to stop T or not?

This would be something good to talk about in session.

Suga: Courage is bravery in the face of fear.... ( the virtues project )

thanks for showing me what courage looks like

gently-you are looking at the wrong person for courage. It's a lot easier to talk about these things when you can hide behind a psydonum here.

think I messed up. Couldnt talk about my feelings around therapy, so we just spoke about work, and some personal stressors.
Did tell her as I left that this 3 week break didn't work for me-she was sick, else it would have been a scheduled 2 weeks- but I told her that was also not working for me.
I told her I'd felt some emotions that seemed uncalled for, but that I couldnt talk about it, but would compile an e-mail to her.
Arg... I feel a bit of a mess. T did help me with my feelings around work, and has suggested I go to HR and disclose (she has dealth with my company before, has had clients disclose, and the results have been good). More long-term; start looking for another job.

You didn't mess up. For me, it's REALLY hard to go in after a long break and just sit down and start talking about the most important issue. I need this chit-chatty session to reconnect...which is frustrating, because it FEELS like a waste of time, but I know it isn't really a waste of time, since it allows me to go where I need to go at the NEXT session.

Have you scheduled your next session? Could you just say "I'd like to make an appointment for next week?". It sounds you need/want more frequent sessions right now.

Be gentle with you

thanks Tree. Made a session for next Fri, so we're back to weekly. Told her the 2 week break-which became 3- was too long for me.
I really felt I needed to speak about me feelings, but I am embarrassed. That I was angry @ T, that I felt she was stretching me too early and that the wheels then fell off. That I actually missed her. That I'm scared of our relationship-to have something that means so much to me, and then it all falls flat...

i am not liking this process any more. It's so complex. I think there are certain parts of me that are getting weak and relying on therapy and my support structure - which hardly exists-too much... :-(
Just not happy.
Right now I am literally just being held together by meds. Better than falling apart, but it's also not 'being alive'

Awe Sugahorse, I hope things start to improve for you soon! (((HUGS!)))

thanks PTSD. Need things to get ironed out again. And I need to really talk to my T about this and not just feeeze up.

Well I wish you all the best luck wth this.

Suga: I am not sure that any of us like to feel dependent on anyone.

Yet our very survial means we are depending on many people, seen and unseen all the time.

My awakening from my affair with cancer was that people cared about me!

This openned up the cracks in who I thought I was from who I am.
Not a painless tranformation, and not instant. I am the last person to have patience in the same sentence associated with me, but waiting and trusting my life will improve is the hope I now carry.

Today I am meeting my new T, for PTSD for CSA.
Do I want to open up that crack into my past? Yes and No.
It is -22C with windchill feels like -35C, so much easier to stay home.

I am going, and insult to injury I have a dental appointment first!

take care

G1

Thanks Gently-hope it went well. Sent my T a mail with a few of my feelings above. I was angry at her, but I don't know why. I want her to be there for me, yet I also want to run and never see her again

Hello Suga,
Thank you, my first meeting went well-a meet and greet. I have scheduled in two weeks.

Today will most likely be my last day with the T, that I was seeing until I could get into this PTSD clinic. I am hoping to continue seeing him, not as often, as he has been my exposure therapy. And along with the entire day treatment team, I feel for the first time a sense of acceptance, and that I was treated humanly - or true client centred- within the norms of an instituition.
I will certainly miss meeting with him, but he has taught me a lot about coping skills, mindfulness based meditation, and the like, so I hope I am ready for my deep work.

I am also on the right track to finding the right combination of meds. Like you said earlier, held together, and it is much better than falling apart.

All the best with you next meeting.
take care
G1

You really want to be an island, huh?

I'm really glad that you are expressing things to your therapist. Good work!

(((Sannah))) thanks. an island...? probably the best description ever. I tend to do this. But i conflict myself most of the time. I get hurt by people and get angry. Then I feel embarrased, or that my anger is not appropriate, so I draw away. Then I don't trust people.
Then I force myself onto people and become a drain. Again, I get embarassed and draw away. Then I crave comfort and people caring for me.
So, I'll always be chasing my tale.

G1 - I'm so glad you've managed to get into a clinic and can continue along your path of healing. You put a lot of effort in, and deserve to reap the rewards

Learning how to take care of yourself in relationships (knowing who to trust, taking care of your needs, having healthy boundaries, etc.) can help a lot with this.

yup - that's part of Jackie 2.0 ( Still very much in the inception stage)

Hi Suga,

It sounds to me like, since you saw your T last, you've circled back to feeling like you do need to be there. And my sense is that's a good decision for you. I'm new here and learning everyone's stories, but it seems from what you've written on this thread that the part of you that wants/wanted to leave is afraid...and believe me when I say that's a troublesome way to leave therapy! It seems like there's an opportunity here to explore what it means to feel vulnerable with your T, to feel a sense of need and to want her caring. Those feelings are universal and so important.

Having just transitioned to a new T some weeks ago, I can say that I'm so glad I took time to really be ready to leave my former T. We left on a wonderful note and I'm now immersed with the new guy, and it's all as it should be.

You're in a great place for support--take care of yourself!

thanks LG.
I do need to be in therapy. I just dont want to NEED my T. I cannot really be close to her anyway - the whole professional thing

Welcome

Ok- definitely. I NEED to be in therapy. I know I've written it above, but it's just become clear

((((((suga))))))

Thanks. At the end of my session I actually managed to talk about some of the issues I'd felt around therapy, and to my T. I'd mailed her, but she didn't bring it up. I think she knew it was difficult, and was weary to force me to speak about it. In the last, dying minutes of our sessions, I finally plucked up the courage to tell her. And she was caring about it

I'm glad you got the courage to tell her and that she was caring about it, too!

"I do have the odd thing I need to deal with-self-worth, self-soothing, stress management, relationships with parents, feelings of rejection... But they no longer consume my life."

Suga - those are valid issues to be seeing a T for. Sure, maybe your most difficult issue is being managed well now, but please don't underestimate the need to work on these other issues. I think it would be a huge mistake to quit therapy.