SI/drastic methods to "impress" T?

Sorry everyone for opening threads yet not really offering much support. I often want to reply and my head just goes silent. I don't know why

***trigger, talk about SI (mild, no details)***
So today T and I talked about SI. I used to cut when I was 13 but stopped quickly.
Now, however, it seems like talking about it triggered something in me. I've noticed that the last few weeks have been hard and make me want to hurt myself because there is so much anger and hatred against me in me. I haven't acted on these feelings and am not planning to but it's difficult.

***end of SI talk***
I think it's also kind of a "desire" to "impress" T. I know this sounds pathetic but I don't know. I always feel like I'm whining and don't have much reason to be in therapy and I feel like I need to do something dramatic to make T (projection) believe that I'm allowed to be there.
Does anyone know that feeling? That you have to do somethig to show your T that a) you really feel that bad or b) you deserve to be there?

It's also that I've seen the seriousness on my Ts face when I told her about it and it made me feel so good. I don't think she's ever been so serious before and I don't know. I feel like a drama queen

It's not pathetic...I've definatly struggled with it. I used to SI and stopped for almost 6 years, and recently started up again about 4 months ago. I told my T and eventually showed him. His response was "I can SEE how much pain you are in, and I want to be here for you to show me when you want to, AND I DON'T NEED TO SEE IT to know how much you are hurting. I don't want you to think that the only way I will understand you is by physically seeing your scars." So, that put my fears to rest about him only thinking I was in pain when I was SI'ing. However, I still struggle with it and we continue to discuss it.

Your not a drama queen, but I think you should talk to your T about your desire to FEEL like you deserve to be in therapy.

I agree talk to your T.

This is one of the biggest reasons I left my last T, I never felt like I had her full attention and felt I had to do things like SI or talking of SU to get it.

I am hoping things go better with my new T. I want to move forward not backwards. I need someone who will listen and pay attention.

Good luck, maybe your T will show you the concern and attention you need with out feeling like you need to SI.

Maggy

Thank you both.
Hm, I feel like T does pay great attention and also cares but that seriousness did have some "attraction" to be honest.
She knows I feel like I don't deserve to be there. She usually says it's my self hatred speaking and rolls her eyes as to say "don't be silly, you very much deserve to be here".

Sweetlove, I love your Ts reaction, it sounds very healing, although I would have been embarrassed probably. Depends on the tone and facial expression I suppose.

These feelings are kind of difficult for me to handle because I really haven't felt like this since I was 13 and I'm struggling with the idea to feel like that again because I associate so much with it that makes me feel really lost and small.

I think of this as how people who listen to loud music and start to lose their hearing have to keep turning up the volume. Sometimes we turn the volume up in therapy, because we want to be heard. I definitely agree with sweetlove and maggyjo about talking to her about this- you shouldn't harm yourself to get help.

By the way, many t's will deliberately not acknowledge SI for just this reason. For example, they might allow you to mention it, but not describe it. They do not want there to be a stigma attached to it, but not a reward either... and just like you described, attention is a kind of reward.

Sailboat - I can relate to what you're saying. I don't have any problem with SI but I think it's a common human desire to want love. That love is manifested by someone paying attention to us. So, we think - how can I prove that I'm worthy of receiving someone's attention? I think we all struggle with that in one way or another. I can see myself someday maybe over-dramatizing something just so I could receive the care and concern from another person. So, please don't feel bad about that desire and please don't resort to SI either.

Sailboat-- I relate. Sometimes I just want T to know how much I hurt and other times I feel like if there isn't a clearly defined problem--like SI-- to work through then I can't justify being in therapy or that T will tell me I'm better and I have to leave. I'm not seeing T right now, but I think that when I go back I might ask for more acknowledgment of feelings when I am in pain...just so I know that she knows. And maybe discuss the fear of healing for good, because we have touched on it before but it is always reassuring to hear that your T won't kick you out when you are doing better

Yea, I can see now why that would sound a bit intimidating. Honestly, the way it happened was completely innocent on his part. He asked to see my scars and I gladly showed him, I was happy he asked. Then after he looked and we talked about that a little, that's when he said that. I needed to hear that!

Even with all the many things I have going on, and the items I'm struggling to work through, knowing rationally in my head that I need to be there to get better, a part of me feels as if others deserve it more for various reasons. I am so thankful that my T and my pdoc have not put any emphasis (sp?) on my si when I did it because I was so overwrought with guilt and it would have just shamed me even more.

We each have a reason to be there and believe me, getting reassurance by harming yourself isn't the way to do it. Easier to just ask. Be safe all, please.

A

My T doesn't want to hear anything about my SI because it is not new to her. She wants to hear what is helping me and what I am struggling with. Talking about SI only encourages the behaviour in her opinion and I can see how and why she thinks this, as it is as she said an addiction.