Total, Utter Freak Out.

Okay, I posted about trying to get my therapist to "see" something in this thread.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=174325

I really still have no idea what is going on in my head, but I am so nervous and anxious (well, that's a bit of an understatement) about the session today - it must be close to surface.

I have no idea what's going to happen, no idea where the conversation will go and also feel as though I have no control over it at this point.

Unfortunately not talking about it at this time is not an option. Exhale. Why do I hold my breath?

I know, I know, Go Ellie Go! You are a brave, amazing person! I'm just not feeling that this morning. Sigh.

AND I have one nostril that's clogged. It's driving my mild OCD crazy. It should be symmetrical!

If it's possible, I could use some pocket riders and some support.

Yeah, I'm panting. All in all, that's not a good sign. When.you're.panting.

Livin' la vida GAD!

(((( ELLIEMAY ))))

I'm jumping into your pocket for today, to help give you the strength you need to get through this session and for it to be productive for you. It's ok to feel the anxiety, as uncomfortable as it is. You are still OK.

It's very hard to be so close to something but not know what it is...it's scary. It really is.

Oooooh, it's so hard to go to session with that feeling of anxiety, and of not knowing what's coming.

I hope your time with T brings insight and relief....

Hopping in your pocket

Remember to breathe.

And take your hanky, too. Or, we can bring them. Just look in your pockets.

Okay Pachy, you are on hanky detail. Actually, I think I will just need half a hanky if that makes it easier.

Thanks guys. This show of support, understanding and humor has already helped.

Oh, I'm not saying, stop.

Heavens no.

I'm wearing a ratty old jacket with HUGE pockets. Lots of room. Complimentary light refreshments and punch are being served in there for your pocket riding enjoyment.

jumping in ellie.i hope you are able to express and get out what you need to.i know it is so hard not to go into panic mode.

I will come along too!

Well, that whole thing was a gigantic swing and a miss. A whole lot of energy, but absolutely zero result. My therapist was way off, I was off.

I ended up crying over some stupid insurance form. We actually had an argument over an insurance form. Disastrous really.

I'm left with a lot of shame and really hurt feelings. I know they aren't mine, but they are here.

I've reached out to my therapist, hopefully he will return my call. I don't expect a monumental response at this point, as I am the one to process this. Frankly, I suspect he's shaking his head as much as me.

I have a plan in place for nights like tonight and it helps to work that plan.

• Reach out (done that),
• create something (doing that) and
• remember "even if you know the world will end tomorrow, plant a tree."

Thanks to all the pocket riders. I wish it had turned out better.

E

And that one damned nostril is still clogged.

aww, I'm sorry, ellie. big, safe hugs to you

So sorry it went badly. A massive well done for going and trying so hard.

I love your plan- thanks for sharing it. I hope T calls you back very soon. What are you creating tonight? I'd love to hear about it.

Sending you very good wishes and hoping your tree takes root and blooms in time.

(((( E ))))

I'm sorry the session was so off....Yuck! I hate when that happens. I hope T responds quickly...and if you want to share more here, I am here and care....

Oh, WOW, does that sound familiar. Ack.

It seems like in therapy, sometimes we have those totally awful sessions when we're SO not attuned right before a big insight or breakthrough. Maybe they PUSH us to an insight or a breakthrough??

I hope he calls you back. And even though it probably won't get "fixed" on the phone, I hope it helps at least a little bit.

I like your plan

He did call me back shortly after I posted, from his cell phone which is odd. He was flummoxed too, but it's something we just have to roll with I guess. He's a kind person who does his best to help me.

For me, I guess the feelings come first, then the words will come later.

I'm having a rather peaceful night. I turned an old jewelry box into a lotus flower to keep a pendant my father gave to me in. Lit some candles, did some yoga of my own creation. It helped.

Sometimes just sitting on the floor with my palms up helps me to be more receptive and accepting. My dog loves it.

It's just a day in the life of a survivor and those who try to help them I guess.

Wow, that's great that you have found an outlet to keep yourself feeling peaceful through the turmoil. I'll have to try to adopt some of that myself!

I've been trying to absorb this last session as best I can, but I've got to be honest, some damage has been done.

The shame I experienced, i feel was coming from him.

As I've certainly preached before, it all hinges on intent. I'm well aware that his intent was not to shame me, or was it?

I know the insurance fight sooooo wasn't about insurance, but his actions and demeanor regarding that incident was very condescending and "i'm very right and you couldn't be more wrong, here let me prove how wrong you are". See?

It was a simple thing in which I was not aware what he was doing and he was not aware what I was doing. I felt as though he was throwing it up in face.

I think I felt that a lot in the session.

In fact, the session started out with him questioning a decision I made at work. One of the things I have expended a lot of energy on is building my confidence at work and recognizing that I am good at what I do (there is a lot of rejection in my line of work, it's hard not to take it personally).

His response was "did you get other people agree with you?" Well, sometimes that doesn't matter. What matters is that I agree with myself. grrrr....

We barely even got to the issue I wanted to talk about, and I don't know if I will ever bring it up again. Or I might, I don't know.

It's just uncomfortable when a safe place shifts slightly off it's foundation. It's up in the air. Uncertainty is certainly difficult.

((((elliemay)))) I definitely understand that feeling......it happened in my last session too. Uncertainty is difficult.

The healing thing about my therapy (and from what I've read, your therapy) is that that safe place shifts off it's foundation, but unlike all of our experiences in the past, it shifts BACK, and we find out that the safe place is STILL THERE.

When I was growing up, and as a young adult, if I ever THOUGHT there might be a safe place, I usually ended up being wrong, and being hurt.

In therapy, sometimes the foundation shifts, but the whole house doesn't fall down. We go, we talk, and we find out that the safety is still there. And we learn a little about ourselves, and what we're afraid of, and how we can move through it in the process. And that maybe we're safer than we thought we were.

Not to say that it doesn't suck and it isn't scary, because it does and it is.

Hang in there

tree, I love this....this has just been a huge help just now to me to have this thought.....that it shifts BACK and the safe place is still there....wow.

How are you doing now?? (((Hugs)))

Well, it's hard to parse out what I brought to the session versus what was actually there.

I'm sure I carried some baggage with me into the room (I had a really hard week prior) and was likely on edge. Gven the freak out the morning of the session, i might have had needed a whole buggage cart.

However, in the place I am in right now, it's going to be hard to discuss that. I feel as though the "I am right, and you are so very very wrong" feeling will show up again. Leading to blame, and ultimately shame.

To compound things, I also brought in some things for him (my collage, a cartoon I really liked about trust) and he didn't even pick them up off the couch. When I left they were just lying there like roadkill. Ignored. It's hard not to think that a whole lot of me was just left there too.

I worry that he found the images in the collage disgusting, which is why he didn't keep it in the first place. Again, I feel like he will just say "That's not the case at all, you're blowing this out of proportion" which is likely true, but that's how I felt.

All in all, I guess I went in very vulnerable, and reaching out. I think for the first time he didn't really reach back.

He's a good guy, and a highly skilled therapist. It's hard to know what to do.

Reach back into the relationship again, or hold back for awhile and re-group?

Like Tree, I am now commenting on my own post. Thanks to Tree for Blazing that trail!

One thing that I've definitely learned is when I am feeling the most scared, and the most uncertain, that's the time I need to plunge in the most.

It just takes a whole lot of courage to be authentic, say what I feel and let the chips fall where they may.

But it's gotta happen.

Boy, is that true that when we're the most scared is the time to plunge in? I experienced that with my T once. She triggered one of my most vulnerable places and I called and left message to cancel my appt. My intention was to quit therapy with her.

After about 2 hours of panic and trying to work through my issue, I called her back and requested that we have an extra session soon. I needed to process it with her and boy, was I the most nervous ever.

It was great I did that because it gave her 'real-time' experience of my fears and since it involved her, it has become a very good therapeutic tool. I can always say, 'remember how I reacted to you....?"

So, yes, plunge in because when we face our fears head on, I think we make the best progress. I'm still working on it but thanks to therapy I am slowly gaining more authenticity in my life. slowly

Maybe there is a third choice? Instead of jumping right in or staying on the side, could you dip your toe in and test the waters?

It sounds like a lot of tough feelings were brought up. Keep in mind that your perceptions may have been distorted, or you may be incorrectly assuming your T's intentions.

Maybe the first step is to talk about what happened at your last session, and once you establish that place of caring and trust again, you will be able to realize that 'thing' that is so close to the surface. Maybe this whole mis-understanding with your T is a way for you to test him out, to reassure yourself that he is a safe person and will take care of your vulnerability?

I SO agree with this. Almost like, the scarier it is, the more sure I am that it's the right thing to do.