[sugahorse1]

i know this has always been discussed at length, but need to get it out there again.
My BP II is pretty much in control, and I finally have meds that keep me somewhat stable and far away from depression.
The last T session I went to (we'd had a 2 week break as T had some committment), was almost a waste of time. Initially I had been scareed to go 2 weeks without an appointment, and when I finally got there, i was slightly hypomanic and had nothing to say. It landed up a chit chat session. In light of that, T asked if I could make it another 2 weeks? I could always e-mail or set up another app in between. Weel, it wasn't necessary.
Last week Friday we were supposed to meet, and she had to cancel due to being ill. We're now going into 3 weeks of no therapy. I do have the odd thing I need to deal with-self-worth, self-soothing, stress management, relationships with parents, feelings of rejection... But they no longer consume my life.
At the same Time, i wonder if I'm just getting attached to my T, and am afraid of losing her, a part of my life...? And when the wheels fall off, i won't have her as a crutch... She hasn't phoned to make a new appointment, and I'm considering just not going back. Kind of like termination on my terms; not having to say an official good bye. Because that would hurt too much.
I'm just too confused right now. And probably miss my T-but do I need to see her! I know I need to feel the caring I get from her...

[rainbow8]

It's nice to see you around again, sugahorse! How long have you been seeing your T? Maybe the best plan now is for you to still see her every few weeks until you are more sure whether you're ready for termination or not. She seems to think every couple of weeks is a good choice right now based on your last session. But it's not cut in stone.

What I strongly feel is that "not going back" because it would hurt too much to say goodbye or to accept that you are attached to your T and are afraid to continue therapy (not sure which it is for you--maybe both) is not a good idea. Although it's hard, termination of therapy is a process and is part of the therapy. Now you have something to discuss at your next session, which is your feeling of wanting to quit without saying goodbye and avoiding feeling hurt!

[ladyjrnlist]

You should at least go back to discuss termination. You want to end on a good note if at all possible.

[turquoisesea]

I agree that you should at least go back to talk about this very question.

Also, I do think that it's good to have a therapist around. Right now, my mental stuff is not severaly impacting my life. It crops up now and again but its getting managed well. Therapy is mixed (once a month or once 2-3 weeks) - sometimes just chit chat, sometimes bigger issues (and heres the important part) that I was unable to talk about when I was depressed or having trouble.

Do you have any lingering issues that you weren't able to fully face when at a lower state? do you still have some issues that could be worked on in general?

My advice to you is to think about these things and try to be pro-active in your treatment, cover your past as well as your present. Now is a chance, if you need it, to cover some issues that could affect you later down the road.

If you don't have anything lingering, maybe you can reduce the sessions to once a month, with the option to call in if necessary.

[Sannah]

You have things to work on Suga. What are you talking about? There was a reason why you used the last session for chit chat.

[venusss]

My BP II is pretty much in control, and I finally have meds that keep me somewhat stable and far away from depression.

I know you put a lot of trust in your meds and you had rough time recently and I am glad you been able to stabilize it. But how do you know other episode won't come? Imho, most important part of dealing with this disorder is not the chemical coctails... but being able to handle the emotions when they come. and they do come and often without warning. Maybe that is something you can work on? How to separate your moods and feelings from yourself? Learning to living in wider range of moods could be very beneficial.

[lastyearisblank]

Either choice might be a good one-- you can finish with this t or stay. Sometimes when it starts to feel like you're running out of things to say, it might mean you've gotten all you can out of one relationship. But that doesn't necessarily mean that your journey is over.

It's a strange feeling realizing you have outgrown someone, for me I can not take that feeling, I will push it away. But do you think that might be what is happening?

[Sweetlove]

Suga, I really think you should tell your T exactly what your thinking...what's the worst that can happen, you are already considering termination. Tell her that even though there are times when you feel stable and in control, there are still those times that are questionable and you still feel like you need a constant support right now. You're not comfortable with going every two weeks and you feel lilke that isn't enough right now.

When I was faced with the decision to go twice a week...I wanted my T to just tell me that's what he wanted or thought was best. But, he wanted ME to say it. Once I finally said "I want twice a week" he said "good, I wanted YOU to say it". Sometimes they need us to ask for what we want because they don't want to influence us in any way.

However, if you feel that your T isn't right for you anymore, or that you have gotten all you can from her...maybe it is time to move on and find a better fit right now. Do whatever you feel is best for you.

Take care

[sunrise]

For BP, with its ups and downs, it can be good to have a regular T, even if you don't see them that regularly. They can help keep you on track, even if it's just asking how you're doing with your current meds, how your mood is, your relationships, your diet, exercise, etc. Things can change so quickly, and the meds can stop working, etc. So even if you only see your T once a month, it might be worth keeping the relationship semi-active.

I have been through the experience of having a longer interval between my sessions, and after a few weeks, I remember feeling, hey I'm doing just fine and it's been 3 weeks, this must mean I don't need to see my T after all. That was not true. I still benefit from therapy even though I see him only every 3-4 weeks.

[Gently1]

Hi Suga,
With so many questions, take them to T, and see what happens.

The other good ideas are the idea of tune-ups, and a knowing you have a backup should you require the 'service' in the future without the starting up delays. Getting help earlier if needed.

I am not as far along in my T as you are, thanks for the questions.
g1

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by Gently1

Hi Suga,
With so many questions, take them to T, and see what happens.

The other good ideas are the idea of tune-ups, and a knowing you have a backup should you require the 'service' in the future without the starting up delays. Getting help earlier if needed.

I am not as far along in my T as you are, thanks for the questions.
g1

Completely agree!!

[sugahorse1]

wow-a lot for me to digest and nearly brought me to tears. I'll try and answer as many questions as I can remember.
Thanks for everyone's thoughts and inputs.
Firstly, i do think I am attached to my T, and don't think it's right-I know this happens, but I also understand the professional aspect of the relationship, and I really don't want to get tangled in a web.
@ Sannah- you say I still have things to work through, as my last session was just chit chat. Please elaborate.
@ Venus- i know that with BP there is likely to be some more ups and downs. As I'm not going through major mania or depression right now, I find it hard to work on my emotions, as I'm not feeling them right now. But I sure do want to learn this.
I have told T that the thought of termination scared me-the first time she suggested going to once every 2 weeks, I panicked and said that the end must be coming up, and that it scared me. So she said it was exactly what I needed to learn.
I think right now the main thing I still battle with-closely related to depression-is that chronic feeling of lonliness and emptiness. Feeling rejected. Probably stems from my mom and me never having been close; there's never been an issue between us, she loves me, but i feel we've never bonded- i haven't made the effort. But I'm always looking for 'mother-figures' elsewhere, and get hurt in the process. Vicious cycle.
I did tell T is wanted to work on this. So, on the whole it seems like therapy is a part of my life. And I really do like my T, even though I've only been seeing her about 8 months.
How do I then handle those sessions where I genuinely don't feel there's anything to discuss? When I feel well, happy and fine? Possibly Hypomanic..
I think I'm trying to subscribe to the motto of: do something properly, or don't do it at all. And it probably cannot apply to therapy. It seems there is place for once a month sessions. I just need to get my head around it. Not feel like there's an end, nor that I've been abandoned-I know that sounds a bit harsh

[Gently1]

"suga
How do I then handle those sessions where I genuinely don't feel there's anything to discuss? When I feel well, happy and fine? Possibly Hypomanic..
G1 My suggestion is to keep a log of 'ideas' for dicussion. Then bring print out to T.
example last week I was finally able to catch and injured and sick black bird to take to a Vet clinic to be euthanized. Sad. Had been following his ups and downs for a few months before he contracted a nasty eye infection and was weakend enough for me to catch. To give him a good death and the feelings around this will be good for me to work on tomorrow.

The motto you state is for me an excuse to procrastinate!
I think I'm trying to subscribe to the motto of: do something properly, or don't do it at all."
Bring this motto to your next session!

It is not so much about the details of what is discussed it is the what can be taken and used outside of the session. The details in my case often stop me from looking a the bigger picture. So creating a learning experiance about myself in the context of the situation is the value my Therapy is brought to me by my T.

Last week I told him he would be an excellant riding coach, as he teachs the person how to be their own trainer.

take care Suga
G1

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

@ Sannah- you say I still have things to work through, as my last session was just chit chat. Please elaborate.

I find it hard to work on my emotions, as I'm not feeling them right now. But I sure do want to learn this.

I think right now the main thing I still battle with-closely related to depression-is that chronic feeling of lonliness and emptiness.

Feeling rejected.

I'm always looking for 'mother-figures' elsewhere, and get hurt in the process. Vicious cycle.

You answered your own question here. I'm only saying that you have issues to work on because you have been talking about them here.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Sannah - I think it's quite scary that I have to admit that the answers ARE within me..
Gently1 - I will start making lists. I used to mail T between sessions with things I wanted to discuss, and now I just can't think of much anymore. It's kind of easier when you are really stuck in that deep hole.

T cancelled last week Friday, because she was sick; and she has not yet contacted me to make a new appointment...what on earth does that mean? I think it's making me angry, and possibly a bit abandoned. Right now I am acting all tough and refusing to contact her first. Maybe this is the end...?

[lastyearisblank]

Endings should not be this way.. you have so much insight sugahorse but reading your post it doesn't feel "done" to me.... I say go back!

Originally Posted by sugahorse

T cancelled last week Friday, because she was sick; and she has not yet contacted me to make a new appointment...what on earth does that mean? I think it's making me angry, and possibly a bit abandoned. Right now I am acting all tough and refusing to contact her first. Maybe this is the end...?

Stubborn any? Pick up the phone and make the appointment. The longer you put it off, the longer it will be until you get in.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I just can't think of much anymore. It's kind of easier when you are really stuck in that deep hole.

This ^ is important.

Originally Posted by sugahorse

T cancelled last week Friday, because she was sick; and she has not yet contacted me to make a new appointment...

what on earth does that mean?

I think it's making me angry, and possibly a bit abandoned. Right now I am acting all tough and refusing to contact her first.

Maybe this is the end...?

The end? Now this is a big jump.........

[Gently1]

Gently1 - I will start making lists. I used to mail T between sessions with things I wanted to discuss, and now I just can't think of much anymore. It's kind of easier when you are really stuck in that deep hole.

Suga, my T does not use email for anything personal, appointments only but that option has never been used.

Also I think if I could email on every ( ) I would not get the time to work out my own stuff.
As I record issues as they come up, by the apppointment time the ideas/feelings are clearer in my mind, and if my mind is not clear ( often) at the appointment then I have my list. Win/Win.

Do not hesitate to make that call, take assertive action, it is for your benefit!

G1

[sugahorse1]

Gently- i used to compile 1 e-mail between sessions. Sometimes I'd take a good few days to compile it.
T texted me y/day to make an appointment for Friday, and I couldn't bring myself to answer. I'm not quite sure what emotions I was feeling, but I also know I am not ready to discuss them with her. I guess I'm kind of embarrassed that I should have such conflicting emotions about therapy and T- hurt, anger, rejection, loneliness (not quite sure which fit the bill)
Now I am also going through major stress at work, and not thinking too well as it is.
After another text about our appointment this morning, I finally replied to confirm. I don't know where to really start. I know I cannot handle these feelings and emotions that come about after 3 weeks of no therapy. I'm used to going weekly. And I know there will be sessions where I have nothing to say, and others where the wheels fall off.

@ Sannah - I don't know if it's due to my meds, but I really cannot be very introspective when I'm feeling stable - guess this is then more numb..? And when I am depressed, I really can wallow in it.
Will see where tomorrow's session takes me. I really feel embarrassed at my emotions. Still battling with the idea of transference; especially that I am supposed to accept it, and understand that it is acceptable and normal.

At least, it seems like this break has evoked some emotions and issues. I know when we did discuss what would happen once we reached terminattion, T said that it would be a gradual process, and I'd learn how to say good-bye and let go.
I think I may have a tendency to just suddenly cut ties, or just never really learn to let go-in any situation.
Gosh- this conversation with myself is actually a bit more than I can handle right now.

[venusss]

@ Sannah - I don't know if it's due to my meds, but I really cannot be very introspective when I'm feeling stable - guess this is then more numb..? And when I am depressed, I really can wallow in it.

That does sound more like numb... or maybe you deep down don't want to deal with the bad things when they are not happening. Which is natural, but it is not helpful when the crisis comes.

[sugahorse1]

thanks Venus.
Yes, by the time I deal with the issues, I'm in a crisis, and it becomes more crisis management than long term coping skills. You are right.
Think me seeing T tomorrow is going to be hard and painful, but imperative.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((( suga )))))))) I hope it goes well for you.

[eskielover]

Last week Friday we were supposed to meet, and she had to cancel due to being ill. We're now going into 3 weeks of no therapy. I do have the odd thing I need to deal with-self-worth, self-soothing, stress management, relationships with parents, feelings of rejection... But they no longer consume my life.

You definitely have serious things to work on during your NON-Crisis times. My psychologist got me started in the DBT group they offer at the clinic.........then we go over the diary cards & the issues that come up just goint through the DBT & the thoughts that come up....it points out the things that I really didn't see in my mind when just going to my appointments & talking. The mindfulness & working through my thoughts on an everyday basis really brings up points I would otherwise miss.

My major crisis time now is in Fall through January. It's interesting as just yesterday, some thoughts hit me just watching a movie that brought me back to the fears I felt when going through the trauma. Watching the movie was for me to relax & had no idea the trigger was even in the movie.....also realized some thoughts from childhood that have been a part of the anorexia issues......thinking I never bothered recognizing before & started to focus on it through the DBT group.

Maybe your T can get you involved in something like that so that it will enhance your T & give you points to work on during your non-crisis time so that when a crisis time hits, you will have better skills to cope.

[sugahorse1]

Eskie-I think 2moro will be a great recap session. I have been taking strain and been on such auto-pilot mode the last few days, I've even scared myself at times. I really need this session to get myself grounded again. It's going to feel akward to pick up where we left off 3 weeks ago, but I need it.
Thanks for all your support. I do hope to maybe get into a group, or otherwise I have been setting up a network of people in my area-we check in via mail.
Xxx