[Suratji]

Has anyone been so confused about themselves and so afraid that they end up making decisions that are so fear- based, that they just ruin your life? And secrets that just destroy all that is good? I want to run away and hide because the pressure is so great and I have no idea what to do. I will retreat to my cocoon because it's safer there. Called in to my T to try to get in earlier next week. Fear is such a powerful motivator.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Has anyone been so confused about themselves and so afraid that they end up making decisions that are so fear- based, that they just ruin your life?

Ever? What about many times? Things that result in decades lost. Fortunately it is not happening now, but it did.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Has anyone been so confused about themselves and so afraid that they end up making decisions that are so fear- based, that they just ruin your life? And secrets that just destroy all that is good? I want to run away and hide because the pressure is so great and I have no idea what to do. I will retreat to my cocoon because it's safer there. Called in to my T to try to get in earlier next week. Fear is such a powerful motivator.

Suratji.. My answer is "yes" to all of your questions. Do you want to be a little more specific about what happened? Maybe it will help to share? I know all about running back to the cocoon....I am there now. BUT, you posted here. I think that's a great step in reaching out. Glad you called your T. Thinking of you.

[Suratji]

I'm re-posting these lyrics from another thread because this is really where I'm at now. It's so much easier to just be alone. Trying to figure out how to maneuver in the world is way too hard. Relationships are fraught with danger. I don't understand myself and therefore do not understand my own motives. Therapy though has unveiled a forgotten memory of my father taking his belt off. I don't remember anymore about that but it may explain why I have such a fear response to anything that looks like disapproval or my 'getting into trouble'. My reactions are probably extreme. Hopefully my T can help me get through this but for now I'm withdrawing.

From Simon and Garfunkul:
I am a rock
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need for friendship; friendship causes pain,
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no once touches me.
I am a rock
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

[inbloom]

((((((Suratji))))))) I coud have written both of your posts, and I love the song...so relevant for me as well. You are definitely not alone, though I understand feeling as if you are. Feel free to PM me if you do feel like sharing more specifically.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Suratji

I am a rock

Do you ever look at yourself, or some other animal, made of bones and flesh and blood and all kinds of other very vulnerable stuff, easily squished? Pretty fragile, we are. We are not rocks. Good to keep that in mind; we are not supposed to be rocks. Our strengths are elsewhere.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Do you ever look at yourself, or some other animal, made of bones and flesh and blood and all kinds of other very vulnerable stuff, easily squished? Pretty fragile, we are. We are not rocks. Good to keep that in mind; we are not supposed to be rocks. Our strengths are elsewhere.

You're right - we can't be rocks but that doesn't prevent us from sometimes trying. I know I can't stay in this place. It will be a temporary refuge. I'm just so grateful that now in my life I have a T who will help me through this.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by Suratji

You're right - we can't be rocks but that doesn't prevent us from sometimes trying. I know I can't stay in this place. It will be a temporary refuge. I'm just so grateful that now in my life I have a T who will help me through this.

((((((Suratji)))))))..... it's ok to try to be a rock sometimes....just to take a break in that safe place. You just have to know that eventually you will talk again, share again, reach out again..... This is definitely what T is for and it sounds like you know this.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Ever? What about many times? Things that result in decades lost. Fortunately it is not happening now, but it did.

Oh Pachy, "they" say that experience is not learning from our mistakes, but learning new ways to make the same mistakes over and over again...