[sittingatwatersedge]

Apparently I have taken a step backwards, due to some things I learned about my FOO recently.

It seemed that T and I talked about courage a lot today. She said that courage is going ahead and doing what you need to do, even when it's hard.

So I told her that if she would be patient, i would try to be what she calls "brave".

After today's session I'm aware of a lot of movement, if I can put it that way, deep down, although on surface I feel tired, and sort of puzzled, and sad.

(((((((((((((((sawe)))))))))))))))))))

That sounds about right....movement, tired, puzzled. It sounds like you are doing good work.

And like you are being very, very brave

[sittingatwatersedge]

Tree, what would I do without your support.
I took my cape in with me today and held it on my lap (it's soft, full and pretty bulky) and when T asked me if I wanted to put it down somewhere, I said, no, I am hiding behind it. And I may just put it over my head, later on.
I told her about that horrible dream and she didn't seem to take it personally at all, but she said wow it is just so hard for you to trust. It seems that you are waiting, waiting... just waiting for the moment of betrayal.

I said, why can't it be the other way? Why can't I wait for the moment of proof that someone is safe? If all i am doing is waiting for the betrayal, i am doomed; no one is perfect and everyone will let you down sooner or later, in a big way or a small one.

at least she didn't take the dream as a personal insult (that I could tell, anyway)

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I said, why can't it be the other way? Why can't I wait for the moment of proof that someone is safe? If all i am doing is waiting for the betrayal, i am doomed; no one is perfect and everyone will let you down sooner or later, in a big way or a small one.

Wow, SAWE....this seems like such a big and important realization. Like the POSSIBILITY of a total shift in how you think about something. Possibilities are scary and good.

[sittingatwatersedge]

>> POSSIBILITY of a shift
That's so interesting that you should say that.

I told her about the director of Butterfly Migration, Chip Taylor, who said that failure is the thing that tells us what else we should try.
I have been looking and looking at this. It's SO alien to the way I think.

To me failure is catastrophic; it means you will be valued less by those whose good will you need; it means hopelessness, it underscores an inability to do well, maybe even to get on; often it means punishment or other adverse consequences. I wonder how often I ever look for the lesson that lies within.

I told her I was going to keep looking at Taylor's comment and see if I can get it to make sense for me.

[SpiritRunner]

You ARE brave, sawe! Maybe some of this does signal a shift toward thinking/believing something good that you haven't been able to consider believing before......sometimes I do feel like in my case (like maybe almost willing to let go of shame and of thinking I am not redeemable.....)

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

failure is the thing that tells us what else we should try.

Wow, I LOVE this. I am SO going to teach this to my boys.

Thank you for posting that.

[rainbow8]

You ARE brave, SAWE!! You had a good session!!! What's the quote about how many 1000's of failures Thomas Edison had before he invented the light bulb?!

[granite1]

my T tells me that i am brave to keep showing up every week,especially when it is so hard for me .i bet it is the same for you sawe.you work so hard and you still show up every week keep up the good work and great deal with therapist

[Fartraveler]

But I'll push myself up through the dirt
And shake my petals free
I'm resolved to being born
And so resigned to bravery

From Spring Street by Dar Williams

[eskielover]

Interesting the point you are at in your therapy......a place where I was but never really worked it through for years after I completely failed in being able to keep my career or finding another position.

It hasn't been until years later that I have realized that the end of that phase of my life opened other possibilities (even though they weren't money making possibilities) & opportunities to touch other peoples lives that I never would have touched if I had stayed in the narrow engineering career I was in. I have learned that is every bad thing, God has provided good to come from it. I have alway learned more about myself.....I would not be able to be where I am today if what had happened hadn't happened. Glad you have a T who can help guide you through these things....for me it wasn't through therapy, but through my beliefs that have gotten me through to better understanding that the dead end in the road isn't failure, but a detour to another path that God really wants me to be on.

Keep up the good work. It's always an interesting feeling then the light bulb comes on inside out mind & we realize a new thought that we hadn't thought before.....takes time for it to take complete formation, then a little more time to become a part of our belief system, then be becomes second nature in our life.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by eskielover

...in every bad thing, God has provided good to come from it.
yes I am convinced of this

... I would not be able to be where I am today if what had happened hadn't happened. Glad you have a T who can help guide you through these things....f
Yes this is something that I have begun to understand since starting therapy & also that's why I went to this T, in the first place, because she works within the teachings of my faith, unlike many therapists

... the dead end in the road isn't failure, but a detour to another path that God really wants me to be on.
I think that this takes a lot of focus and contemplation, but maybe also a certain amount of experiencing. It's my observation that the more of life one sees, the more evidence for the workings of divine Providence.

Keep up the good work.
Thanks Eskie, and God bless .

____________________________________

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

failure is the thing that tells us what else we should try.
I have been looking and looking at this. It's SO alien to the way I think.

To me failure is catastrophic; it means you will be valued less by those whose good will you need; it means hopelessness, it underscores an inability to do well, maybe even to get on; often it means punishment or other adverse consequences.

Chip's comment means that the road doesn't end, it is just a detour. Your thinking is that you believe the road is a dead end and everything has come to a halt?

What is FOO?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Hi Sannah,

"FOO" is Family Of Origin.

I know what he meant. I said only that to me, that's a whole other way of thinking about it.

In my FOO, failure was not a "detour", or the signal to try something else, it was a train wreck. It was always risky, and could get very scary indeed since there were several kinds of CA in our house when I was growing up

What I said about how I tend to view failure... this was a lesson that I began learning very early on... uncoupling those wires now and rewiring them is coming very hard.

[Sannah]

What is CA?

Realizing that this is what you need to work on is very good. You'll be able to do it and get some new wiring..........

[sittingatwatersedge]

CA is child abuse, Sannah.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I told her about the director of Butterfly Migration, Chip Taylor, who said that failure is the thing that tells us what else we should try.

Hi SAWE,
I can relate.
Failure is so catastrophic that I don't try anymore. Actually, hope and excitement (when shown to the world) are equally catastrophic. I guess I keep working on this too. I hope that I can form a new way of thinking. I keep trying the old ways over and over again.
It's interesting I read this quote as "the future is the thing that tells us what else we should try." It gave me a little boost of hope.

Not sure if this is along the lines of what you describe. But I thought I would expand in my own experiences...
How do we psychologically separate ourselves from our FOO? For me: They are not here anymore. My mom has moved away, my dad lives in another state. I limit the time I spend talking to them. Yet,
I wear them like a cloak around me. Why does the past haunt us daily? From first waking? I cannot simply go out in the world and investigate the possibilities. Because they will look at me and tell me I am small, weak, incapable, that it all will fall away.