[WikidPissah]

I read so many posts about painful attachments and transference, and I wonder how freaking weird I am to not experience all of that. I feel like a moron who just isn't getting it right. But I like my T, and I feel like I am communicating for the first time.

for example: I don't consider T's office a warm comfy place. Many people are in and out of there, there are germs on everything. I hate being face to face behind a closed door. I can't look him in the eyes and I can barely speak. So I don't get the warm fuzzies about going, in fact my anxiety level increases as I force myself out of the door.

When appts are canceled, a huge sense of relief comes over me, like thank God I don't have to do that this week. But I don't ever feel like quitting, I mean I feel it's pointless at times, but I've never walked out, quit or whatever.

I seldom phone, I just don't think "call T" when I am in crisis...I white knuckle it, use bad coping skills, whatever. I do email once a week as a form of communicating things that are relevant to talk about in the next session.

I do care a little too much about what he thinks of me. I need reassurance all the time. I just got an email this morning that says "I do not think you are a piece of *****". That was in response to my mid week email thoughts. The fact that I "need" that assurance makes me want to puke.

Am I alone in these feelings? Can you do T without being wicked attached?

Disclaimer: I don't mean to belittle anyone, I think the bonds you form with your T's are incredible and brave...I just wonder if my lack of ability to attach will make Therapy useless for me.

Eileen, I don't go throught the transference and attachment issues either, but that doesn't make my therapy experience any less useful. Don't worry about it. Your therapy experience is your therapy experience. I don't think transference and attachment issues are a prerequisite for good therapy. Personally, I think they'd get in my way.

You are not out of place here. What we read here does seem to mostly be about transference and attachment issues, but I'm not sure that's even the norm. After all, who's to say this place is "normal"

[MoAnamCara]

Eileen -

i think we are all different. i think t for everyone is a different experience. when i first started reading posts here i felt as you feel, honestly.

i dont have huge warm and fuzzies either but i know my t is invested in me and cares about me improving and moving forward. i know that because of her words and actions. in my case im only three months into t and i know it takes time to trust and build a mutually respectful bond that allows for sharing and healing.

i completely understand the germ thing, im not completely comfortable in the office - i find the couch uncomfortable so sit in a wierd position to make myself more comfy.

i dont think you are out of place at all - again, we are all different. you cant compare one persons experience with anothers in t because there are just so many variables. just go with it, dont worry or question it too much.

please take care.

[Melbadaze]

I think some focus to much on other peoples experiences. I guess a good question to measure your own therapy experience is, "How do I feel now I'm in therapy"? some therapys are different, some are just about teaching skills, some are about the relationship..but if you feel progress in what you went into therapy for then why worry about it? Or if "you" dont feel progress then perhaps theres a sneaking feeling that your and I dont mean "you" personally, but perhaps some don't feel any life changes and secretly wonder if the therapy they are in is helping??

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

I just wonder if my lack of ability to attach will make Therapy useless for me.

Do you think you are not attached to your T? I didn't get that from what you wrote. You don't have to phone all the time, have transference, etc. in order to be attached.

I am not painfully attached to my T either. We do have a strong bond and I am securely attached, and that works well for me. I do not phone or email between sessions--crisis or not. In fact, I dislike having to phone my T. I do not have transference. I don't feel like quitting. I don't want to quit because I find therapy so valuable and I like my T. I have never walked out.

Eileen, your therapy experience doesn't sound that unusual to me--certainly not abnormal--and I hope you will post more about it!

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

I read so many posts about painful attachments and transference, and I wonder how freaking weird I am to not experience all of that.

for example: I don't consider T's office a warm comfy place. Many people are in and out of there, there are germs on everything. I hate being face to face behind a closed door. I can't look him in the eyes and I can barely speak.

I seldom phone, I just don't think "call T" when I am in crisis...I white knuckle it, use bad coping skills, whatever.

I do care a little too much about what he thinks of me. I need reassurance all the time.

Am I alone in these feelings? Can you do T without being wicked attached?

Disclaimer: I don't mean to belittle anyone, I think the bonds you form with your T's are incredible and brave...I just wonder if my lack of ability to attach will make Therapy useless for me.

Eileen,

I totally relate to what you are saying. I didn't understand all the attachment, transference, and thinking about therapists all the time. I still don't understand the attachment that some have with their therapists.

After months of therapy, tearing down the walls I was hiding behind, and allowing myself to trust my therapist, I did begin to experience feelings for her. I did not understand them at all. It bothered me a lot!

I don't want to have that kind of attachment to my therapist. I think the ones on here that have that, probably wish they were not so attached. Maybe this comes from experiences they have had (or are having) that cause them to latch onto the only safe person they have in their life?

You are not alone in the not being able to make eye contact, thinking about germs, and not feeling like the office is warm and cozy. I don't think about calling my therapist all the time, but I do communicate through email with her. This is how I process and how we work on part of my therapy. It works for us, but I understand that it obviously is not working for others on here.

I made the mistake of reading things on here and wondering if I would go through that, or if there was something wrong with me if I didn't. Not sure you remember that thread, but it was really a touchy subject.

[Fartraveler]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

. . . I can't look him in the eyes and I can barely speak. So I don't get the warm fuzzies about going, in fact my anxiety level increases as I force myself out of the door.
. ..
I do care a little too much about what he thinks of me. I need reassurance all the time. I just got an email this morning that says "I do not think you are a piece of *****". That was in response to my mid week email thoughts. The fact that I "need" that assurance makes me want to puke.
. . .
I just wonder if my lack of ability to attach will make Therapy useless for me.

Actually, the uncomfortable feelings you describe seem to me like attachment. 'secure' (warm-fuzzy) attachment isn't the only kind.

Adults have four attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant. The secure attachment style in adults corresponds to the secure attachment style in children. The anxious-preoccupied attachment style in adults corresponds to the anxious/ambivalent attachment style in children. However, the dismissive avoidant attachment style and the fearful avoidant attachment style, which are distinct in adults, correspond to a single avoidant attachment style in children. The descriptions of adult attachment styles offered below are based on the relationship questionnaire devised by Bartholomew and Horowitz[6] and on a review of studies by Pietromonaco and Barrett.[7]

from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

I think that my own very strong reaction to my T (which has not always been positive, and has definitely included a lot of extreme anxiety) is in part due to my not having a secure attachment style.

[lastyearisblank]

From reading your description it does sound like you are attached! I think there is a big difference how intense a relationship is and how real the connection is. You can have a very angsty shallow relationship between two people that don't know each other well. You can have a deep relationship with little or no drama. And sometimes, you can have both a very deep meaningful attachment, that also involves a lot of angst and that seems the roughest to go through. I agree with you that it seems to be the norm in therapy. But I am really cautious about saying the angst is what makes for the attachment. I am not sure if that is always a good thing in fact, for one thing, objectively, relationships take two sides. It is easier not to worry about emails or phone calls, when the other person is fairly consistent. But on the other hand, I think a lot of people who experience intense anger, yearning, and whatever other things for their therapist, might be in the perfect position to benefit from therapy. As long as that relationship is safe.

I don't mind a certain amount of drama in my relationships- part of the reason I started therapy in the first place, was to figure out 1) who is am and 2) what it means to be attached. I hate stormy relationships but am willing to stick it out for the ride. But I certainly don't think that what you've described is unusual. I think it sounds like a good healthy relationship!

[elliemay]

I do not think you are out of place here at all. Everyone's therapy is different.

I think we even go through different phases of therapy -where attachment becomes an issue, other times not.

However, I'm not convinced that "white knuckling" it or using bad coping skill is something you have to do. I mean it doesn't mean that you wickedly attached to call you therapist when you are in crisis.

I mean you wouldn't hesitate to call a physician if you were sick.

In times like that I think it is less important to worry about attachment and more important to get some support from somewhere.

I have told my therapist that he needs to get one of those disposable plastic covers for his sofa, and change it between patients. Or at least lysol the place down.

He did get a leather sofa that likely harbors fewer germs than that snot rag of a couch that he had previously, but still. I totally hear you about the germs.

[Sweetlove]

Eileen, people get all different kinds of things out of therapy...there is no one right way to do it. If what you are doing and expiriencing is working for you then do it. This is about you, no one else.

I have been seeing my T for just over a year and about 3 months ago I stared to expirience a bit of attachement and dependency...it felt like I was just starting to know him...like I hadn't been seeing him for the 9 months before. This was just after my boyfriend of 6 years had broken up with me...so I know why I was expiriencing the attachment. Before this T, I had been with another T for almost 7 years (a female) and never expirienced those feelings. I did like her very much but the relationship got a bit too comfortable, like a friendship, and after a while it wasn't productive.

Every situation is different...not better or worse, as long as it works for you that's all that matters. Take care

[Sannah]

Eileen, yes, we are all different and need different things (though sometimes we do need the same things). I hope you learn to honor yourself more and what you need. I didn't attach to my therapists. I treated it like a business relationship where I benefitted immensely from their services. That's where I was then. That was what I needed. Now, I believe that I would attach more because this is where I am at now.

[WikidPissah]

Thanks everyone for all the encouragement. Maybe I am slightly attached. I know I have a bond with him, in that I really respect his ideas and opinions. I also have formed some trust with him, which has always been an issue for me. I do like him, but I wouldn't freak out if I had to stop T though. weird.

About calling in crisis....I wouldn't call my primary doc
if I were really sick either...I am very independent, and have a hard time relinquishing that to anyone.
Maybe that's the difference in a nutshell

I am definitely going to look more into those attachment styles.

[ladyjrnlist]

I think you just answered your own question with your statement about being independent. Nothing wrong with that. We all get what we need to get out of good therapy. Perhaps warm and fuzzy attachment is not what you need and that is perfectly OK>

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

Thanks everyone for all the encouragement. Maybe I am slightly attached. I know I have a bond with him, in that I really respect his ideas and opinions. I also have formed some trust with him, which has always been an issue for me. I do like him, but I wouldn't freak out if I had to stop T though. weird.

About calling in crisis....I wouldn't call my primary doc
if I were really sick either...I am very independent, and have a hard time relinquishing that to anyone.
Maybe that's the difference in a nutshell

I am definitely going to look more into those attachment styles.

I think it's important to remember that attachment and transference looks different for different people.

The fact that you struggled to trust him and feel nervous/anxious about going signals to me that there is some transference feelings there.

I agree with others that it seems very normal.

Everyone has their own path and own T journey as unique as we each are

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by griffinp

The fact that you struggled to trust him and feel nervous/anxious about going signals to me that there is some transference feelings there.

Not sure if that's transference, I don't trust anyone outside of my home, and my anxiety about going is more about being in a contaminated environment than about talking with him.

[Melbadaze]

but where did you learn that the enviroment could be contaimnated?

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

Not sure if that's transference, I don't trust anyone outside of my home, and my anxiety about going is more about being in a contaminated environment than about talking with him.

From the medical dictionary on my shelf:

"...transference is an unconscious defense mechanism whereby feelings and attitudes originally associated with important people and events in one's early life are attributed to other people and events in current interpersonal situations."

So, I wonder where in your earlier life you picked up anxiety about being in a contaminated environment? or trusting anyone outside your home?

I think part of the problem is that people sometimes assume that "transference" ALWAYS looks like a longing for attachment, or romantic feelings or harsh feelings like anger. When in fact, transference can be any any old feeling or script from earlier in your life that you apply to a current situation.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

About calling in crisis....I wouldn't call my primary doc if I were really sick either...I am very independent, and have a hard time relinquishing that to anyone.

Hey Eileen.
I can so relate to this. It's been hard for me to ask for help. Now I think it is a useful thing to try to learn. I have spent a long time assuming the less space or time I take up the better, the less I need to rely on others the better. My motto has always been "we come into this world alone (aside from God) and we leave alone, so we better get used to it." But, then here I am relating with you. So. I'm now trying to learn how to reach out and ask for help when needed... and yet still feel empowered.
This is an interesting question (to me). Why do relationships with others & asking for help or self-care etc. Why does this take away our power? Independence = stregth/safety. Why?
Not sure about any of this, if it's helpful. Just thought I'd share.
Supportive thoughts your way.

[purple_fins]

I agree with a lot that's been said here. Therapy is VERY individual, there is no right way to be in it or wrong way to be in it.(IMO)

I think some people that may have differing experiences than you are just having different issues than yours... some may have their "borderline" traits come out a lot and others may lean towards the "histrionic" side-- just to name a few...... maybe you don't have many of those kinds of traits-- it doesn't mean you are doing therapy wrong. OR that you shouldn't be working with a therapist or that you are lacking an important part. It just means that you have other issues that you work on and that show in varying ways.

I don't post much here as I feel my therapy is VERY private and-- I have huge trust issues!!! I also struggle to have the "spotlight" on me I HATE it, and often feel extremely uncomfortable. (attention was almost always a negative as a child-- and often resulted in fins "disappearing")

Seems you are doing a fantastic job!
I wish you the best.

fins

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

but where did you learn that the enviroment could be contaimnated?

Knowing a waiting room is germ infested...that's just common knowledge

Originally Posted by griffinp

From the medical dictionary on my shelf:

"...transference is an unconscious defense mechanism whereby feelings and attitudes originally associated with important people and events in one's early life are attributed to other people and events in current interpersonal situations."

So, I wonder where in your earlier life you picked up anxiety about being in a contaminated environment? or trusting anyone outside your home?

The germ thing, that's not early life...that's from caring for an immune deficient daughter, and from doing chemo...I have to be germ aware.

The trust thing...yea early life. I was thinking of transference as being a T thing, but I guess it's more of a learned behavior thing?
lightbulb!!! I never saw it as a lifestyle thing. Good point.

Originally Posted by Elana05

Why do relationships with others & asking for help or self-care etc. Why does this take away our power? Independence = stregth/safety. Why?
Not sure about any of this, if it's helpful. Just thought I'd share.
Supportive thoughts your way.

Not sure asking for help takes your power away. I am not sure where I am at on that one, I just know that I don't have any desire to reach out. Not yet anyways....but like someone else said, that's not what I need right now.