T had a major break through today and i'm proud of her

she has decided to try something new from now on .she realizes that I'm afraid to talk.she said she is convinced that the reason i am scared is because i have no idea what the outcome will be.so for some reason we are going to start with the outcome.i have no idea how this works but she was all excited about it.has anyone heard about it.i terrifies me totally.i dont want to bring up bad things.
i gave her my list about the perfect T session and this is what she comes up with any one heard of it.or T this way.
she said some really intense things today do to this list i gave her and that makes me so uncomfortable.she said i should checl out with her if she is angry and frustrated with being with me,that she isnt my mother and that she might not be.
sorry my head is all over the place so things arekind of scattered.she seemed very careing and understanding.
she used the word truma again i hate that word i dont know why.she said she knows i have suffered a lot of trama in my life.and doing T this way will help to not retraumatize me.But i dont want to talk
she said it must be so hard to come here week after week and have all these thoughts in my head i cant talk about and then have her say ok times up we will fix it next week"although she has never used those words"i just wanted to say it was ok.
as she was reading she said a lot of ohmy's and wow's and oh dear's.that kind of scared me a lot.
i'm scared of her making me talk next week.
she asked me if i sent her any e-mails or letters.she knows i didnt or she would have had them.wonder why she asked.
my head is so mixed up i dont know how i can do this i'm kind of panicing.it seems like this is what she doesnt want happening.BUT IT DOES weather she wants it to or not.and it will be worse if i speak with her i know it.
she is always commenting on my face.like You just frowned what is going on right now?"i dont like it.sorry i'm so scattered i better stop writing just trying to make sence but i cant right now

WOW ! Well that sounds like a very powerful insight for your T. I know you don't like that "tr" word. :-( It is hard when we get re-triggered. It feels like she really wants in to hear your voice. If you get a chance, watch the new movie "The King's Speech" - it is actually a story I think you can really related with. Big hugs to you!

So was this session good or bad overall granite? Your title is positive but then you are scared in the thread?

Wow, granite! I think your T did have a major breakthrough, and you should be proud of her! She really really does want to help you, this shows that to me. I think her comments when she was reading your list probably mean that she was touched/moved/positively affected by what you wrote. My T says stuff like that when she reads what I wrote too; it always makes me jump with a sort of dread, too. But it's never been anything bad! I think your T is showing that she cares.
My T told me today she had seen 'The King's Speech'; said she thought about me, because to her it's about perseverance, too, just about trying and trying and staying in the struggle. But then, this fits you too, granite!

i think it was good for her but not so sure for me the more i think about it the more scared i get.the idea of talking about all these horrible things terrifies me and i dont know if i or T can handle it .sannah i just dont know i'm kind of scared right now

granite, can you tell her that you are scared and why?

granite, it's OK to be scared. this is a new approach for you. it also means that, if you let them bit by bit, these things will start coming out of you.....which they're scared to do, and you're scared to let them. that's OK. be gentle with yourself and your fear....but let fear know that you are the boss of it!
T can handle anything you say! sometimes I thought, oh I don't think my T wants to hear this, she won't like it, what if it hurts her - but she said, 'I've heard many, many things...I'm trained to hear them. what you have to say isn't going to hurt me.'

sweetie, she isn't going to make you do anything.
and as a matter of fact,she can't. If she could, you would have been talking a blue streak by now but you weren't ready and THAT IS OK.
Breathe... just calm down and breathe. She means you no harm. Maybe you can just tell yourself that and let things happen, a little or even a very little. let us know how you go and get some rest!

granite, it sounds scary AND good to me. I'm glad you could show your T that list and that she knows how you feel. I don't know what she means by the "outcome" first, but I know she won't scare you. She sounds very positive and compassionate too. You wrote that she seemed caring and understanding, and I can sense that from your post.

It's okay to be scared, but I think the major breakthrough is both yours and your Ts. You've been working so hard in therapy and it's showing. You don't have to talk when you can't. I think T understands this better now. I really do. It sounds positive but I know the scary feelings because it's something new. It will be okay, granite. I know it will.

Granite, it really sounds to me like t wants to help you and i think that is a good thing. ((((((((((Granite))))))))))))))

sending safe hugs

OMG i just woke up in the worst panic about everything .i just cant do this.if i am so out of controle when all T did was talk about talking about all this stuff.i have never brought up the fact that i am scared to talk.(I WOULD HAVE HAD TO TALK)it was just there.it is like the minute it was addressed in my therapy list it was like flood gates opened for my T.it was like she was waiting for me to bring it up in soome way.i so wish i didnt ever bring it up.she was so patient with me and understanding also,i dont think i have ever seen her be so much so.it is me and i know it and now i dont want to do it i want to take back everything i said and hide.the thing about words is once you use them you cant take them back.i know i cant do thins and have no idea how i can tell my T.i dont even want to go to T monday.god i hate me and the stupid things i do

Your T is NOT going to attack you or blame you or reject you. Neither are we.

We love and care about you, granite......and I think so does your T!
yes, what is said can't be unsaid......but then sometimes what is unsaid can hurt worse unsaid than if it is said! these words that you have, I think, are words from things that are sitting in you causing lots of hurt.....speaking of them will take away from the power that they have to hurt you. I know you are afraid of being overwhelmed.....you only have to say a little at a time, as you can....

granite, can you send her an email and tell her how scared you were and why?

(((((((((((Granite)))))))))))))

She isn't going to make you talk. She is just hoping to find a way to make it so you feel safe and comfortable talking.

Wow - great job Granite!

You have a T that listens and really cares about you.

Therapy will be done at your pace - she won't make you do things you are not comfortable with. I think this process will get you to acknowledge what it is that you want and need, and work backwards on how to get those things.
It doesn't sound like there's anything to worry about. I really believe you can trust this t

((((granite)))) Another baby step...that's all. T isn't going to be any different to you on Monday, think about it, she has never dissed you or attacked you or been irate with you. She will be gentle and loving. When I finally say something I've wanted to say I freak out...for days....but after a while I settle in. What you said is said...it's out, it doesn't have to be said again. You can cross it off of the LONG list of things you wish you could say.

granite: I never ever talked to my parents ABOUT the fact that I didn't talk to the relatives all the time it was going on, over 10 years. As an adult, I didn't talk about it until after I'd been in therapy for a few years. It was my awful secret though of course my parents knew!! It took a long time before I could discuss it in therapy other than it being about another little girl who didn't talk. But it helped me to talk about the not talking--in therapy.

Now that it's out in the open you and T know what you're dealing with. It is better although you are panicky right now. Like the others said, your T is the same. She is not going to make you talk when you don't want to. You're in charge of your therapy. You haven't done anything stupid! You're just scared right now. Can you do deep breathing? Relaxation exercises? Listen to calming music?

thanks pachy sometimes i need to hear the simple things over and over again. so far she hasnt done any of that

tell her you need that, or write it down and let her read it. it's a need I think she would be so glad to meet for you.

i love and care about all of you guys also you have all made things easier at one point or another

she knows this already.in fact she explained this stuff about 3 times and i still dont remember it.i just get scared and check outi have calmed down some and am thinking of e-mailing her to please try to explain it again that i am so scared and am changing my mind and dont want to do it.as far as she telling me thatshe isnt going to attack me or regect me.she has never regected me or attacked me that is what i meant to say not that she doesnt tell me she wont .but she wont say it unless i ask i am sure of that.she talked about that with me writing that wish i didnt feel like she was frustrated and angry with me.she said basically if i ask her she will tell me how she feels and i might be surprised.i wasnt able to risk asking her

rain you know the funny thing.remember when she would say she would rather i use words rather than letters and e-mails.she asked me yesterday if i have sent her any e-mails.that was confusing.she also wants me to check it out with her when i think she is feeling some wayi'm scared of her expectation that this will work.what if it doesnt what if i let her down so bad .and i cant talk.it is the same old story.i have never heard of this outcome first stuff who knows but it scares me

i am going to send her an e-mail maybe but i doubt she is in her office with this snow.she probibly wont be in untill monday now

thanks sitting i am calmer now than this morning.i keep trying to say she isnt going to cause any harm but i'm scared of my reaction to my thoughts and talking about them.do you think she knows how bad they are?