"resolving the "transference""

sunrise · Jan 24, 2011, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mark366160

This whole "relationship" thing just has me twisted.

If it's any consolation, it can get better. You can move into a relationship of caring and constancy. It doesn't always have to stay so intense and unfathomable (well, some of the unfathomable part has never gone away for me, but it helps to not demand complete understanding of oneself but instead to accept). I agree that weekly appointments might be good. I think it helps the relationship get established firmly. Take care.

SpiritRunner · 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunrise

Can you ask her about that moment? When a T is highly attuned to a client, he/she will sometimes express empathetic emotion. I think this can be a good thing in a T, and it sounds like your T was oozing empathy when you told her that story. Empathy is so key for a T, and I am glad for you that she has this.

Empathy is a wonderful thing for a T to have....
A few times, mine has gotten teary......as I read somewhere, she has the ' gift of tears' (a gift I don't really have.....and sometimes wish I did, so I could just cry). I don't think it means she can't handle the emotion of what I'm telling her....but it does mean that I can see, really see, that she does care and is touched. She stays in control, of course...and that is key too, to feel the empathy but not get pulled way inside the client's emotion.
So if you have T who is able to give you the gift of such empathy, that is something to be thankful for!

elliemay · Jan 24, 2011, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mark366160

Elliemay... thank you again, as well as to the others that have replied.

Pachyderm, you asked why I was getting enmeshed with her this way... Part of me believes that she is asking the same damn question. I think it's my age, the feeling of being cut off from women for most of my life due to the nature of my work and my very long term relationship, my romantic tendencies which stay hidden, and maybe a tad of idealization when it comes to women in general. This... thing... this therapy... wasn't about any of that when it started. I got emotional while talking out of the blue about a romantic scene in a movie... and I'm a man... I don't get emotional like that in front of people... this meant something to me because I was doing it with her... she asked me why, but I replied with something stupid ("I have a thing for idiot stories"). Later, again, out of the blue, I told her a story about how I met my wife and it's relationship to my daughter's looking for a relationship, and she got emotional, unexpectedly for me... but when this happened, it was brief, and then she was back in control, it was at the end of a session, and I didn't have the balls to ask her what had just happened. I closed the loop at this point, and the entire "therapy thing" changed for me. I did this. Not her. I don't think she realized what happened to me. It's important for me to stress that she did nothing wrong. We're starting to work through this.

As Elliemay stated, this really is about me, not her. I think she is as confused by my behavior as much as I am... and because for the life of me I see her as a person which I care about, I don't want to feel like I'm hurting her. I also want to feel like a man, and not like I'm in here whimpering about... whatever my issues are. I want her to like me. I want to be easy, in the context that I know her job is hard and she sees lots of people with all sorts of issues which have to be more troubling or hard to deal with than my little infatuation problem. It's my nature to be this way.

Hell, look at me. I'm at work needing to do my job, and I'm writing all of this. Anyways... again thank you for your responses. I really do appreciate them.

I think it is very hard NOT to respond to shared moment of grief? joy? pain?. I think we often carry a whole lot on our backs and we do it alone. When we let another in, they empathize and understand, it's so powerful. A strong bond can be forged in an instant.

Personally, I think increasing the frequency of sessions is a good idea, although perhaps a bit counterintuitive. What this will allow you to do is spend more time dealing with the reality of the situation and not the reality that is created in your head about it. It may help with the overthink.

I totally understand about the overthink BTW.

Try to relax for a little while. This whole situation will work out. I can promise you that.

Just exhale.

mark366160 · 10:47 PM

Elliemay... thank you... Honestly, I think I fear the reality just as much as what's in my head... but I guess it is what it is... or will be what it will be... or something like that (starting to sound like a song)

You look through every face in a crowd...
Some shine and some keep you guessing...
Waiting for someone to come into focus...
Teach you your final love lesson...

But I think this is more appropriate:

You are my fire... my one desire... believe when I say... I want it that way...
But we are two worlds apart... I can't reach to your heart... when you say... I want it that way...

Oh well... Van Halen or Backstreet boys... not a good match anyways

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