[WikidPissah]

Since the mastectomy and reconstruction I've been struggling a bit. I celebrated being cancer free...and I am SO grateful it's over...and I am totally AWARE of how lucky I am...

That being said, it's hard to see my body look Frankenstein-ish. I am having flashbacks of thing that were said about my body as a child. I feel kind of freakish and weird. It's really difficult to explain. A big part of it is that the whole ordeal required/is requiring lots of photos...and they're not of my face.

So I have had several mini-meltdowns, and I had a major meltdown in T's office this week. I was frozen in the chair...hunching over, trying to disappear into the floor. Not crying...it was worse than crying, it was that uncontrollable feeling of rage/shame that makes you feel dark and soul-less.

T pulled his chair (office chair with wheels) in really really close. I could hear him breathing. He kept talking calmly, although I can't remember a thing he said, just that I was dying inside. He touched my knee. I froze. I hate being touched, and I thought he knew that. I wanted so badly to start swinging.

The only thing that came out of my mouth was "I f'ing hate you, get away from me" He didn't flinch. Didn't move an inch. Once again touched my knee. It felt like an hour. At this point I remember him saying "I'm not going anywhere" and I cussed some more and he said "I'm still not going anywhere"... and all that was coming from my mouth was a stream of expletives and crap a proper woman would never utter out loud. Yet he didn't back away.

I still don't like to be touched. I don't like anyone that close to me...what if I smell bad, or have germs, or something. I don't want anyone seeing "me".

Why is this T so damn different than all the others. Why do I actually "like" him? Why am I letting him in so damn close? I want to send him an email that says "never, ever touch me again"... but some sick part of me didn't mind so much. And I keep thinking he's not afraid of me. My inherent yuckiness doesn't scare him.

((((((((((((((((Eileen)))))))))))))))))

SO much pain. I'm sorry

It's not "sick" to not mind him being close. He ISN'T afraid of you. He knows that the "inherent yuckiness" that you feel isn't the Truth.

Sometimes when I am in those dark places of shame and self-loathing, T tells me "what you feel is not who you are". What you feel is not who you are.

My T told me once that if he loves and values me, that it makes me angry and want to run or fight, because it means that MY reality, that I am unworthy, icky, dirty, etc. might not be true, and it's hard to hold both of those at once. And for me, it's scary.

You've been through a lot. A LOT. I'm sure there is a ton of grief and anger and fear and a zillion other feelings that you need to work through. It sounds like T is right there next to you, ready to help. For me, the only way out is to just feel what I feel - no matter how awful it is. And you're doing it.

Having said all of that ^ , if you really don't want T to touch you, that is a boundary you can set. But if you are just scared that somehow his touch will make him "see" the things about you that you believe are bad, I don't think you have anything to worry about. T sees your goodness, and accepts you just how you are.

to you

[SpiritRunner]

((((eileen)))) you are not sick, not at all - just dealing with huge, deep pain, and fear, too. but your T is not afraid of your pain and does not think you are sick or vile or disgusting or unworthy. he values you, cares about you and your pain and isn't going to run away......let yourself accept his care and let yourself accept that he accepts you!

[rainbow8]

((((((Eileen))))))

I am sorry you are in such pain. Though it is such a relief for your surgery and reconstruction to be over, I know the emotional reactions are complicated and understandably difficult. I think your T is showing you that he is there for you and he does not see you any differently from before. He won't leave you just because you feel bad about yourself. He will accept your cursing and all of your feelings.

I understand about touch. I'm afraid for the same reasons. What if my T is repulsed by me? I'm too icky to be touched, etc. But I saw that she didn't feel that way so now I feel good about it. It's not sick to not want the touch and like it at the same time. I thought "How can she want to/let me hold her hand?" It's gross--two women, etc. But it's not like that at all. It's just pure healing. I hope it will be healing for you, but I agree with tree. If you can't stand it, tell your T.

[granite1]

wow to feel such yuck.i am sorry.i dont think it is sick at all and i am glad your t is thare for you.i hope you will be able to let him you deserve it

[Sweetlove]

Eileen, I am so sorry you feel so horrible about this...it isn't sick to feel this way, I'm sure you fear of touch goes much deeper and this really has nothing to do with your T's touch. (even though you probably already know this)

Honestly, I thought what he did was amazing, and the way you articulated it was beautiful. I could see you hunched over and your T sitting close with his hand on your knee. I could see your pain and how distraught you were being touched. And my favorite part is when your T kept telling you he wasn't going anywhere. I think he told you exactly what you needed to hear, over and over, until you really listened. My hope is that you don't feel sick for wanting him to touch you, because I think theres a big part that wanted it and didn't want to fight it...you deserve every ounce of love and support from him and everyone else. Hang in there

[WikidPissah]

ugh. I don't want to do this. seriously. I don't think I can go back next week.

[deliquesce]

one day at a time, eileen. just focus on today, on right this moment, and how you can make it work best for you .

[ladyjrnlist]

I'm sure you are still just as beautiful as ever. Your T probably was trying to get through to you with the touch. Take it as a good thing, he meant well. He meant to let you know he cares. You can talk about that with him when you feel better. Congrats, you are a true survivor.

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

ugh. I don't want to do this. seriously. I don't think I can go back next week.

((((((((((Eileen)))))))))))))

Deli is right. Just get through today. One day at a time. One MINUTE at a time. However you are right this second is OKAY Breathe. Be gentle with you.

Does mindfulness help you? Sometimes if I can REALLY get present - listen to the sounds around me, feel the chair I'm sitting on, hold a cup of hot tea and sip it, feel myself breathe - I can take a break from all of the scary stuff from yesterday and from tomorrow.

to you.