[Melbadaze]

So T always sends a card when we have a break. All week I waited, and when the postman come this morning and nothing, I knew that was it. I sat feeling intense pain, reliving all the times when I've so badly wanted someone to care and they just couldnt fill that role.

I wrote one email to T, but it was causing great conflict within me, because I know I wanted her to feel bad, because thats how I was raised, guilt, guilt, guilt, and I was really really struggling with the thinking that I Have, and deleted that email and then read one of my morning emails I subscribe too and it was about guilt, and talking about how guilt is a useless if we let it hold us back and how we should just accept we did something wrong and instead of hanging onto that just look at what we could do different next time.

Well the thing is I realised that I was trying to make T feel guilt, but I didnt want to really, but just felt this was the only way I could try and get what i need, throw back again to my upbringing, thats how I was raised, guilt!

THen I begun another email and felt that was really laying the guilt onto thick and in the background was thoughts of how selfish this all was and what if T has had something happen and sending me a card was the last thing on her mind, so I backspace what I'd written to a simple sentence - "Normally you send a word, this time nothing and it hurts and I wish it didnt".

T replied quite soon after and said that yes it did matter she hadn't anything and didnt mean to hurt me and if ok she'd email me later. I felt warmth reading that but felt uncomfortable at the offer to email later, it felt to contrived, but just left it and an hour later she emailed saying she had been to see a sculpture exhibition of modern adn old sculptures and the card she wanted to get me was on available in bookmark and that she would give me it on Monday when we meet.

I was amazed at how she could make something no be contrived, how honest this all was, and I felt this new pathway being made in my mind, and realised just how much my past teachings are "completely shot".

I didnt feel shame or guilt myself about this, like I thought I would, because of T's genuiness and honesty, I cant explain it, it just felt so good, I guess partly in my head I felt I was being punished for my outburst in our last session because thats also my upbringing, punishment, and I thought she'd respond with my punishment for me emailing her and telling her how let down I felt, teling her I hurt, but she took that hurt in her hand and comforted it, this I realise is a map in my head and heart that is missing.

I hope the day when I can not jump to the negative conclusions first is over sooner rather than later, trying to not do what you've always done is the hardest thing in this world harder than childbirth!!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

So T always sends a card when we have a break. All week I waited, and when the postman come this morning and nothing, I knew that was it. I sat feeling intense pain, reliving all the times when I've so badly wanted someone to care and they just couldnt fill that role.

I wrote one email to T, but it was causing great conflict within me, because I know I wanted her to feel bad, because thats how I was raised, guilt, guilt, guilt, and I was really really struggling with the thinking that I Have, and deleted that email and then read one of my morning emails I subscribe too and it was about guilt, and talking about how guilt is a useless if we let it hold us back and how we should just accept we did something wrong and instead of hanging onto that just look at what we could do different next time.

Well the thing is I realised that I was trying to make T feel guilt, but I didnt want to really, but just felt this was the only way I could try and get what i need, throw back again to my upbringing, thats how I was raised, guilt!

THen I begun another email and felt that was really laying the guilt onto thick and in the background was thoughts of how selfish this all was and what if T has had something happen and sending me a card was the last thing on her mind, so I backspace what I'd written to a simple sentence - "Normally you send a word, this time nothing and it hurts and I wish it didnt".

T replied quite soon after and said that yes it did matter she hadn't anything and didnt mean to hurt me and if ok she'd email me later. I felt warmth reading that but felt uncomfortable at the offer to email later, it felt to contrived, but just left it and an hour later she emailed saying she had been to see a sculpture exhibition of modern adn old sculptures and the card she wanted to get me was on available in bookmark and that she would give me it on Monday when we meet.

I was amazed at how she could make something no be contrived, how honest this all was, and I felt this new pathway being made in my mind, and realised just how much my past teachings are "completely shot".

I didnt feel shame or guilt myself about this, like I thought I would, because of T's genuiness and honesty, I cant explain it, it just felt so good, I guess partly in my head I felt I was being punished for my outburst in our last session because thats also my upbringing, punishment, and I thought she'd respond with my punishment for me emailing her and telling her how let down I felt, teling her I hurt, but she took that hurt in her hand and comforted it, this I realise is a map in my head and heart that is missing.

I hope the day when I can not jump to the negative conclusions first is over sooner rather than later, trying to not do what you've always done is the hardest thing in this world harder than childbirth!!

Wow, I really admire how much insight you have in all this...and how you thought through this, your reactions, your feelings....I'm glad T got you the bookmark. Feelings just are, but how we react to them are part of our conditioning. You're learning to change that, which is awesome.

[Suratji]

"not jump to negative conclusions" - boy, isn't that an issue so many of us have? And it's so instant in my case. I always seem to condemn people and assign them motives that aren't true. In therapy I'm learning that that comes from a painful history and that we project (transfer) what we experienced from other people onto new people. Aaarrgggh! so hard to change our behaviors but when we become conscious of them, there is hope (I've been told)

[ECHOES]

"Normally you send a word, this time nothing and it hurts and I wish it didnt".

Melba's genius and honesty, too!! It is so awesome that you were able to get right to the core of your experience and say it in the "When you.... I feel" mode. It was precise and connecting and in touch with your feelings. Awesome!

[missbelle]

wow, What a nice "T" you have to send a card when you are on a break! Its such a great idea too. Never had one like that!! You're blessed that you and T have a great relationship despite how you feel once in a while!!...and thats o.k. too!!

Hugs;

Originally Posted by ECHOES

It is so awesome that you were able to get right to the core of your experience and say it in the "When you.... I feel" mode. It was precise and connecting and in touch with your feelings. Awesome!

I agree. This was honest, and not blaming, and got right to the heart of what was going on.

I'm glad your T responded and was able to give you just what you needed. there is so much healing in those moments.