[bounceback]

I am just wondering if anybody has been vulnerable with their therapists and told them something like I am glad to see you, I missed you, I love you etc, and all they said was thank you or nothing at all. If so, how did it make you feel?

[with or without you]

It stings a little, but I am able to remind myself that it isn't T's obligation to return anything I communicate to her regarding her well-being or how much affection I have for her.

[PTSDlovemycats]

I haven't come across a negative reply so far, thankfully.

[bounceback]

I told my therapist I missed her when I she was sick last week. It is okay if she didn't miss me too. She said thank you. I don't why it bothered me so much but it does when I am being vulnerable and get responses like that.

I don't tell people I love them much. When my last therapist left, I told her I loved her. She said thank you. That bothered me too.

My first therapist I told her I loved her when she left, and she didn't say nothing. I had to ask her if she even heard me.

It makes me feel like I am not likable and that I mean nothing, not even to a therapist.

I don't even know if I will bring it up in my next appointment.

[karebear1]

That's so sad bounceback. It would most definetly bother me to say something lke that to my T and not have her respond in anyway. Don't they want you to make yourself vulnerable? If that's not vulnerable- I don't know what is. Just know that it's not because you're not lovable..... because you are.

[lastyearisblank]

A good therapist would be really happy to hear you say this. Not only because it's very sweet and generous to love your therapist. But also because that's the goal of therapy (loving people and being able to express it!)! That's like where you're trying to get in the end! Sheesh!

I can't believe they didn't respond.. sounds like it's their issue not yours

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by bounceback

I am just wondering if anybody has been vulnerable with their therapists and told them something like I am glad to see you, I missed you, I love you etc, and all they said was thank you or nothing at all. If so, how did it make you feel?

I can see how that would hurt, bounceback. That's probably why I'm quite cautious about saying things like that to most anyone in my life, because I don't like it to be one way or to be assuming too much. But I am getting better at knowing it is OK to feel things one way. Like my daughter is very undemonstrative, but I still tell her I love her all the time. I think it is important for her to hear that, and my feelings are not hurt by her lack of response.

Your T said "thank you," which I interpret to mean she is flattered, she is honored, she liked receiving the "gift" of your statement. Those aren't bad things. Maybe it's OK that she said, "thank you"?

Once I hadn't been to therapy for a while and then I went, sat on T's couch, and said, "it seems like so long since I've been here." T responded with, "thanks, I missed you too." I thought that was very sweet. I think he is better at directly saying what he is feeling than I am. When he says things like that, it gives me courage to be more direct and open, like he is. I am trying to improve. Therapy is a good place to practice, I guess. My T has told me he loves me a couple of times, and I immediately reciprocated. I do not think I could outright say that to him unless he said it first, though. I have a history of a long relationship in which I loved the other person and was not loved back, so I am totally phobic of expressing one-way love. Not to mention my childhood. This unreciprocated dynamic brings back very painful memories for me, so I don't unnecessarily recreate it. With my T, I like to think it isn't necessary to say a lot. We are very close and I feel that in my bones. I don't need to say it, especially with the conundrum of our professional relationship. I would just like to enjoy feeling it rather than make it verbal or think about it a lot.

[Vibe]

I guess the reason I don't end up feeling this way with my therapist is because I go to her for very specific reasons. She fills a role as an intellectual professional, a clear mind to get feedback or a reality check from, and just generally someone to help me deal with various problems. We're congenial about it, and sometimes we discuss other trivial stuff, but there can't be any real reciprocity in our relationship. If I ask her how she's been, I'm going to get a standard response. If she asks me, it's gonna be something deeper. Technically, I'm not paying her so I can hear about her problems. We obviously care about each other to some degree, but we don't interact the way family or even friends would. I can't and shouldn't provide her what she provides me, and I can't expect the kind of emotional bond to develop as if I were. I think it would be rather unprofessional if she told me she loved me.

Alternatively, I tend to go to my friends, family, and lovers for more basic emotional needs. Feeling loved, wanted, appreciated, etc really matters with these people; and I do try to keep things very equal between me and my partner. My therapist only really helps with these feelings by giving feedback regarding how I can foster and strengthen my major relationships; and by helping me put my emotions in context when I'm being irrational. Now to look at the other side of things - while I will go to friends and family for general advice, I can not expect these people in my life to perform the same role as my therapist and spend a large portion of our relationship looking out for my mental health. It's outside of their expertise and would place an unfair burden on them. They would have obvious emotional reactions that my therapist can't afford to show and I can't help her with. I would be obligated to help them through although during my most unstable times, this wouldn't be possible. Thus, I can't expect certain technical abilities from them.

So far, drawing these basic lines and applying certain definitions to my various relationships has helped. I know I've been guilty of wanting more from certain people than they can provide in the past. It hurt at the time, but looking back at it, I was probably the one being unrealistic. It's hard to be realistic when you're hurting. I also feel vulnerable a lot of the time, but building trust upon realistic expectations helps a lot with that. Hopefully your therapist can help you address these issues and you guys can come to a comfortable spot with them. It'll likely be a bit different from what I've worked out for myself - there's more than one right way. Best of luck to ya.

[lastyearisblank]

Hmm this is so interesting! I mean obviously it is not going to be reciprocal, some people are bothered by that, some people less bothered, some people in between. I guess the question is, is it really therapeutic to share?

[Liam Grey]

It is actually the opposite for me. My T said some really nice things to me (don't know if true or less) but I couldn't ever and still can't directly admit to her how much she's important to me.

Originally Posted by bounceback

I am just wondering if anybody has been vulnerable with their therapists and told them something like I am glad to see you, I missed you, I love you etc, and all they said was thank you or nothing at all. If so, how did it make you feel?

Yes! For a long time when I told my T I loved her, she either didn't respond at all (in texts) or would say 'I know you do'. 'I know' came to feel like quite a containing and validating response. But during one particularly awful conversation last October, she said 'I know you think you do' At some point last year, I decided to stop telling her, because it felt too painful that I got nothing back from her.

But I couldn't stop. The love just pours out of me and part of healing has been letting myself love her. At some point she started responding 'and I care about you very much' which became 'I have loving feelings for you too', then 'I feel very loving towards you to' and sometimes 'I feel the same towards you'. My T has sometimes reciprocated on the 'glad to see you', but never on the 'I missed you' (which is good, because it would feel wrong somehow if she missed me).

I know how painful it can feel, and I guess for me it was about making a decision whether to continue to express these feelings regardless of the response. It also felt important to me to find a way to interpret her response- coming to see her "I know" as receiving and not rejecting my love. I guess 'thank you' could mean the same thing? I'm sorry you're hurting

[WePow]

Just wanted to share this with you, maybe it is what your T is doing...

My T will say "Thank you!" and smile very big when I tell him things that are emotional affection. He doesn't reply with anything back to me other than that. One time, my Little One (child alter 8yrs old) said "I LIKE YOU!" and T had to stop himself because he started to say "I Like you too!" - He said "I L...." and then said "Thank you!"

I found out that what he is doing is modelling behavior for me.

Growing up, some children are only shown love when they do something to make the parent happy. We get good grades, the parent tells us how smart we are. We kiss our parents and they say "I love you too!"

This all may sound fine from the outside, but it teaches many of us that in order for us to be loved, we have to give something first.

When a T says "Thank you" as a response to our giving affection, they are showing us a healthier way of having a relationship. They are saying "I am going to freely accept what you offer to me. I am accepting it without thinking you are demanding anything from me in return. This is the way a healthy child should be able to accept love from others. This is the way a healthy person should accept love from others. Love can be offered to us by the world without us thinking the world demands anything in return."

The other part of this is that by just saying "Thank you" and not offering anything in return, T is saying "When I give you my love, when I give you my time and energy, when I cry at your pain or laugh with your joy, those parts of me are free gifts to you. I am NOT giving them to you because you love me. I am not going to take them from you if you don't love me."

Hope this helps!