Rupture

Oh god, this just keeps getting worse. I just called t and spoke to her. It was pretty awful. I'm not in any condition to be able to type it out right now, but it was bad. I am dealing with some serious behavior issues with my boys today and it is all too much. I had to leave when they kept following me around the house to tell me how horrible I am. I'm just sitting in my car because I'm too drunk to drive. Today just keeps getting worse.

Totally hopeless.

zoo:

.... never mind

(((((((((Zoo)))))))))

I hope you can write it out if it helps and after you take some time to process everything. Please try to stay safe and keep in touch on here. I really feel for you and I sincerely hope everything works out soon, whatever that is. Sending you lots of support

I thought about calling group T earlier, actually. It's a possibility.

I'm going to assume you're just correcting my grammar. Thanks for the reminder that never mind is two words and not one. So helpful.

I'm going to assume you're just correcting my grammar. Thanks for the reminder that never mind is two words and not one. So helpful.[/quote]

No, had nothing to do with your grammar. I just decided not to say something.

you do know it's not actually necessary to post just to not say something, right?

Zoo, I had already typed it and entered it. I edited it out.

((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))) I've had so many ruptures with T, I know how painful they are. The last one started in July and it went on till the end of October last year. I couldn't cope with the pain, I took it out on myself, finally T and I were able to fix it and things are now so much better. I know it's hard to hear but this can be fixed. I hope you will think differently in the morning. I know it's hard to wait till Monday that you need T right now, but maybe giving it some time will help both of you. Please try to remember how much T has given you, how much she cares about you, how stressful their job is carrying all of our pain. You have made so much progress, please give T the benefit of explaining herself. Please try to go on Monday and hear her, if you don't like it then you can quit, but not like this. Not with all this pain and turnmoil. Give yourself that.

PS Please don't take it out on farmergirl, I read what she wrote, I understand why she deleted it. She cares and was trying to be helpful.

Zoo, I am going to give you some advice/instructions. I know how that feels!

When you feel totally frustrated and beyond control, and feel that something has to be done NOW, try this (I think it is called "paradoxical intention"): do NOTHING. Now that seems crazy; it seems like absolutely the wrong thing to do. It will be very hard to do. But try to simply soak in the feelings that you have -- THINK about the feelings, examine them. Do they remind you of something a long time ago? Do they remind you of how you were treated when you felt so bad, that something had to happen, that someone had to lock you in their protective arms and bring calm to you?

This is something that you will have to practice. It won't be easy. It will feel like the wrong thing to do: instead of having to force something to happen, to force someone to help you, do "nothing". Or what may seem like nothing. Sit in it. Think about it. Isn't it strange that you want to attack yourself, punish yourself? Where does that come from?

The advantage of engaging in this strange behavior is that you will find that you have it in own your power to cope -- you become less dependent on some outside person to make everything OK. Yes, it would be good if you had that someone. As a child you needed that someone, and probably did not get anyone to help you manage the terrible frustrations. But now you are big and intimidate others so that they can't think clearly that they could provide that reassurance to you. That's not good, but you can learn to do it for yourself! You can. Yes, you can, Zoo.

(((((((((((((((zoo))))))))))))))))

i'm so sorry everything is unraveling with you and T. it sounds so difficult. you will get thru this though and it doesn't have to be the end with T. allowing yourself to calm down over the next few days and revisiting things when you are in a less triggered place may actually be helpful. but in case it isn't here are some hugs:

((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))

((((( ZOO ))))))

ACK! I hate this for you....Emotions seem to be running high for you and T right now. And taking a step back may be what you both need - but I've found that it's so so so so so hard as the client to be able to do that, especially when you're not getting your needs met.

Monday seems so far away. I hope your T is in a better frame of mind today to understand what you need...and to take some ownership of what went wrong...I know both people play a role in it, but still, she has a part in this...

I think your T is having emotional fallout/burnout from the intensity of things recently between you two, as well. And as hard it sounds, I'm thinking pachyderm's advice sounds quite prudent....do nothing! Let it be, let her be....let her have some space maybe too to sort out her own emotions from all this....
I'm thinking of you and hoping for a calmer day for you, with grace and strength!

I'm saying do "nothing" -- what sounds like nothing -- but is in fact "something"!

I know. But it is the hardest 'something' to do because it feels like doing nothing, and I should know, as I've been there and it's hard work to just be with the highstrung feeling of anxiety pushing the urge to really DO something that feels more like doing something!

I know!

I think the urgent necessity for doing something was a truth originally. Now it really isn't, but our bodies/minds are telling us it still is.

I'm here. I'm confused and hurt and angry and so sad. But I'm here. I have to go to court with my boys this morning and it is maybe the last thing I want to do, but it is better than sitting home getting worked up about t. I don't know what will happen. I don't know. But I'm using my Mindfulness skills to just know what is happening in this moment and to not worry about what may happen next.

much better choices zoohard to do but much better choice

((( zoo )))

I'm glad you're doing something that will at least help get your mind off of what's going on with you and T right now, although I do understand that going to court is the last thing you'd want to do. I hope you consider doing some kind of activity for YOU at some point today to help you get through this difficult time. Thanks for checking in. I checked the posts several times this morning hoping to hear from you, because I'm worried and because I care.

You have a support system here. I know you know that.

((((Zoo))))

Thinking of you.

-Far

me too, Zoo.

T hung up on me again. I can't deal with this. At all.

Zooropa, warning: sometimes my comments can come across as crass.

You need to turn the mirror around and take a hard look at yourself. You need to take responsibility for yourself. No one can do that for you.

((((((((Zoo))))))))) Something is broken. It is hurting right now and will hurt.
You have to be there for yourself right now. Sometimes that is what it takes to make it through the darkness. You DO have the strength you need to make it.

T does not have to sleep in your skin. You alone sleep inside your own skin.
Be gentle with YOU.