[JustWannaDisappear]

****************COULD BE TRIGGERING**********************


This is probably the wrong place to post this. My thoughts are all over the place right now.

I'm angry, numb, depressed, frustrated, anxious and I don't know what I need. Yesterday, I sat and cried for hours then I woke up on the couch and realized I hadn't fed my kids lunch and they've been sitting in front of the tv all morning.

I don't know if this is the change in meds or what, but I have an overwhelming feeling of wanting to SI. I slept most of yesterday, most of today and at 8p I lost it on my husband, yelling, swearing slamming things around. I had no real reason for any of my actions. Now I feel ashamed & embarrassed.

I also haven't been doing my homework for therapy. I don't know HOW to refute my irrational thinking. Yeah yeah, I know my thoughts are "wrong" and whatever, but it's how I FEEL and always have felt this way. How do I change from hating myself, loathing myself for 28yrs to refuting those thoughts. To me those thoughts are true.

I'm glad I have T tomorrow evening, but I don't even want to go. I've been having sui thoughts and I know I won't do anything, but I'm so scared she will want me in the hospital or contact my GP or pdoc. I just want to SI and release this overwhelming anxiety, then get trashed.

[SpiritRunner]

It is hard work refuting negative thoughts; hard work learning how to refute them, when the habit has been to just have them and stay in that habit. I understand that so well myself. And I understand the allure of unhealthy coping habits, but please stay safe!

I'm working on it as well. My thoughts are with you.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm sorry you're in such a rough place right now. I hope your session with T helps...I know those out-of-control moments, and it's SO HARD to get out of the depths of that awful place.

A med change can definitely wreak havoc on your body and emotions, so please be sure to let your doctor know what's going on.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Oh Sweetie, I am sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time right now. You said that you know that your thoughts are wrong. I don't believe there is such a thing as wrong thoughts. I think that there are unhelpful thoughts. As for wanting to SI have you ever squeezed ice before? It still hurts like a ***** but it does not cause any permanent damage. It has helped me tremendously many time. I reccomend ginving it a try if you haven't done so already. Remember you will get through this and you are strong. Keep your self distracted as well. Thinking about you and wishing you the best of luck!

[PTSDlovemycats]

I just wanted to add that you didn't post this in the wrong place and I am sure many people appreciated the trigger warning. If you ever want you can also post in the SI forum. I do that from time to time as well.

[Sannah]

I think that it is more helpful to understand where the irrational thinking comes from. We form irrational thoughts because of what we have experienced. If you can trace this back, you can work through it instead of trying to fight it and yourself 24/7. Acceptance of where we are at is very valuable. You are where you are at for a reason. Trying to understand how you got there is invaluable IMO because with understanding you can unravel it and let it go.