So, I met with newT today and we talked about trust and connection and she said she was so glad I was beginning to feel that connection with her, because that's where the work happens, etc.

Then we veered off and talked about my week and touched on a handful of important topics and never really got into anything deep, which is fine....except I hate leaving feeling like we just chit-chatted, you know? So I actually told her that...that I was frustrated because we touched on a bunch of stuff and stirred some things up and now it was almost time to leave and I'd be alone to sort it all out for another week.

She thanked me for telling her and then asked me what I need to leave feeling safe (see my previous post about yelling at T for asking me this question too much), and again I said I JUST DON'T KNOW.

So she threw out a bunch of suggestions--she could talk more with oldT and get her insight, or we could do sessions 2x per week, which she has offered before. I told her I don't like that idea...logistically and financially it's just too hard to do 2x/week.

So then, she offered 2-hr sessions once per week for the same cost I'm paying now. I told her I'd feel bad about that. But she assured me that it's fine and the center where she practices offers this arrangement to several clients.

So I sat for a moment and thought about it, and decided to give it a try...I would like to have more time to settle in and talk without feeling rushed and without leaving feeling so raw. So I accepted her offer and thanked her.

So she followed me out to reception to tell the office staff person about the new price, and her next client was sitting right there and she said hi to her. Actually, the whole waiting room was full of clients. Then, in front of everyone, she gave me a huge hug and said "see you next week!"

I'm just sort of dumbfounded. Not sure what to make of any of it.

I get that she is trying REALLY hard to figure out what I need and help me heal, but for some reason, the harder she tries, the worse I feel. I feel guilty.

And while I love that she hugged me, I couldn't help but wonder what everyone in the waiting room thought of that, esp. her next client, who was literally 3 feet away.

My head is spinning. I just don't know what to think of any of it. Part of me really really wants to flee, and I could use some perspective. Do you think T is just trying to help me and is doing good things here? Why am I so scared??

[Sannah]

You feel guilty for getting attention? This must go back to your past. Did you get attention or ask for it? What would happen if you asked for attention?

Originally Posted by Sannah

You feel guilty for getting attention? This must go back to your past. Did you get attention or ask for it? What would happen if you asked for attention?

I feel guilty that she is trying so hard and that I don't know what I need and therefore can't communicate that clearly to her.

I feel uncomfortable with and untrusting of attention, but I don't feel guilty about it.

[Sannah]

Maybe she should stop asking you then and help you try to figure out what you need?

[SpiritRunner]

It feels frustrating to feel a need and yet not feel able to clearly communicate it or know how to communicate it......I have had that feeling, sitting in my T's office too, when she says, what can I do to help you right now/what can I give you right now? And I'm like....umm, uh, shrug my shoulders......I don't know!
But I think it is wonderful that this T is working hard to think of ways that she can help you and that she wants to help you! I think a 2hr session will be helpful to you and I'm glad you can have that opportunity.
I understand it would feel odd to be hugged in front of her other clients....and wonder how it might make them feel. But then, that is for them and her to deal with in their time together....and maybe they feel secure enough in what she offers them in their relationship/therapy time that it isn't an issue....

[Sweetlove]

I wouldn't worry about the hug...I'm sure she is the type of person to give hugs to any client who she feels deserves it. It's normal for T's to decide to hug clients, and the clients in the waiting room knew that.

Your T sounds great...really willing to go above and beyond for you. She found a solution for more time but also keeping the expenses in check. I felt guilty when my T gave me 2 sessions a week and it still bothers me sometimes. A couple of weeks ago I told him that I don't want him to get sick of me and he said "If you ever feel like I'm getting sick of you, then ask"...so last week I did and he said "not yet"

If they didn't want to help us or see us more, then they wouldn't offer. Try not to feel too guilty, and when you are, tell your T. Your scared because you're probably not used to someone fullfulling your needs and not asking anything in return. Accept it

So, I know none of you are fortune tellers, but you seem to think newT is a good, safe T?

I'm really trying to weigh things rationally and look at the evidence.

I understand where my fear comes from. But I'm still looking for reassurance.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by griffinp

So, I know none of you are fortune tellers, but you seem to think newT is a good, safe T?

I'm really trying to weigh things rationally and look at the evidence.

I understand where my fear comes from. But I'm still looking for reassurance.

Yes, from the things you have posted about what she has said and done, I think she is a good, safe T. She seems to be genuine, loving, compassionate, adaptable, understanding of your needs and willing to find ways to help you.....she sounds worthy of trust to me.

[Sweetlove]

Yes, I think everything she has done is competely safe. However, you are the one witnessing everything...if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable then it is up to you to make that decision. But considering all you have said, I think you can trust her!

From everything you've said, she sounds good, and safe. She sounds willing to try different things, not just do "one size fits all" therapy, and I think that can be a sign of a really good therapist.

I do longer sessions with T, and it's been REALLY helpful. In a 50 minute session, I usually start to really figure out what I'm feeling about 45 minutes in and then it's time to go. When I see him for 90 minutes, if I figure out what I'm feeling 45 minutes in, then I still have 45 minutes to process it.

When people give me things, sometimes it makes me feel unsafe...maybe because I think they will now expect something from me. But I think that's usually an icky transference reaction to old old stuff...here, in my adult life, usually when people give me things, it is simply what it is...a gift, or a need met, or a bit of help when I need it. And it's okay.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by griffinp

....except I hate leaving feeling like we just chit-chatted, you know? So I actually told her that...that I was frustrated because we touched on a bunch of stuff and stirred some things up and now it was almost time to leave and I'd be alone to sort it all out for another week.

Hi griffin,

It's not easy switching to a new T. I agree.
Try to let go a bit.
I saw a few T's where I was like,
"No, can't stand her office."
"No, too new-agey."
"Way too distracted."

But my new T, I didn't love her at first. She seemed too cold and professional. I was surprised it took me about 8 sessions to feel like I could work with her. So if you don't immediately feel like saying no way then just keep going and keep somewhat open...

Do you think it might help to write down some of the things you wanted to say this session - some of those topics that were stirred up and where they lead?

Elana