I saw T today. We had such a good session on Monday, and I was looking forward to seeing him.

My morning was INSANE. My boys were wild, the traffic was crazy, I had to deal with my mom almost first thing...I went in there feeling all ramped up and jumpy. It was hard to settle in.

I felt all vulnerable on the couch. I've had too many big feelings there, and it just felt so open and expansive and uncontained. I wanted to sit in this one chair that I know my teen part likes, but I SO didn't want to switch and give my session to teen. Finally, I asked T if we could change places. I sat in his chair with a pillow on my lap and he sat on the couch. I felt WAY more contained and safe. WAY.

I've been having this ongoing issue eating at me. I bring T lots of little presents. Like, when we pick strawberries and make jam, I'll bring him a jar. Or when we pick pumpkins and make bread, I'll bring him that. Sometimes I knit him little things (like a little bowl) and I knitted him socks for his birthday. I've brought him a couple of books that I loved that I though he would like.

T has something new sitting on his desk that someone bought for him, and to me, it is the PERFECT GIFT for T. It makes me feel like all of my gifts are stupid. It makes me embarrassed and it makes me want them back so I can just throw them all in the trash. I keep asking "do you like me less because that person's present is better?" and he keeps saying things like "the gifts you give me are incredible"....but something isn't clicking, AT ALL, for me.

I told him today I need something from him I can't have. He kept wondering what, and I couldn't put it into words, because I didn't know. I felt angry and distant. But I didn't want to feel like that.

I asked him if I could sit with him, and I did. I held his hand. I said that I didn't want to make a big wall between us. He said that was good, and I know he meant it, because I have a history of building BIG walls that can be hard to tear down.

I finally talked a little about the gifts.

I bring him gifts because I love him. I love him from the deep, deep, deepest part of me. The youngest, most innocent part of me. I guess the purest part of me. That young part of me wants to bring him things.

And I said that now I feel like my gifts are stupid. And I realized, and said "My LOVE is stupid" and I burst into tears - sobbing, sobbing kind of tears. We weren't holding hands - I had pulled out my checkbook because I wanted to leave (session was almost over) and I held it up so he couldn't see my face. I couldn't even catch my breath.

T said some things like the situation I grew up in was stupid, and the things that were done to me were stupid. He told me that he has three little rocks that are very meaningful to him, and he keeps them in the bowl I made, because he can't think of any container that would be better for them. It didn't help. I felt SO DEEPLY how stupid my love is. And I felt so embarrassed that I tried to give it to him and I told him that.

The session ended up running over by like 15 minutes, because I was just a total mess. It felt like I ripped off a scab on a deep, deep, DEEP wound. When I left and T hugged me, he hugged me so gently, like I might break. He just held me like that for a while. I felt like I *might* break. Or like I had already broken.

I've had the most horrible headache since then. I can't think. Usually when I have a moment like that in therapy, a bunch of puzzle pieces fall into place...like "oh, THAT'S why I feel like _________", or whatever. Or I suddenly see where my behaviors, etc. come from. Instead it's like my brain is in slow motion. I can't even kind of start to think of where "my love is stupid" came from, what it means, how it affects me. It just feels like Truth, and I'm stuck right here. Maybe my brain is just protecting me and giving me a break.

I don't know. It hurts. It's sad. I don't even understand what "my love is stupid" means, but wow, it feels so, so, so deep and so, so, so true.



Therapy is SO painful sometimes.

(((((tree)))))))

That sounds so painful.

I wonder if part of the reason it's SO painful is because you thought you had already reached the bottom of the pain? The core of the onion? And then BOOM there's another, deeper layer you weren't aware of?

It just sounds like you were blindsided by it, which I think makes it feel worse.

I hope something moves or shifts for you soon.

[SpiritRunner]

oh, tree, I really do have tears in my eyes for you reading that. to me, it sounds like your love is beautiful and that your T thinks that too.....but I'm so sorry it's so painful right now.

[Kacey2]

(((((((((((tree)))))))))))))))))) I sent you a pm!

[Omers]

I call that headache and slow moving stuff an emotional hangover. I get them all the time when something deep gets touched. I hate them because no meds seem to be able to take them away. I physically hurt so bad I have to lay down and then I can't do anything to distract from the emotional pain.
I can sorta relate to the gifts thing too. I still have the Christmas gift I made for massage T sitting by the door. It is a beautiful, hand decorated (by me) wooden box. Every time I pick it up I get that same "It's stupid" feeling and put it down before walking out the door. Or I remind myself that she isn't a Christian so it is stupid to give her a Christmas present and force my tradition onto her. I also feel so ashamed every time I pick it up and have no clue what that is about.
Where you are right now sucks, it really really sucks and I am so sorry that you are in that place. I wish that I had some answers or magical insight but I don't. So please, just know that you are not alone.

[Sweetlove]

Tree, your describe your sessions so well...I can picture everything you're saying. From everything you have said about your T, he sounds incredibly compasionate and helpful.

All I can say is that I think you would have felt that pain eventually, even if another client hadn't given your T a present. That present was just a trigger of what was burried deep down all along. Fortuantly, you were in the gentle hands of your T when it came out and your T observed it and can help you heal from it.

I hope you start to feel better and find some peace soon

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( TREE ))))

My heart is breaking for you....I have confidence that you will work through this wound. But in the meantime, these feelings are awful. So so so awful. I'm so sorry.

[WePow]

(((((((Tree))))))))

My T would say that you touched your "core trauma" with this.
It is a very BIG part of your deepest pain.
Stay with this bad emotion and allow it to show you what is hidden.
There is something very big here and I know you are strong enough to find out what it is. You can do it. BIG SAFE hugs!!!

[sugahorse1]

(((Tree))) your session sounded very productive, even if it was painful. You and T really seem to connect on a very special level xx

[granite1]

WOW tree i can so feel how much you are hurting in what you have written here.i am sorry.

[Fartraveler]

(((Tree)))

[sittingatwatersedge]

dear Tree...
that hug your T gave you, that's what I would like to give you too. I think sometimes the things that are way down have no words, so if you don't have coherent thoughts going on after this session I hope you won't pressure yourself about it. You really reached in and brought out something very important, I am proud of you!! even if there is pain.

from SAWE

PS when I got to this part of your post >> I told him today I need something from him I can't have. He kept wondering what
I wondered if you were going to ask him for the "perfect present" so you could get it out of your sight. That's what I would have wanted, truly; but you didn't go that way. that's really great too.

[Sannah]

Good work Tree. I'll bet this feeling that you have that your love is stupid has something to do with your mom. I know with my mom I couldn't love her because she had a wall there.

[seventyeight]

hi tree,

i'm sorry you're in such deep pain. i can totally understand why seeing the "perfect present" from someone else would cause you to feel this way. it sounds like it's not about the present itself, but what it represents. you've equated the present with the connection to your therapist; the present from the other client is "better," so therefore your therapist's connection with the other client is better.

i will say this: i think your gifts are really sweet, genuine, and totally unpredictible. they are what you feel like giving your therapist, plain and simple. if i guess, i'd say it's likely that this other client really racked their brain trying to come up with the perfect present and that's how it came about. it probably has nothing to do with how well they know each other at all.

i think the bowl you knitted him was way cool, btw. it's really neat that something you made, is the thing that's containing something really special and important of his. it's like a joint gift, something that you share together. and that's way better than a "perfect present" any day.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((((((((Treehouse)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Probably after the wonderfully connected session you had earlier in the week, you were ready to take another huge but painful step in your healing.

I'm sorry it hurts so much.

[rainbow8]

tree, your love for T is NOT stupid. I'm sorry you feel that way and are hurting right now. You make my heart ache for you.

[Abby]

Treehouse....thank you for always being so open and honest on here. I read your posts and I am filled with complete admiration. I feel utterly how much pain you are in, but it is totally amazing that despite this you are able to talk to your T about these things, and write it on here for people like myself to look and learn from. That perhaps wasn't your original intention, but being open and honest like a fair majority of us i feel, isn't a skill of mine and it is good to see it being practised without mind-freezing fear. As painful as it must feel, it must be good to feel in its entirety your truth...even if it is only that for these few moments in time. I apologise if I have gotten the tone of your post all wrong and replied badly.

[ladyjrnlist]

I hope this turns out to be a good epiphany for you! HugS

(((((((((tree))))))))))) go breathe the air outside you love so much sending safe hugs

Originally Posted by Abby

I apologise if I have gotten the tone of your post all wrong and replied badly.

(((((((((((abby)))))))))))) Not at ALL. What you said was so kind
((((((((PC Friends))))))))) Thank you ALL for your responses. It helps to get the hugs and outside viewpoints, A LOT.

I am so grateful for PC and for all of you.

[elliemay]

I hope that you are feeling some better today. Those gut wrenching sessions are so draining. The pain can really take over.

I don't know why, but a quote keeps coming to my mind:

"I know what I have given you, I do not know what you have received"
(or something like that)

I wish I had some sage insight that could help you to understand where all of this was coming from, and help you to neutralize it, but I don't.

All I can say is that whatever it is you want from your therapist, you are worthy of having it and entitled to it. I don't know if it's something he can't give, or something you can't receive - yet.

Above all, I wish peace for your heart this weekend.

[elliemay]

Oh yeah, I give my therapist rocks too. He loves them.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I said that I didn't want to make a big wall between us. He said that was good, and I know he meant it

I found your entire post deeply touching, tree. This part about your telling him so honestly that you didn't want to build a wall is so inspiring to me....

Originally Posted by treehouse

I don't know. It hurts. It's sad. I don't even understand what "my love is stupid" means, but wow, it feels so, so, so deep and so, so, so true.

(((((treehouse))))) I think you are getting to the places that few of us dare to go.

((((((((((((((((tree)))))))))))))))))))

you seem like such an incredibly loving person, tree. i'm sure your T just cherishes your love for him. i always remember how you told us he said to you once that if you knew each other outside therapy he would want a lot of your time, i.e. to spend a lot of time with you. that tells me your love comes thru to him loud and clear.