Does love for T have to be transference?

How can I not LOVE my T? I emailed her that I felt like I did, but it was so incredibly hard to write that word. My little parts told her they loved her once but it seems like I, my whole Self, loves her. It doesn't seem like transference because of how open she is. I know her personality; she's not a blank screen. I know how much she likes me.

It's not addiction like with my other Ts. I really didn't love them. I wanted them to love me. I'm not the kind of person to tell friends that I love them. I'm only good at telling my kids and grandchildren that. It's even hard with my H.

I'm scared to death that I emailed T and used that word, but I couldn't think of another way to express what I feel for the way she treats me. It's a different kind of love. I don't know if I'm allowed to feel it. It makes me cry. I know I have to discuss it with her. It doesn't make me want more of her. I "have" her and that's the scary part.

It's normal. You are allowed to feel it. It's a unique relationship and non-romantic love is a good feeling to have. You love your friends, right? Nothing wrong with that, IMO

I feel like I really love my T, too. That we have a relationship that goes deeper than just therapist and patient, that it's between two people.

What you said:
That's really profound. I didn't realize it before you said it, but it's true of me, too. And I think that maybe the reason I can say that I love my T in a non-transference way is because somehow our relationship has shifted away from just me craving 'love' from her. It was definitely that at first. But now, it's just two people: me, and her.

-Far

Thank you!!!
lady, I am uncomfortable loving my friends. I never express love to them, so maybe it's a learning experience to do it with T.

far, I SO much need to be validated for this and not told it's wrong. That's exactly how I feel: that we're two people who care for each other a lot. That statement is not going to go over big with those who say therapy is just a business arrangement, but I feel sorry for those who feel that way. Like you, I don't crave love from my T because she freely gives it to me!!!

My simple answer to your question? No! We do not have to think of it that way. I feel like I love my T, too.....I don't really feel like saying that word to her (for some reason, it's easy for me to think/feel, hard to say anyway), but I certainly believe I do love her in a way that fits in the frame of our therapeutic connection but also includes how I see her as a person, how I react to her as a person, a feeling that has developed and evolved with the passing of time and experiences with her in therapy.
Of course, transference is a thing that is everywhere in many of our every day interactions anyway.....it exists in T relationships, and in other relationships too, certainly. But I don't like to say that transference is the reason I love anyone.......I don't love someone because of a positive first impression or because they remind me of someone else I love.....I love because it is my reaction to how I perceive and experience them as a person over time.
I don't have the mentality to really express my thoughts/feelings on this very well today.....just that love is a complex emotional experience, and even if I don't understand it, I am so glad I am able to love and love deeply....

I gotta disagree with this, sorry rainbow

At the end of the day, as HORRIBLE as it feels for me to admit that I don't love her, it really comes down to a business relationship to me. She sees many other clients. Many times I have to remind her of something we talked about in the past, and that's OK, because it makes me learn that I am not as important to her as she is to me, as harsh as that sounds. It is also very expensive, as you know. I have spent literally thousands of dollars on it. And I want that boundary, too. If I was unable to keep paying, we would have to say peace out, and I know I would never see her again for the rest of my life.

I know T cares a lot about me, and I care about her. However, I know very little about her as a person. I would like to think she is the same way outside of the office, but who knows? I would never ask her any personal questions because therapy is about me. I have agonized a lot over what this relationship really is. I was very young when I started seeing her, and now that I am a little more mature I can see it for what it truly is.

These are just my own thoughts on it, not judging anyone else if they really do love their therapists. I'm glad you do.

I appreciate and agree with much of what you say, wowy......but I guess for myself I decided to allow myself to love my T anyway, despite it not being possible for her to return it in the same measure and not expecting her to return it in whatever measure I might feel I wanted her to. Better to accept it as it is than fight it, question it, wish it different, for me....... Allowing myself the liberty to just feel it is healing in itself, too, I think....

WOWY, I want to comment on what you wrote because you said it so respectfully and I didn't get defensive. I know there's truth in what you say, and that therapy is different for everyone. I have always felt that I wanted too much from my Ts; everyone knows that's my issue! Ts have shattered my dreams for years, as I called it. But this time it's different, and I don't need anyone to validate that for me because I feel it and I trust it! Maybe that's the Self my T wants me to have. She told me she doesn't WANT to "shatter my dreams". That alone is enough to make me love her. But she's not going to be my friend or my mother.

I think I finally "get it". I'm not in denial about who my T is. I SEE it in her. She's my THERAPIST and I can still love her!!

That's so great, I'm glad you can allow yourself to feel that way. Everyone's therapy experience is deeply personal and individualistic. Again, not criticizing ANYONE ELSE here, just sharing what therapy means to me.

That's wonderful, and I'm glad you feel so comfortable with what your therapeutic relationship means to you. I'm glad you didn't take offense to anything I said. I wanted it to sound the least harsh way. Many people—including T, my mom, my sister, et. al.—say one of my cardinal traits is brutal honesty.

That's true, everyone's therapy experience is different because everyone and their T's are different.....I'm glad we can share honestly and harmoniously, even if our views and experiences are different.

this thread reminds me of what happened to me yesterday:

On Monday night, I was robbed on the subway. I am OK, the punk grabbed my cell phone...he didn't accost me or anything. It was a grab and run. Well, that was my only phone. T and I were supposed to talk last night (Tuesday night). I called her about an hour after the robbery (as soon as I could get to a phone) and told her I was going to have to cancel our phone session because I didn't have a phone anymore and had nowhere else where I could have privacy. After I hung up, my aunt told me to use her cell phone until I got another one. So I called T again (an hour and a half after I made the first call) and said that I did have a phone and I could keep the appointment after all.

She called me back yesterday, and said she had checked her voice messages in between my 2 calls, so she immediately made plans to do something else with that time that I cancelled. Now that stung, I must admit. I did not tell her I felt that way. I just told myself later, "wowy, it's OK, it will be alright. She had every right to do what she did, and if you were in a similar position you would do the same thing. That's her boundary." That's how I am able to sort out that I am not as important to my therapist as she is to me. I'm the one doing all the "giving", so to speak. And that's OK.

This rings so true for me. This is actually a core issue I'm working through in therapy right now. I wrote a letter to my T a few weeks ago, reading it to him in session, basically telling him everything I have been afraid to say out loud. Confessing how much I depend on him, rely on him for support and comfort...and how uncomfortable that is for me. I recently got out of a 5 year relationship, and relied on my boyfriend for that love and all of a sudden felt a huge void. I felt like my T was filling some of that void and I felt this strong attachement that I've never felt. Since giving that letter to him, our sessions have evolved into something completely different. It is much more raw and real, he knows most everything I'm worried about. He reassures me that it is pretty normal for me, to become dependent on someone and be afraid that it is too much for them to handle. He keeps telling me to let him take care of himself, I'm not too much for him. He also told me that he isn't going to be everything I want him to be...he won't live up to my expectations and there might be a point that he can't take care of me the way I want him too. We are working through what he says are BIG issues I've always struggled with...how much of me is too much for other people, how dependent can I become on someone before they push me away, am I being too needy. He calls it my "weebles wobble but they don't fall down" technique...everytime I start to feel something a little too much, I immediatly bounce back to my safe place.

Anyway, I think I got a little off topic, but my point is this...recently we have been working on letting me feel needy, dependent, attached, and being ok with it. I do love my T, as much as I hate to admit it. BUT, I'm starting to become ok with it and stop fighting every urge I have to run away. I know that it isn't all about T either, it quite possibly goes WAY deeper

I feel like a lot of your post was about me! I wrote mine a long letter a couple months ago about all that attachment stuff, and realizing that I was expecting way too much out of T, she can't ultimately fulfill all my needs. I revealed that I was crying as I was writing it, because it was so hard for me to realize I had to let go of something that had given me so much comfort for so long. It was the hardest thing ever. Our sessions got a lot more raw immediately.

Wowy, I'm glad you get it...its amazing how some of us have been through the same exact situations. How did your T react to the letter?

does love for T have to be transference?

sorry, but the Ts will say yes, won't they.

SAWE: But MINE won't!

She said I was gutsy and courageous, and most patients won't tell their T's they're attached even though they are because the research proves it. She did not make me feel ashamed at all for anything I said. She talked to me over an hour and a half about it because I think she could tell I was really rattled. I kept waiting for her to say "well we need to stop for tonight", but she did not.

I do love my T. He wouldn't say it's transference...we do talk sometimes about how my reactions to things in therapy are partly reactions to what's really happening now, and partly reactions to old things...so he's never really black and white with transference anyhow.

But, after 3 1/2 years, I truly, truly love my T as a person. I feel lucky to have him.

No, love for T doesn't have to be transference only. It's best if it works out that way, but if it's fed and allowed to grow, then it only makes matters worse for you and jeopardizes your therapy and healing.

But why even think about this? You have a strong connection with your T that is great! We use the word love because, well, that's the closest thing we have to what is felt in such a relationship. But it is a relationship like no other (or should be.) And there just isn't one word that describes it, other than our idea of "love" imo.

You do need a good connection with your T to help you in the healing process. Don't worry about it, whether it's transference or not. You might be just a little bit cautious about "feeding" it though, in case it tries to take over your relationship. (You might desire to know where T lives, and even drive by... but don't do that all the time, don't send T presents and cards at T's home, those are ways you feed it. Those are inappropriate for the therapeutic relationship.)

But enjoying the safety and the warm fuzzy feeling you might get by knowing that you love your T and your T cares very much for you and your well-being? Ahhh that's just plain wonderful!

Thanks, JD. The love IS the healing part for me, at least for now!! I won't drive by my T's house again and I'd never send anything to her home address. The relationship is good the way it is.

I'm thinkng about it because....I just am! Because I feel so good to feel the way I do. I'm not used so being so close to people so it's an amazing feeling for me. I just want to cuddle up with the warm feeling and hold onto it forever!!

wowy and Sweetlove: I have had to tell my Ts about the attachment to them because it's the issue that bothers me the most. I've also gone over and over the "you're not going to be able to give me what I want" and "you can't meet my needs" and "you've shattered my dreams." That happened with my former T and she made me cry and cry about it. But there's a middle ground! My T is giving me more and filling me up with some of what was missing. It CAN be done. You don't have to be miserable because of the attachment. Sweetlove, you're right that you can accept it, limitations and all, and love your T for what you CAN get from her.

tree: thank you. I know you love your T. I feel the same way about mine. I should have had a different title for this thread. I know already that it's not all transference, though some may be.

I feel like I'm getting into another one of these threads where it's debated. I didn't want that. I could kick myself. I didn't learn not to ask a question I don't want opinions on.

What I really wanted to say was how scared of LOVE I am. Transference or not, that's the point of my thread. It's scary for me. Not what it is or if it's good or bad for me. It just IS important in my therapy right now. Can I do this thread over?

Just sharing my experience. Again, it wasn't my intention to criticize or debate you.

I know that. I was just feeling a little rejected and also realized it's my fault for starting threads that make me feel that way. I do it to myself, and it's something I'm in the middle of discussing with my T. We didn't get to talk more about it last time. I should have titled it differently. That's all.
I said I don't need validation but I guess I'm still working on it. You didn't do a thing wrong, wowy! It's me.

I think it's cool, rainbow, that in carrying on with this thread, you were able to identify what it is that you REALLY need. That's how therapy often works for me...T and I kind of flounder around, and as I figure out what I DON'T need, what I actually DO need starts to come into focus.

SO, it sounds like what you need is to talk about how scary love is for you.

Love is scary for me too. For me, it's not the giving of love...that is very easy for me. I love my friends, and I freely tell them that, in those words. I love my H and my kids and my T, and I tell them all that I love them. It is a big, warm, good, feeling for me. I like to nurture and care for and see other people be happy.

Accepting love is what's hard (almost impossible) for me. It's hard and scary and sometimes just makes me feel icky. Ugh.

And I just had the "my love is stupid" moment in therapy, and that really hurt and made me sad and is where we're kind of stuck right now. Not stuck, but working, I guess.

I've thought A LOT in therapy about what a complicated issue love can be. It feels like it shouldn't be so hard, but for me, it is.

to you, rainbow!

Thank you again, tree. I read over my first post and I did say I was scared about love. I just chose the wrong title.

I'm scared of accepting love too. I don't feel like I deserve it. I feel guilty when I start threads and I get responses and hugs. That scares me too. I'm scared of my T and how loving towards me she is.

I feel love inside for my family and friends but I'm not good at expressing it. I used to feel uncomfortable when my friends would hug. I held back. Same in a group therapy I was in once. My T was surprised a few weeks ago when I approached her to give her a hug before I even sat down. She was pleased, but surprised!

So, I'm afraid of feeling love for my T. It was always easier and more comfortable to feel addicted to my Ts. Love is more real. Once I told my former T that I thought I loved her but voices were telling me it was wrong and not allowed. I feel the same way about my T now though not as much because I know she will welcome my love. I can see her smiling. She was touched when my child parts told her they loved her before her trip. But I didn't come right out and say it. I said "the child parts want to tell you that they love you". It's never direct.

I'm sure there's transference involved too because I don't remember telling my Mom "I love you" though I did love her. It was SO hard to tell my father in his last year that I loved him but I did. It was hard for him to say it to me too, I noticed.

So, I don't care whether it's transference or not. I'll leave that up to my T who always tells me "don't try to figure it out". If I'd only listen to her more!