[SpiritRunner]

I'm just wondering why it's such a hard thing for me to reach out and ask, to accept help when I need it? And why it's so hard to believe that it's really OK, really safe, to need help and to receive it? And why I think I'm really such a burden to my friends when they really seem to want to be there for me.....
These are on my mind......mostly because while my T was gone, she assigned me 'homework' to go out and have a coffee date or whatever with the 2 friends of mine who are on my safety contract. Now, if she hadn't specifically written it down.....I wouldn't have done it, which I think she knew. So she was like, you can blame it on me when you ask them! Which I did! (At least I can tell her I did do my homework!)
I know I really need the support......and I know my friends are sincerely wanting to support me and help me keep safe. Yet there is just something in me that keeps feeling like I have to apologize for being needy! Something in me that is really mad actually that I am this needy right now.....something that feels silly and sad and vulnerable too.......something in me that feels weak and hates that people are seeing me in my weakness and seeing my emotional struggles and pain....
Somehow this needing and getting help thing is making me feel like I am so pitiful and pathetic......I would much rather be able to give than be the one needing to receive so much.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Poetgirl76,

I am the exact same as you and I have just wrote a thread earlier similar to yours in the BP section. I do not have a T or anyone like that. I just have very understanding friends whom I can not talk to for some strange reason

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

Hey Poetgirl76,

I am the exact same as you and I have just wrote a thread earlier similar to yours in the BP section. I do not have a T or anyone like that. I just have very understanding friends whom I can not talk to for some strange reason

It's so hard for me to talk too openly even to my friends, but I'm learning.....this is one thing my T is definitely working with me about, to learn to ask! I guess it's just that I want them to see me as strong.....and also that I'm afraid they'll pity me or pull away or begin to think I'm really too odd or too needy. I don't know......
Thanks for your reply; I'm glad you do have understanding friends, even if it is hard to talk to them.

[rainbow8]

Not sure what to say but I wanted you to know I read your thread and give you some hugs:

[Miss Laura]

I do have good friends.... but I do have the I am "indestructable" theory. I believe I shouldn't get hurt, ill etc. But that's not true and I hate that thought. They are not meant to see me "weak". I am finding it so hard to not think that and to find ways to improve. I can't though. I don't have the tools to do it

[BlessedRhiannon]

I wish I had an answer for you....then I'd have one for myself as well. All I can say is that I completely understand how you feel. I don't trust others, I almost always refuse to ask for help. I nearly always feel like I need to apologize for being a burden on others. I feel like I'm always intruding on others when I contact them.

Something that my therapist always asks me and actually seems to help is what would I think of a friend in the same situation. Would I consider a friend too needy if they reached out to me? (No, I wouldn't) Would I consider a friend too needy or would I think they needed to apologize if they wanted to spend time with me? (No, I wouldn't) Would I pity a friend who asks for my help? (No, I wouldn't). So, why then do I think that my friends would react any differently to me being the one needing help? As I replace myself with "a friend" in my thoughts, it does help to put things in perspective a little bit, and help to reduce that feeling of being a burden. It doesn't always work...but sometimes it helps.

[with or without you]

I dislike asking for help because I have a strong obsession with being "in control" at all times, most of which comes from my mom's alcoholism when I was growing up. (she's been sober for almost 20 years.) I want to be tough all the time. I don't like people seeing my vulnerability either, poetgirl.

pg, i'm the same way. i know for me where it comes from though. i was very much taught that being weak, needy, vulnerable, etc. is a bad and shameful thing and will likely get you rejected. most of the messages that i got that said this were non-verbal though. it sucks. it really does a number on you.

This seems to be a commonality between many of us on PC. Asking for and receiving help. Sometimes I would rather carry around a sign that says "I need help!" rather than asking someone out right! This way I am putting it on them. If they read it and respond, good deal. But if they read it and reject it, I won't feel so bad.

That sounds ridiculous. But if you think about it, it does make sense. When you 'say it' or 'ask for it' verbally, there is a personal connection. Just 'putting it out there' and seeing if anyone will take the bait, makes it impersonal. Many of us lack the confidence or abilty to be personal with others. We want a relationship, but we say, "Come be my friend, but stay away!" This is confusing to others. We send off mixed messages and they don't know how to react!

[jazzy123456]

wow... you took the words right out of my mouth. oh how i can relate to this!

but, the truth is... for me as well, giving and receiving is like a cup being filled...

if we aren't filled up with support, it is impossible, or near impossible to offer it
successfully.

we can still offer it but, its not as fufilling, as if we too, didn't feel safe, loved, and heard...

we need this.
as hard as it is for me and you to believe.

we need people.
we need support.
and it will only get harder if we don't accept it...

you can't pour a glass of water into someone elses cup,
if yours is empty.

and you know what else, i just thought about,
some people LOVE giving to others,
its like I am doing them a disservice by rejecting the help they are offering me.
its part of human natures heart to give...
its quite healthy...to give, it does something for both the receiver and the giver.
ya know?

good luck though becuz i can understand the difficulty.
you'll get through it.!

((((((((((poetgirl)))))))))))))

I can SO relate to that.

It's taken a LONG time in therapy for me to really understand that it's okay to have needs, and to ask for help. Before therapy, I literally - LITERALLY - thought I didn't have any needs. Which is ridiculous, when I look back, but at the time, it's what felt true. It was so scary to admit to myself that I had needs...and so painful...and so dangerous-feeling....that it was just easier to shut that part of myself off.

T has taught me that I *can* and *do* have needs...just like everyone else. And that it's okay. It's not a sign of being weak, it's a sign of being human.

Sometimes I think about how it feels for me to give to other people...I like helping other people, it feels good, and I am honored when someone is struggling and they accept whatever I am able to give. I remind myself that when I don't allow others in to help ME, I am denying them the chance to do something that they probably actually want to do.

I think it's great that you reached out and went out for coffee, even though it was hard. I'm learning that taking action, even when I really don't want to, can little by little change how I feel about myself and the world around me.

[mixedup_emotions]

I could have written your post. I feel the same exact way.

My T says that by allowing others to help me, I am allowing them to feel valued, to feel as though they can ask me for something at another time, etc. But it's still so so so hard to do.

For me, I believe it has a lot to do with what I endured in my life. Having endured quite a bit of abuse during childhood and even throughout my marriage, I learned to be self-sufficient, never to depend on anyone because I had been hurt and let down too many times.

My struggle is to find healthier relationships and to give AND take from those relationships. It's extremely difficult for me. So, I completely understand.

[SpiritRunner]

((((all)))) Thank you all so much for your replies.....they are all so helpful! I'm really thankful for the support we can give each other here on PC.....we each can reach out for ourselves and we can reach out to each other. Even if we can't exactly go out for coffee in real life, it's so nice to know that we have friends here who do understand very much what each other is going through!
It's so so true as most of you said.......receiving helps us have more to give; knowing how to receive is part of knowing how to give and being able to give truly. Sometimes though I just feel like I've received so much that I should be giving more than I do....and it's a guilt thing, I guess, thinking that what I give will never match what I receive, or think that I'm being selfish and should be more selfless and self-sacrificing.....and it's also a feeling of 'I don't deserve this kindness, this compassion, this love.....who can really see me as I am, see my weakness and faults and needs and still care and want to truly help me.....' But it is freeing, in a way, to learn that it's OK to be vulnerable, open and honest with my friends.....it makes a deeper connection, a deeper bond.
And yes, some of this goes back to me wanting to be self-sufficient, because I had to be growing up.....it wasn't safe to show weakness. Not to mention, there was hardly anyone I felt like I could ask help of anyway......so here I am with what is a coping tool that is actually hindering me receiving the help I need to grow, change and heal.....an emotional pattern, a pattern of thinking, feeling and being, that is deep and so hard to change.....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

it's such a hard thing for me to reach out and ask, to accept help when I need it

it's so hard to believe that it's really OK, really safe, to need help and to receive it?

I think I'm really such a burden to my friends

there is just something in me that keeps feeling like I have to apologize for being needy!

Something in me that is really mad actually that I am this needy right now.....something that feels silly and sad and vulnerable too.......something in me that feels weak and hates that people are seeing me in my weakness and seeing my emotional struggles and pain....

this needing and getting help thing is making me feel like I am so pitiful and pathetic

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

I want them to see me as strong

I'm afraid they'll pity me or pull away or begin to think I'm really too odd or too needy.

As always (I think!), you have to go back into the past to figure out what is going on inside your head about all of this.

From what you write, you are saying that it isn't safe to ask for or receive help. You also feel like a burden.

I am assuming you learned to never ask your parents for help because of how they would respond. What messages did you receive about asking for help while growing up?

So glad you went for coffee, that's great

It sounds like you know why it's hard to accept help- because you couldn't ask for or receive help growing up. My T sometimes says 'insight alone is not enough'- I think she means, it doesn't necessarily help us to change our beliefs, or our behaviours. Maybe the way you change your beliefs and behaviours around accepting help is by testing it out. So when you went out for coffee with your friends, it's a way of testing the beliefs around it not being safe, expectations that they'll pity you or withdraw etc on a small scale. And when you see that your fears weren't realised, then you try a slightly bigger experiment. And hopefully each experiment disconfirms your beliefs... And it all begun with a coffee!

Well done for getting through all this time with your T away. Nearly there now!

[SpiritRunner]

Improving, what you mention about insight alone is not enough really rings true to me.....I've gotten mad at myself sometimes for having insight and still not doing better emotionally or with my actions/reactions! And I think, what I am seeing, at least with these 2 dear friends, is they are not going to run away from me, not going to abandon me, they are safe. I said something the other night to one about feeling like a burden or whatever.....and she said, don't be silly, this is what friends are for! Once she also told me, when I was having trouble with self-harm compulsions to call her instead and she said 'I won't judge you; but I will worry about you!' Both of them have told me I am not a burden......all these things are helping me begin to see that I can let go of these fears I have and maybe that I can have deeper connections in my relationships than I have ever been able to have......I hope!
Sannah....how could I ask my parents for help when they were hardly able to help themselves, much less my brother, even less me?! My brother truly had deep issues, was very troubled, wild, angry, volatile, destructive.......it took everything they had to try to deal with him, and they didn't even really know how to deal with him or deal with their own emotions. And my dad had his own deep mental issues anyway....and no help to deal with that either. My parents, especially my mom who is very private, hated asking for help, hated that anyone would see/know that there was such turmoil in our house.....they wanted to present a front of normality, and not have people be judging them. Obviously these things are imprinted in me, too......
And I was the one who was quieter, the one who was smart, who did well in school, the one who seemed to be more stable and less trouble.....so I guess my needs weren't as apparent to them as my brother's needs, which were glaringly obvious and violently apparent!! So.....maybe I learned to suppress my needs.....or think that they couldn't be met, so why ask anyway? Anyway, if I looked fine and acted fine, then they left me alone and I could hide and be in peace, or pretend I was anyway.....pretend that I was fine and I was well and I was strong.....
Sorry this self-examination got long and probably tedious.....
And yes, I can't wait to see my T Thursday.....almost there! And yes, I admit, though it's hard to admit, that I have missed her and I do need her......but I am trying to let myself be OK with that, too......

[Sannah]

So I hope that you can tie your past into how you are reacting now and then go on to test new waters like you just explained!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So I hope that you can tie your past into how you are reacting now and then go on to test new waters like you just explained!

yes.....it feels somewhat like going into uncharted waters! and that can be an adventure challenging, unnerving, and yet also rewarding in the discoveries that may be waiting.....