your case worker, your individual therapist, and your group therapist. That seems like a lot of roles for one individual. Would you want him to remain in some roles but not others? Like if you could see a different T, would you still want him to be your case worker? Yet you say that as your case worker, "nothing gets done." So you have reservations about his abilities both as your T (being burnt out) and your CW (not being effective).

Originally Posted by LydiaB

I am in the process of begging for a new therapist.

Who do you beg for a new T? Do you have to beg your caseworker for a new T? Since your CW is your T, this could be really uncomfortable!

What do you want to do?

[SpiritRunner]

I also think your concerns are valid - there is an insensitivity, an unkindness coming through in what you mention him saying/doing. It also seems sort of like boundary violations to me too - perhaps he's allowed personal feelings/judgments/reactions to come out and in any case he's been disrespectful of your needs. Doesn't sound therapeutic at all!
As sunrise says, maybe he's playing too many roles in your case, too, and he's tired from doing too much....
Certainly sounds like some things need to change so you can get therapy that is truly helpful for you!

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

And he said "well we weren't in session so I wasn't in therapist mode". He didn't use to be like this. And the only thing I can think is that he's burned out. I am in the process of begging for a new therapist. But I am quite obviously, again, not being taken very seriously. Because he heads EVERY step I make.

You could well be right, Lydia. Why can't you find a new therapist, is he standing in your way?

Thanks you guys for your responses.

As far as a new therapist, I cannot just leave the program I am in. It's complicated. But it requires them to make sure I have an approved team to go to. And quite possibly I may not be able to leave at all. It would ultimately be up to my psychiatrist. I talked to my therapist today. He was a little bit more sympathetic. But I told him I'd like to see a specialist again. Part of the problem is a few months ago we had some transference issues going on. I knew what they were and I basically let him know in a more appropriate way that I was afraid of him taking advantage of me but at the same time the only reason I felt any attraction to him was because he reminded me of the man who abused me, who I was taught to admire as a child. I thought as a therapist he would take it fine, but I think his jaw hit the ground right there. And that's when Mr. Niceguy, come at the speed of light turned to your problems aren't important, and I'll do it when I want to do it, which is never.

Today while talking to him, he seemed to be building himself back up and turning back into the therapist I knew from over a year ago. But it's one day, and I still don't want to be doing something so fragile, like therapy, with someone who was willing to harm me because I didn't actually want them to begin with. Of course I didn't. I was a very vulnerable and I'm glad I said something... The last thing I need is another trauma.

So today I asked him again if I could have this other therapist and he said he wished that I would stay so that *I* could work on transference issues with him. So that *I* could learn to trust men who I perceive as scary. If he thinks I'm going to turn off common sense... that's stupid. But okay we'll go with his logic that I do see him as my abuser and I work to overcome being afraid of him. BUT I just sort of sat there and thought for awhile afterwards. Is it wrong to ask for a safe person to be involved? And not just him? Another therapist? A middle man? Accountability? Because of what's been displayed to me I would feel much more safe having another person in the ball park. But I don't know how to ask for this, without him telling me that "I don't have to be afraid of him". "Well yes I do". Because I really don't want to go into the 100 different things he's done to cause worry. Because I know how inappropriate and how scary of a conversation that would/could be.

[Sannah]

Yeah, it would be good to work on the transference stuff. When transference stuff is going on it could be you with the issues or it could be him with the issues?

[sunrise]

Instead of talking about how he reminds you of your abuser, maybe you could just tell him that you feel he is serving too many roles in your care: case worker, individual therapist, group therapist. There can be conflicts of interest when a T serves dual roles. He knows this. If you push the discussion to this level, his ethical training should help him see the light as Ts are trained to be wary of serving multiple roles for the same client. Perhaps you could offer that he remain your case worker and your group therapist but you would like a new individual therapist. That would let him retain 2 of his 3 roles--maybe he would be satisfied with that and not offer you more hassle.

Lydia, is the fact that your T reminds you of your abuser and that therefore you have some fear of him the main reason why you want to switch Ts? Or is it that you feel he's burned out, isn't giving you good care, or getting tasks done (as your CW)? These seem to be two really different reasons. In your early posts in this thread you emphasized the burn-out/ineffectiveness. Were those a cover for the abuse/fear reason, which is really more key?