[sittingatwatersedge]

all

My T is going in for surgery soon. It's not anything concerning the vital organs, but I looked up the procedure & it's usually done under general anaesthesia.

My T is a tiny person, 72 yrs old, and It has occurred to me that she may not come through. The thought occurred to me that I could ask T to write me one of those Letters To Be Opened In Case Of ... I don't want to scare her by asking, but I'm scared for her, and for me too. I would be left all alone and I know I could never start over with someone else, my trust issues are too strong.

Two questions, for those PC people who are currently in therapy:
Can you see yourself asking such a thing of yr T?
What would you envision as yr T's response to such a request?

[Marie123]

My guess is....she would understand.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, that certainly is stressful.

Yes, I can see myself asking T to write something for me to hold onto. Although I'd like it to be something that I wouldn't have to wait to open. I would want it to be something I could carry with me and refer to any time I needed to.

I envision my T being willing to provide me with that, but I'm sure he would ask me what I wanted him to address. For me, I would ask for his reassurance of his caring for me, what he feels towards me, what my strong points are, what I still need work on, and some reassurance that I will be ok.

I would ask, though I know it is hard.

I once asked old T if something happened to her, would someone let me know? It was a really good conversation, and she realized she had not planned every detail if that were to happen, so it sparked some deep thought and planning for her too.

[elliemay]

Oh my goodness! I asked my therapist how he planned to notify his patients if he died.

Would I just show up?
Would I have to read his obituary?

As it turns out he had never thought of that.

But heartily thanked me for being so optimistic

Bottom line, you have a right to know and the right to ask for what you want. I predict that she will be very receptive to the idea of the letter and that you are scared too.

[sunrise]

Everyone's situation and relationship with their T is different. For me and mine, I would not ask this of my T. I would think that going for the surgery is stressful enough for him and I would want him to think optimistically and not devote time to writing notes to his clients in case he dies. If he was going to spend time dwelling on providing closure if he died, I would want him to direct it to those in his personal life, like his wife. At our last session before the surgery, I would probably give him a positive sort of verbal message, like "see you next time!" and give him a big hug, with maybe a little tighter squeeze than usual. I would not want him to worry about me in this time of danger to his own health. If he died, I would have many wonderful memories.

I might share my worries about his health and the surgery with him. Like I might say, "I'm worried about your surgery," and see where he went with it. If he didn't want to talk about it, I wouldn't press. But I also might not bring this up.

That is just me. That is just my relationship with my T. I can understand that others would choose differently.

SAWE, I wish your T a very successful surgery and speedy recovery.

[Fartraveler]

My T is 76 -- a very intrepid 76 -- but still.

And yes, I've talked about this sort of thing with her.

She doesn't have any problems with topics like this. Partly I think that's because she thinks that it's important to work through difficult topics. Partly I think it's just because she's worked out her own stuff about death and all that.

I don't know that I personally would ask my T for a letter. She would probably just try to make me talk about why I wanted it. I don't think she'd actually give me anything; she's not much of one for transitional objects. But she wouldn't get upset or anything.

-Far

I think if my T trusted me enough to share information with me, I would share my concerns for her health and well being.I would also say how much I enjoy her as my T and how I look forward to her return. I doubt I would ask for a letter though.

I wish your T a very successful and speedy recovery!

[Melbadaze]

I've spoken about T dying before and she told me there were people she knew that would work with me if that happened. But would I ask what you want to ask? Hell yeah...ask her and I fully understand your fears and needs around this.

[SpiritRunner]

Dear sawe.....ask! I think it would be better to ask and have her come through fine, than not ask and wish you had! I think she would surely understand.
My T is young, only a little past 40, not lots older than me....so this isn't a worry I have (though I know things happen....)
As to your ?s - yes I would ask, and yes I think she would! As a matter of fact, I have sometimes thought of asking her to write me a letter that I could keep with me after we are done with our work and I would no longer see her on a regular basis.....though I get the feeling we will be together a while yet! Though I will have to work up the courage to do that, I certainly plan on it, because if I don't, it will bother me more that I didn't than it will bother me to ask!

I don't know. It seems really morbid to me to ask someone, "Hey, in case you die . . . " just as they are getting ready for a very stressful event in their life. You know, it's a time for good wishes, not in case I die letters. That kind of letter, to me, should be reserved for close family members. And even then, that is a mighty high request.

[with or without you]

Mine had knee surgery around 6 or 7 years ago. I didn't say anything, other than "good luck", but I remember saying a prayer for her...and it was more of a selfish reason, I think. You know, "please don't take her away from me!"

[deliquesce]

i tend to agree with sunny and farmergirl - it's not something i would ask for, especially from someone about to undergo surgery. but then, i've been under GA when i was an absolutely tiny amount of weight (about 15kgs under the "minimum" healthy range for my height/age etc), so i also don't see GA as something particularly concerning.

also, i think about my friend who has cancer and was told 3 years ago that he didn't have long to live... he still goes in for surgery these days (relapse) and it's all still touch and go, but the best thing i can do is to remain positive and give him a hug and talk to him about the future (what we'll do after he's out of his hospital gown). if he doesn't pull through (which we all know is a possibility, though i also believe it's remote) then i've always got many beautiful memories of the time that we have shared. but i also know he's goinig to pull through, and i need him to know i believe in him too.

[Marie123]

I told my t that if he died before me, it would be so awful, because the only person I would want to share my grief with.......would be gone.

My t also had cancer close to his eye, years ago; I felt like it happened to me. i was so concerned. he wore an eye patch, and I came in wearing an eye patch, also!

Talk about empathy, LOl, LOL

[missbelle]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

all

My T is going in for surgery soon. It's not anything concerning the vital organs, but I looked up the procedure & it's usually done under general anaesthesia.

My T is a tiny person, 72 yrs old, and It has occurred to me that she may not come through. The thought occurred to me that I could ask T to write me one of those Letters To Be Opened In Case Of ... I don't want to scare her by asking, but I'm scared for her, and for me too. I would be left all alone and I know I could never start over with someone else, my trust issues are too strong.

Two questions, for those PC people who are currently in therapy:
Can you see yourself asking such a thing of yr T?
What would you envision as yr T's response to such a request?

Personally I would not ask. Your therapist is concerned enough right now for her health. Let her be. 72 is not that old anymore and its sounds like elective surgery. I don't know about you but when I had surgery I had to go thru a ton of pre-tests so they knew surgery would be safe. Its not like the old days. We have modern medicine today and if t is having surgery its because they are WELL enough to have it Your therapist is a regular person with her own life and concerns. Please give her support not frighten her like she won't make it out of surgery!!

[ladyjrnlist]

To me, that is too personal a question and it crosses the line. I wouldn't ask for that myself. I know you are concerned, but you have to try to step back a little from this one.

[SpiritRunner]

I do agree that this is a delicate question and personal, but I also think there are delicate ways this could be approached.....and I don't think there is anything wrong with expressing the wish for a letter 'in case of....' in general. If the T relationship has been long-term, and the bond/attachment is strong and secure, I think perhaps such a request in that case is more reasonable, understandable, and not so inappropriate as it may be in a T relationship which is more short-term or is still in its beginning or isn't a secure attachment......

sawe, i'm not currently in therapy but my T was close to the age of your T so i hope it's ok if i respond. personally, i wouldn't ask for such a letter but i think it's fine to express worry to her about the surgery. i would feel i was burdening my former T at a stressful time by asking for a 'in case you die' letter. maybe asking for a transitional object of hers to hold onto while she's in the hospital would be an alternate idea.

[sittingatwatersedge]

well this afternoon I will see T for the last time before her surgery. I've been unusually depressed for a week and am just DREADING this session. I won't be asking for a letter, thanks for helping me think that through.

pocket riders would be so welcome if any one is free.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

well this afternoon I will see T for the last time before her surgery. I've been unusually depressed for a week and am just DREADING this session.

Aha! So that's (part of) why!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

well this afternoon I will see T for the last time before her surgery. I've been unusually depressed for a week and am just DREADING this session. I won't be asking for a letter, thanks for helping me think that through.

pocket riders would be so welcome if any one is free.

I'm free! And glad you came to your answer of peace about the letter....I was wondering what you had decided. (probably better not to ask for it, I came to see that myself after arguing with myself about it! )

[rainbow8]

It's probably too late for pocket riders, but I'm thinking of you, SAWE. I hope your session went okay and that maybe you expressed your fears to your T even if you didn't ask for a letter. I know how hard this must be for you!! Please post how you are after your session.

SAWE, probably too late but can I sit with you for the rest of the day after you say 'bye for now' to T?

What a tough situation. Have you and T talked about ways to manage during the break? Are there things you could work towards for when she comes back? Anything that makes you act like it's a certainty that she will be coming back (which she will )? Maybe these are all thoughts for another day, and today you just need to be, and recover from the session you were dreading.

Thinking of you so much . Do let us know how it went...