Ugh, I've been having a hard time, and reading along but REALLY having a tough time posting. I'm really really sorry that I've been kind of MIA.

I want to post about my session. Really, truly, no reading OR responding is necessary or expected. It helps me to write it out here.

so.

I had a panic attack on my way to see T. I called my H and asked him to tell me all of the reasons he knows I'm not having a heart attack, and he did, and it helped maybe a little. I wasn't in panic attack mode by the time I got there, but I was REALLY anxious.

I've been so so so busy since I last saw T. Partly because my life has been packed, partly because I've been filling up every free moment with SOMETHING because I'm scared to be alone with myself and my feelings. I think the panic attack on the way to T was because I knew I had 90 minutes coming in that quiet space, and I knew those feelings from Thursday were going to be there.

I told T how anxious and busy I've been, and that I had a panic attack. I know we talked a little but I can't remember about what, and the next thing I remember, I had my hands over my eyes and I had gone, alone, into the dark, dark place inside. I just wanted to be alone. It felt familiar and safe and dark and cool and T felt FAR away and it was good.

I heard T asking why I was hiding, and I think I said something about liking it in the dark. I'm not sure. And T was asking if there was a middle place between being alone in the dark and being connected with him in the light. I couldn't talk, didn't want to. It was just JUST like being little again. That's a big thing I used to do to feel safe - just go into the darkness in my head, and I didn't want to come out. I think I stayed there for a long time today, but I'm not sure.

Finally, T asked if he could close the curtains and dim the lights, if I would try to come out if he did that, and I must have nodded. So, I heard him walking around and he sat back down and said okay and I peeked out and it was so so so much darker in the room. I uncovered my eyes. It wasn't dark, but it was dark enough for me to try to be there. I was curled up on the couch and T started telling me a story.

He told me about the movie Avatar (I haven't seen it) and about how they say "I see you". He talked about connection, and about how the movie was about connection. He said I should let myself take a three hour break and watch it. He told me "I see you". Then he stopped and tilted his head way over like mine (I was curled up and laying down) and asked "why the tears?"

And I didn't KNOW why, and I told him, but they just kept coming.

And I realized later that T came into the darkness and GOT ME. No one has ever done that. It felt DIFFERENT. Different, and scary, and good. T did see me. And he pulled me out.

I spent so many years hiding in the dark, not EVER expecting to be seen, not EVER expecting to be found. Today, I just wanted to rest and be alone...I didn't know I WANTED T to reach in and get me.

It was a hard session. I told T that I feel like I've been falling down a well for three years and that every memory has just been a rock I've hit on the way down and that now I'm at the bottom, and it's deep, and dark, and murky. I don't want to be here. It's like...here are the CONSEQUENCES of what happened to me. The big, ugly feelings I have about myself. The big aloneness. The terror. The badness inside. The bewildered, desperate, confused little girl. All of it. And there are these moments of clarity where everything "clicks" and it's like IT ALL MAKES SENSE for a second...like I can see the big picture all at once...and then it goes away again. And I don't know how to get OUT. and I hate it here.

T said he will come in the well with me, and that we will find our way out. He said that just knowing that we're down there is the first step back towards the light. He said that we can grab onto a stone and just pull ourselves out a little bit, even if our feet and bodies are mostly underwater.

He says that this is the worst part, but that we'll get through it. He said when he thinks of me, the first thing he thinks of is courage.

Towards the end of session, he said something about my parents not anticipating my needs like parents are supposed to do. I felt confused, but then later, I thought about T reaching into my darkness and pulling me out when I needed it, and when I didn't have any idea that that was what I needed. And I realized. THAT is what it feels like, to be seen and cared for. T gave that to me, even though I'm me.

WOW. that is an amazing session, tree, and your T is incredible. keep holding onto his hand. he is going to lead you thru the darkness and into the light.

[WePow]

((((((Tree)))))))) Your post is one of the most inspirational writings I have read in many years. Thank you very much for sharing your journey!

You said "And I realized later that T came into the darkness and GOT ME. No one has ever done that. It felt DIFFERENT. Different, and scary, and good. T did see me. And he pulled me out.

I spent so many years hiding in the dark, not EVER expecting to be seen, not EVER expecting to be found. Today, I just wanted to rest and be alone...I didn't know I WANTED T to reach in and get me. "

That is just blowing me away! That is very awesome!!!

[granite1]

lots of hugs

[SpiritRunner]

tree, you have an awesome T, and you are very, very courageous!

[Elana05]

(((Tree)))

[pachyderm]

(((((treehouse)))))