My very kind, very gentle new T who asks me every single week how she can help me? what do I need? where should we go today on our healing journey?

I get so mad at those questions, because I just DON'T KNOW. I don't know what I need. I don't know how to feel better. I don't know where I need to go to heal. I don't.

So today, she tried a different approach and drew a diagram for me and then asked me "where should we go today?" and I got so upset. I didn't really yell, but I snapped back at her. WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME THAT? I DON'T KNOW!

And I told her maybe I'm just wasting my time and her time because I don't know what I need out of therapy. I'm not ready to receive kindness and support on a deep level because I don't feel safe yet.

WELL, I think it was a turning point. I was angry and crying and she grabbed my hand and said "it's okay to not know." and then she explained why she keeps asking me the same questions and what she hopes to accomplish by that (that eventually, little by little I will get more in touch with my needs). She explained how not knowing/honoring my needs was survival for so long, etc.

Something shifted. Like, my anger/exacerbation broke the ice and T suddenly seemed more real to me. She didn't get mad at my anger or defensive. She seemed pleased by it, actually, which surprised me.

That happened at the beginning of the session, too, so we had about 50 minutes left to talk about other stuff.

I'm not sure what else to say about it. I'm just breathing a big sigh of relief.

[sittingatwatersedge]

**** of a system, ain't it Griffinp? somehow it seems to work though.

Happy for you

[SpiritRunner]

you know, it sounds like what happened was the right thing to happen, like a breakthrough! she really sounds like a good, caring T.

[Yoda]

I hope this will be the start of being able to work on what you need most in your life.

Originally Posted by griffinp

WELL, I think it was a turning point. I was angry and crying and she grabbed my hand and said "it's okay to not know."

Something shifted. Like, my anger/exacerbation broke the ice and T suddenly seemed more real to me. She didn't get mad at my anger or defensive. She seemed pleased by it, actually, which surprised me.

I'm not sure what else to say about it. I'm just breathing a big sigh of relief.

Relief is a good thing! Not knowing what you need is normal. A good therapist will coach you and help you figure that out. It is funny how therapists see things in a different light. Like seeming to be pleased that you showed some anger. They see that as progress!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by griffinp

Something shifted. Like, my anger/exacerbation broke the ice and T suddenly seemed more real to me.

Ahhhh, very good!! Maybe what made her seem more real was because you acted more real by showing your true feelings?

[WePow]

AWESOME WORK !!!!! That is exactly what needed to happen! Keep just going and being real in this way. Nothing fake. No acting. No putting-on-a-show. You were legit and real. That is what you needed to do.

Thanks for the encouragement. I do feel better.

T encourages me to email, and I sent her a message just now telling her I am feeling more trust building, but I also asked her to reassure me that she will always be genuine with me. I need to know she is, in fact, being real and not just following some T script, you know? And how do I know she won't turn on me?

I'm curious how she'll respond. Not nervous or anxious, though. Just curious.

I just wonder if it's possible to be reassured of that, to build trust with words, or if it just takes lots of time?