[Tiberius]

I don't want to terminate therapy because I hate my therapist. I want to terminate it for the opposite reason.

It's horrible knowing that I have developed feelings of affection for a person who is just doing a job. It's even more horrible knowing that my feelings will never be reciprocated. In a strange way, I think that I've begun to despise my therapist for playing with my emotions and inflicting all this pain upon me.

I don't know how typical my case is, but I am currently giving serious thought to the possibility of either dealing with my problems on my own or finding myself another therapist. Unfortunately, discussing my feelings with my therapist did not make them less difficult to deal with.

What do you suggest I do?

[ECHOES]

In a strange way, I think that I've begun to despise my therapist for playing with my emotions and inflicting all this pain upon me.

I think it's important to keep talking about with your therapist, and not run from it.

[zooropa]

I don't know if it makes sense or not, but I have the same thoughts, a lot. Therapy really, really hurts sometimes. Learning to trust T, letting myself feel how much I need her, and knowing that it's not a reciprocal relationship is really, really hard. I know T gets something out of our relationship, besides money, or she wouldn't be in that line of work. But I know she doesn't think about me every day. I know I haven't changed her life. I know she knows she'll be okay without me.

So yes. I feel the same way. And then I just keep breathing and keep going to therapy and keep trusting. Part of that is trusting that everything will be okay in the end.

[bpd mess]

i agree. it is important to keep talking to your therapist instead of running from it. although, i tell my therapist "i quit" at least once a month. so far i've changed my mind once i calm down.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Tiberius

It's horrible knowing that I have developed feelings of affection for a person who is just doing a job.

He/she's probably not "just doing a job" in the sense that a Walmart cashier does his/her job. People become therapists because of a strong felt need to help other people. It's not just the check every two weeks that they're aiming for. Feelings of affection for a therapist are quite normal and need to be discussed with the therapist, since they may very well have implications for your therapy.

It's even more horrible knowing that my feelings will never be reciprocated.

If you mean romantic feelings, then yes, they won't be reciprocated. But, again as above, any romantic feelings you may have towards your T can very well have implications for your therapy and need to be discussed with your T.

In a strange way, I think that I've begun to despise my therapist for playing with my emotions and inflicting all this pain upon me.

It's very, very doubtful that your T is either "playing with [your] emotions" and/or intentionally (or even unintentionally) "inflicting ... pain upon [you]". These are most probably results of what is called the "transference" (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference) You need very much to tell your T about these feelings and ideas and talk about them with him/her.

I don't know how typical my case is, but I am currently giving serious thought to the possibility of either dealing with my problems on my own or finding myself another therapist.

Your problems are not, in all probability, things you can deal with on your own. If you want to find another therapist of course you may, but the chances are that you'll have similar problems with them.

Unfortunately, discussing my feelings with my therapist did not make them less difficult to deal with.

That will happen. It may take quite a bit of discussion and thinking to make your problems amenable to analysis and solution. Just because you run into a rough spot, even a long rough spot, does not mean that it's best for you to give up on therapy or even a particular therapist.

The best of luck to you, Tiberius. And of course we're always here for further questions or discussions. Take care!

[with or without you]

I hear you Tiberius. I started a thread recently about revealing my deep attachment to my therapist. I still don't feel all that great about being real with her. She keeps telling me it was a gutsy thing to do, but I still feel really pathetic for doing it...like I'm some sort of child or something. Maybe some of my pessimism/self-defeating thoughts have to do with holiday drama involving my family and the fact that I've been sick with a bad head cold/sinus infection since Tuesday. I had a visit with T on Thursday and I really didn't feel uplifted afterward like I usually do; something just felt "off". Sigh.

[rainbow8]

Tiberius, I've struggled with the same questions as you. I don't understand how I developed such powerful feelings for the Ts I've had through the years, and for my current , but I want to tell you that it's fairly normal to do so. You're right that your feelings won't be reciprocated, but your T is not "just" doing a job. Ts really care about us; I've seen enough to know that's true. They don't feel the same way because it's the nature of therapy for us to have this transference reaction to them, and not vice versa (usually). But they feel caring too. I know I'm not "just a job" to my T.

If you go to another T, you will probably have the same feelings! Unless you don't think your T is competent, the best recourse is to continue talking about your feelings, and not avoiding them. I know it seems like your t is causing you the pain of the unreciprocated feelings, but that's not the way it is. I know it doesn't seem fair, but think of it as a way to help you in therapy, not to hinder you. The strong feelings for your T tell you a lot about yourself, and the exploration of them is an important part of therapy. I hope you stick it out!

[Tiberius]

Originally Posted by zooropa

But I know she doesn't think about me every day. I know I haven't changed her life. I know she knows she'll be okay without me.

Same here.

Originally Posted by zooropa

So yes. I feel the same way. And then I just keep breathing and keep going to therapy and keep trusting. Part of that is trusting that everything will be okay in the end.

I have yet to read a story of a person who overcame erotic transference and became a happier, healthier human being. All the stories I have read so far concerning this type of transference are either from people like us who are currently in therapy and struggling with their feelings, people who finished therapy and were left heartbroken, or female patients who were taken advantage of by male therapists. Unfortunately, I don't have as much faith as you do and don't see light at the end of the tunnel. It seems to me that the longer I play this game the larger the cancer will grow and the more miserable I'll be in the long run.

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

He/she's probably not "just doing a job" in the sense that a Walmart cashier does his/her job. People become therapists because of a strong felt need to help other people. It's not just the check every two weeks that they're aiming for.

That's probably true, but throughout the course of my therapist's career she has probably worked with a countless number of patients just like me. To my therapist I am just another body who came into her office and paid her for her services.

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Feelings of affection for a therapist are quite normal and need to be discussed with the therapist, since they may very well have implications for your therapy.

If you mean romantic feelings, then yes, they won't be reciprocated. But, again as above, any romantic feelings you may have towards your T can very well have implications for your therapy and need to be discussed with your T.

I believe that such feelings should be mentioned, not discussed. Honestly, if the patient can't see the moral of the story (ie: "find yourself a girlfriend/boyfriend!", "find a new wife/husband!", "fix your marriage!") then the patient probably has more problems than the therapist can help him/her with. What's the discussion going to consist of? The patient's trying to make the therapist feel guilty for not reciprocating his/her feelings? The patient's begging the therapist to feel attracted to him/her and act unethically? Just because a person has accepted that he or she has problems and finally resorts to professional help doesn't mean that it's acceptable for him/her to act childishly and stupidly.

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

It's very, very doubtful that your T is either "playing with [your] emotions" and/or intentionally (or even unintentionally) "inflicting ... pain upon [you]". These are most probably results of what is called the "transference" (see wikipedia) You need very much to tell your T about these feelings and ideas and talk about them with him/her.

Transference is not an obscure concept or something that rarely happens. It's central to psychotherapy. Even the description of this forum tells the story: "A place to discuss psychotherapy issues, such as transference, choosing a therapist, when to terminate, etc." So while it is true that my therapist probably was not purposely being abusive or trying to hurt me, she did absolutely nothing to prevent me from falling into this trap which is highly unlikely that she did not see coming. For that reason, I hold my therapist responsible for all the unnecessary pain that I have endured so far as a result of therapy.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

You're right that your feelings won't be reciprocated, but your T is not "just" doing a job. Ts really care about us; I've seen enough to know that's true. They don't feel the same way because it's the nature of therapy for us to have this transference reaction to them, and not vice versa (usually). But they feel caring too. I know I'm not "just a job" to my T.

But you are!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

If you go to another T, you will probably have the same feelings!

Not necessarily.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Unless you don't think your T is competent, the best recourse is to continue talking about your feelings, and not avoiding them. I know it seems like your t is causing you the pain of the unreciprocated feelings, but that's not the way it is. I know it doesn't seem fair, but think of it as a way to help you in therapy, not to hinder you. The strong feelings for your T tell you a lot about yourself, and the exploration of them is an important part of therapy. I hope you stick it out!

I don't believe that the heartbreak is worth whatever personal insights I might acquire as a result of therapy. The only real insight that I have acquired so far is that if I had never received therapy today I would be a happier, healthier person. You can say that's just me, but you need to keep in mind that therapy is not for everyone. Therapy is not guaranteed to work 100% of the time with all patients, you know.

[Paraclete]

I just got to the end of the year and terminated my three year therapy very abruptly at the end of hte session. I know this was a terribly bad idea. But like you, it suddenly occurred to me that I will just be rinsing and repeating the last three years into 2011, dreaming and fantasising and hoping for something that will continue to be out of my reach whilst continuing to suck every last spare dollar from my wallet.
Each year's end I have tried to quit. Each year I get closer to doing it successfully. My T believes I will come back in a few weeks Im sure. But the difference is this time half of me actually means it, and doesn't want to go back.I'm not sure yet whether i will... Perhaps after three years I am finally ready to go. But I have put in three hard years.

Your feelings are completely normal, I have shared them, Im sure many others do too. It's not easy. My advice to you is do not exit the therapy until you are doing so because you are ready, not because you are running from your feelings. Running away before they are resolved won't do you any good. Not if you are wanting to make permanent changes in your life.

Good luck.

[WikidPissah]

a bit of a different spin, but here I go. If you like your T so much that you aren't honest with him/her because you don't want to disappoint, anger, etc...then you need to make a change to someone you don't care about as much. But if your feelings for your T help you to be brutally honest and upfront, hang in there. I know it hurts now, but I hear that eventually it gets better.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Paraclete

... Each year I get closer to doing it successfully. .this time half of me actually means it, and doesn't want to go back.....

If I had quit when at least half of me didnt want to go back, i would never have made it to 3 yrs. And since the whole journey is longer for some than for others, at 3 yrs i know I'm not "done" yet and need to just do it.

The appearance of transference, as I read, means that you are doing well Paraclete. It's uncomfortable, humiliating, and weird, but it has a very good usefulness and if you run from it now you will be throwing away all your work of 3 yrs.
Therapy is definitely hard work. Hugs to you Tiberius (and Paraclete)

Perhaps the answer is personal to each of us. For me, the answer would be that it definitely wouldn't make sense to stop therapy because of transference, because the 'transference' doesn't only happen in therapy. I develop these feelings in my real life too, and they have caused me huge amounts of distress my whole life.

Perhaps it also depends on how much we need therapy, and what for. You say you are certain your life would be better if you had never gone into therapy. I am certain that I would be dead. I had to do DBT to save my life, and this meant I had no choice but to put up with the grief and pain of the therapeutic relationship that came with it.

I do sometimes still worry about this dilemma though. Sometimes the things which hurt us most are the things which heal us. But sometimes... they just hurt us. And especially when many of us have a history of hurting ourselves so badly, how are we to know which is which?

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

[soniyou]

Originally Posted by Tiberius

Transference is not an obscure concept or something that rarely happens. It's central to psychotherapy. Even the description of this forum tells the story: "A place to discuss psychotherapy issues, such as transference, choosing a therapist, when to terminate, etc." So while it is true that my therapist probably was not purposely being abusive or trying to hurt me, she did absolutely nothing to prevent me from falling into this trap which is highly unlikely that she did not see coming. For that reason, I hold my therapist responsible for all the unnecessary pain that I have endured so far as a result of therapy.


I don't believe that the heartbreak is worth whatever personal insights I might acquire as a result of therapy. The only real insight that I have acquired so far is that if I had never received therapy today I would be a happier, healthier person. You can say that's just me, but you need to keep in mind that therapy is not for everyone. Therapy is not guaranteed to work 100% of the time with all patients, you know.

I mostly agree with you. I've been in therapy with two different male T's many years ago, and there was no transference, at least what I knew of. The one I'm seeing now is different..maybe he is trying to make me feel transference towards him, but as far as I can see that has nothing to do with why I see him. I struggle with motivation in daily life and stress/anxiety. What I see as his flirty mode gets in the way of me really getting into that..

Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8
You're right that your feelings won't be reciprocated, but your T is not "just" doing a job. Ts really care about us; I've seen enough to know that's true. They don't feel the same way because it's the nature of therapy for us to have this transference reaction to them, and not vice versa (usually). But they feel caring too. I know I'm not "just a job" to my T.

But you are!

I don't think that you can make this judgement about someone else's therapy. I feel the same as Rainbow- I am not just a job to my therapist, and nobody can tell me otherwise because my T has demonstrated this in countless ways. But I don't think Rainbow or I are experiencing erotic transference, so perhaps the situations aren't comparable...

[ECHOES]

I believe that transference is a gift. It is a gift that shows us how we relate to all people because it's about what comes from within us, and about our fears and hopes and how they affect our relationships. A gift to learn more about ourselves and one thing to learn may be that we feel like running when a relationship feels (sexually or non-sexually) intimate.

[BlackCanary]

YES, It makes sense to me to consider terminating because of positive transference toward your therapist. I used to consider this about 1x a month, should I change therapists to end this torture?
Each time, I determined that I was getting good results from the therapy, and that I was not coming to therapy each week simply because I loved the T. So I did not quit. Our therapy did end when he got a job at a hospital. I got a new T.

BUT what I learned from my new T is that these powerful feelings I had were directly connected to the topic/content I was discussing with my exT. ExT did NOT make this connection for me, which is why I really suffered since I did not understand WHY these powerful feelings were present.
My logical self knew that the feelings were about something else - other relationships. But lacking the understanding of WHY, I ended up feeling guilty and ashamed of my feelings, the mental betrayal of my spouse. I permitted myself to love this other man, to dream of kissing him.

If your T cannot talk to you about this element, or cannot help you make the connections from present to past, then maybe you do need another T.

[Loveart]

Originally Posted by Tiberius

Same here.


I have yet to read a story of a person who overcame erotic transference and became a happier, healthier human being. All the stories I have read so far concerning this type of transference are either from people like us who are currently in therapy and struggling with their feelings, people who finished therapy and were left heartbroken, or female patients who were taken advantage of by male therapists. Unfortunately, I don't have as much faith as you do and don't see light at the end of the tunnel. It seems to me that the longer I play this game the larger the cancer will grow and the more miserable I'll be in the long run.


That's probably true, but throughout the course of my therapist's career she has probably worked with a countless number of patients just like me. To my therapist I am just another body who came into her office and paid her for her services.


I believe that such feelings should be mentioned, not discussed. Honestly, if the patient can't see the moral of the story (ie: "find yourself a girlfriend/boyfriend!", "find a new wife/husband!", "fix your marriage!") then the patient probably has more problems than the therapist can help him/her with. What's the discussion going to consist of? The patient's trying to make the therapist feel guilty for not reciprocating his/her feelings? The patient's begging the therapist to feel attracted to him/her and act unethically? Just because a person has accepted that he or she has problems and finally resorts to professional help doesn't mean that it's acceptable for him/her to act childishly and stupidly.


Transference is not an obscure concept or something that rarely happens. It's central to psychotherapy. Even the description of this forum tells the story: "A place to discuss psychotherapy issues, such as transference, choosing a therapist, when to terminate, etc." So while it is true that my therapist probably was not purposely being abusive or trying to hurt me, she did absolutely nothing to prevent me from falling into this trap which is highly unlikely that she did not see coming. For that reason, I hold my therapist responsible for all the unnecessary pain that I have endured so far as a result of therapy.


But you are!


Not necessarily.


I don't believe that the heartbreak is worth whatever personal insights I might acquire as a result of therapy. The only real insight that I have acquired so far is that if I had never received therapy today I would be a happier, healthier person. You can say that's just me, but you need to keep in mind that therapy is not for everyone. Therapy is not guaranteed to work 100% of the time with all patients, you know.

For what it's worth, I TOTALLY understand the pain and feeling 'torn apart' inside. On the one hand, I feel like it would be easier to terminate so that the pain will go away. However, on the other hand, the process of terminating seems equally painful, and the thought of not seeing my T, not having him as a part of my life every week, is unthinkable at this point. So, for me, I have decided to stick with it. One way I have dealt with it is to try to remember that I really know very little about my T as a whole PERSON. He is a great T and rarely shares lots of personal information because the sessions are supposed to be about me and working on myself. A related thought is that I have no idea what his personal life is like -- whether married or divorced or single, although I think he is married. The most DIFFICULT thing for me is that there is mutual chemistry between us which is clear but I know that it is best for me right now not to talk about the 'elephant in the room.' In the end, if I actually do CARE about him, rather than just wanting him to fall madly in love with me, I will think about what's good for him and his professional career== to keep it professional, to practice great therapy, to love his family.... I am married right now and dealing with problems in my marriage so I realize that I am in a particularly vulnerable state -- wanting to look to someone caring, smart, empathic, funny, attractive -- as I'm dealing with the failures in my marriage and not connecting to my husband. These issues with my marriage are REAL -- this is what I have committed to working on, working on how I will make changes in my life so that I can live. What is REAL about my relationship with my T is that he is an amazing T and I am so grateful for him in my life as a T at this time.

I send all good wishes and luck your way. I know it's not easy -- hang in there. the therapy experience is different for everybody and I know you will find your way.