[Dani]

Today in therapy I expressed my frustration about not being able to talk in therapy and she asked me what she could do to help me talk. I honestly didn't know what to tell her, because I always have things in my mind that I want to say but I can't get them out. She gave me a pen and paper to write down how I am feeling and had me read it out loud and that was so terrifying.

She also got out some cards and had me pick up cards and read the question on the card out loud and answer them. I can't believe how hard even doing that was for me, because I kept worrying that my answers to the questions would sound stupid. I know it was hard for me, but I'm hoping that by doing this it will help me open up and talk to her.

Does anyone else have any suggestions on what T could do to help me talk?

[Suratji]

Dani - I wish I had ideas, I don't. I just talk too easily - I am self propelled. It seems though like your T is trying lots of different ideas to help you. Good luck

[rainbow8]

I think you and granite's T should get together and brainstorm! You'd think T's would have a course on "how to get people to talk". Maybe they could go to the selectivemutismgroup website (not its exact name) and talk to some experts.

I think Ts should get you to talk by doing things with you that DO NOT require you to talk much, at least at first. They should let you draw pictures or make collages. They should play a game with you. They should interact in ways that don't involve much talking so you get used to them. When I couldn't talk, I would still love to play games with people.

Maybe the T should go somewhere outside of the therapy room with you, even if it's just a walk down the street.

Maybe read a book together, one that you liked as a child. Would you bring one in to read together? Or do an art project together? Bring in family photos to talk about? It helped me when I had something IN MY HAND to talk about.

My T didn't use those ideas either, but I wish she had when I went to therapy when I was a child. There is something called "play therapy" for kids, but I think it could be adapted for adults. There MUST be literature about this subject on that website because it is about treating people who don't talk.

[mixedup_emotions]

Rainbow, you said it so well. I'd like to somehow put it back on T's hands to help find a way to make it work for you.

[skeksi]

My T helped me to talk by not helping me. He told me it was fine for me to not talk, that we could sit with me not talking for as long as I needed. When I said that was wasting our time, he said he disagreed and figured a lot was going on for me even when I wasn't talking. He was right.

He did some other tricks--drawing, playing a game, etc.--but the one that worked most was taking the pressure off of me. Eventually I got sick enough of being in my own head that I took the risk of speaking. His acceptance of my silence took the situation away from me recreating abuse--someone forcing me into doing something I didn't want to do--and let me be in control. It was hard to take control!

That might not work for you, but I think it's a worthwhile thing to explore why you feel you *must* speak. Maybe that will help you find an easier way to do it?

I sometimes bring a list of the things i need to get out. Sometimes i can't even say the things i need to tell her on the list, but at least i can hand her the list and it's a good start.

Did the cards help, Dani?

I know that for me, sometimes just finding SOME WAY to break the silence helps a lot. i can get so lost in my head, and the longer I don't talk, the scarier and scarier it feels to say anything. But if I can just say SOMETHING, anything, there is a little hope that I will say something else, and then something else after that.

I like the card idea, because even though you are still scared, you are talking.

And talking about not talking helps me too.

Sometimes, I ask T to tell me a story. And he does - something that happened to him, or something about an object in his office - and sometimes that triggers a thought in me and I end up talking. It feels more like a conversation then, and easier.

Therapy is hard

[Dani]

Thanks for all the suggestions, I'll keep them in mind.

I did think the card thing helped because it brought up different things to talk about. Some of them were hard, like one was describe the worst day of your life, and that was very difficult for me.

I think I will make a list of things that are on my mind and take it with me to therapy on Wednesday.

[Christina86]

Does your T allow emailing, or phone calls? Leaving a message of that sort always gives me something to talk about if I don't feel like talking.

I also like games or random conversations about stuff. Whatever automatically comes to mind -- keeping it light and "socially appropriate" at the beginning helps me to trust her with the more intense stuff that we discuss in therapy.

I also like something to play with or something to look at when talking, because I've found that it helps to not focus on silence or what I'm talking about sometimes. Otherwise I'd never talk about the intense stuff!

[Dani]

My T doesn't do email and the only phone number I have for her goes to the mental health center she works at, so if I leave a message, the receptionist gets it.

I do sometimes make random comments, like if the room is cold or mention something about the weather. But it annoys me when at the beginning of the session she asks how I'm doing, and I don't know what to say, so I usually just say fine. I'm not sure if she is just saying that to get the conversation going or if she really wants to know the truth about how I'm feeling. She did mention today that she sensed that something was wrong, but I couldn't find the words to express it. My thoughts have been all over the place this past week, and I actually called her last week when I was having some bad thoughts and it helped because I was actually able to talk over the phone and let her know how I was feeling.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think you and granite's T should get together and brainstorm! You'd think T's would have a course on "how to get people to talk". Maybe they could go to the selectivemutismgroup website (not its exact name) and talk to some experts.

Well said!

[lastyearisblank]

Hi Dani!
I noticed you have an avatar for Twilight. Could you bring in a video (the dvd) or a book or songs that express how you are feeling? That might help to give T an idea. I know I have brought in poems that I wrote to sessions in the past. It really helps to get at it indrectly sometimes.

[Dani]

Hi, thanks for responding. The avatar is actually from a movie called Speak, but it is the same actress from Twilight. I have brought in lyrics to songs that express how I'm feeling to my T, and this week I actually made a list of everything that's been on my mind lately, and she thanked me for sharing and said we will work on them. She's also been bringing out the cards with questions and that has been helping me to open up a little bit.

[granite1]

hello dani
i just want to say i know your frustration and fear.i have yet to be able to get over my inability to speak.and reciently i have gotten way off track of my goal of being able to and allowing my T to help.she has done a lot of things that i have totally resisted because of my fear of talking.she would do movement exersizes with me some art and relaxation.but i think i would benifit from just relaxing and letting it be ok not to talk and not worry that my T is frustrated or anything.i am hoping this will work monday and i can maybe do some art.she is real good believe it or not with communicating with art.i loved how she can express how she sees me in T.through the art she does when i am drawing.

[abience]

My fear was so bad that I would show up very late (with only 15 minutes left to be seen) or not show up at all. But I finally got to the point that the only person that could help me get better was me. At this point I was determined to face my fears, which I have a lot, and made myself go and forced myself to talk and participate in my treatment. It was one of the hardest things to do, but it has definitely made a huge difference. I can talk to my T about anything.

Good luck.
A

Art is a great idea!

Could you talk about why it's so hard to talk?

[Can't Stop Crying]

I was almost mute for the first year or so...I would bring in my journal and T would read out loud and give feedback. I usually just responded with a nod or something. Then T started asking open-ended questions that required me to speak and gradually I found my words. I also would sometimes bring in my sketch book because I am much better at expressing my emotions through art than through speech. It has been a long process, I'm lucky my T was patient enough to stick it out. I still resort to journals or sketchbooks when there is something really tough to get out, but that is rare now.

Another thing (my son and I see the same T), T will play cards with my son (he's 15) so he doesn't feel so much in the spotlight...

Just some thoughts...hope they help

Regarding why it's so hard to talk - for me it was shame about what I needed to say and the fear of not being heard, also a little bit of social anxiety was thrown in the mix.
Think about it - you have this person who you're supposed to spill your guts to and really know nothing about them? If you have any kind of trust issues...that makes the process hard. And there is a definite power imbalance in a therapeutic relationship that can make talking difficult.
Try to patient with yourself and start small...you will find your voice! In the end, no matter how you get there, finding your voice is a good feeling